Team America: World Police Page #5

But then you got your a**holes,

Chuck.

And all the a**holes want

is to sh*t all over everything.

So pussies may get mad at d*cks

once in a while

because pussies

get f***ed by d*cks.

But d*cks also f*** a**holes, Chuck.

And if they didn't f*** the a**holes,

you know what you'd get?

You'd get your dick and your p*ssy

all covered in sh*t.

All right, that does it.

Get out of here, you drunk lowlife.

Get out of here, I said.

Lisa!

Lisa. Lisa, are you here?

Get out of the street,

you f***ing bum!

You gave up on life, didn't you?

My fellow actors,

we live in a dark time.

The world is becoming more

and more violent

and the idiots in charge

are making it worse.

What the world needs is

an international advisory committee

who truly understands global politics.

Namely, us.

The time has come for us

to start using our acting talents

in a different way.

Yes, we can use our powers

to change the world.

We will persuade everyone

to drive hybrid cars and stop smoking.

If we focus our acting

on global politics,

we can change everything and stuff.

As actors, it is our responsibility

to read the newspapers

and then say what we read

on television like it's our own opinion.

Matt Damon.

We've all done action films.

If anyone tries to get in our way,

we'll show them just how tough

us actors really are.

I'm glad you all agree.

Because I've just been contacted

by a very important political leader

who is bringing all the

world leaders together

for a massive

international peace conference.

And he wants us to be

the keynote speakers.

Matt Damon!

Say hello to our new partner.

Herro.

Stop it! Stop it, you're killing him!

I'm gonna f***ing kill you!

You're not in a position to kill anyone,

my red, white and brue friend.

So you're the bastard

planning 9/11 times 1,000.

No. You think so small.

You see, I'm about to have

an eraborate peace ceremony.

And while all the world's most

important people are distracted here,

I will detonate the WMDs

which I have given to terrorists

arr around the grobe.

It will be 9/11 times 2,356.

My God, that's...

I don't even know what that is.

Nobody does.

You heartless bastard.

Why would you do such a thing?

Because then there will be barance.

Every country will be

a Third World country.

Just imagine it.

All around the world, there will be

massive exprosions.

With nobody to guide them,

the people will break out into panic

and rioting all over the earth.

The true nature of humanity

is unreashed.

Dog eats dog,

as everyone attacks everyone

and fends only for themselves.

Grobal stabirity unravels.

By the time my show is over,

it will be far too rate.

Your plan will fail.

You'll never keep the world leaders

distracted here for nine hours.

Oh, no? I've got Arec Barrwin.

Dear God.

You are the rast of a dying breed,

the frag-waving American.

Well, your rittle dream

will soon be over.

I must get back to pranning

the ceremony now.

The film actors are on their way.

Perhaps they'll stop in and say herro.

Having so little faith in humanity

must make you a very lonely man.

You shall have a front-row seat.

Bring her upstairs.

Leave her alone,

you son of a b*tch!

Lisa, I treasure your friendship!

Somebody has to stop this!

I miss you more than Michael Bay

Missed the mark

When he made Pearl Harbor

I miss you more than that movie

Missed the point

And that's an awful lot, girl

And now

Now you've gone away

And all I'm trying to say

Is Pearl Harbor sucked

And I miss you

I need you like Ben Affleck

Needs acting school

He was terrible in that film

I need you like Cuba Gooding

Needed a bigger part

He's way better than Ben Affleck

And now

All I can think about is your smile

And that shitty movie too

Pearl Harbor sucked

And I miss you

Pearl Harbor sucked

Just a little bit more

Than I miss you

Oh, my God.

What the hell happened?

Hello? Anybody?

Greetings, Mr. Johnston.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.,

what the hell happened?

Our base was attacked by

a giant socialist weasel.

But where's the team?

They have been taken prisoner

by Kim Jong II in North Korea.

I have intercepted communications

that he is planning

the massive attack

during a peace ceremony.

Don't move, protester,

or I'll blow your commie brains out.

- Spottswoode.

- Johnston?

What the hell are you doing here?

Get away from

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

I'm using it to blow up North Korea.

No! The team is in North Korea.

I know. And so are the triggers

to WMDs poised all around the globe.

My only option now

is to blow up Kim Jong II

and everything around him

before he can set them off.

I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., initiate

detonation sequence on the ships.

You'll kill them all.

It's what they would

want me to do, Gary.

They would happily give their lives

for the good of the world,

- something you don't understand!

- There has to be another way.

There's nobody left

to stop Kim Jong II.

Let me go.

You? You're a buttfucking quitter.

You walked out, Gary. The team went

on a mission without you.

And without an actor,

they were like pigs to the slaughter.

I'm supposed to leave

the fate of the world in your hands?

I know I walked out,

but I'd do anything to take it back.

- Please, just let me help.

- You've done enough.

Please, Spottswoode,

you have to believe in me.

I want to believe in you, Gary,

I really do.

But you've let me down before.

Please, how can I make you

trust me?

I remember the first time we met.

You were a simple Broadway actor

afraid to get in my limo

because you thought I wanted you

to perform oral sex on me.

Do you remember that?

Yeah.

And now the tables are turned,

and I don't know if I can trust you.

Just give me a chance.

All right, I'll trust you.

But only if you...

...will perform oral sex on me.

- What?

- Right here, right now.

- You can't be serious.

- Oh, I am serious.

Look, this is my serious face.

- What will that prove?

- It will prove that you are truly ready

to lay everything on the line.

To throw away all your inhibitions

and give 100 percent.

We must go back to that first night

we met, that first issue of trust.

- Don't you see?

- No. I thought you weren't gay.

This isn't about sex, Gary,

it's about trust.

It's the eye of the needle, Gary,

and we must both pass through it.

Okay, let's do it.

I'll make sure nobody's watching.

Yeah, it looks clear.

Okay, go.

There must be another way.

I guess you won't do everything

to take it all back, will you, Gary?

No, no, no. Wait, wait, hold on.

You're saying if I do that,

you'll let me help the team?

I'll give you all the time I can.

Okay, let's do it.

Here we go.

And go.

You are dedicated.

Now, let's go get cleaned up.

If you're going to storm Kim Jong ll's

palace single-handed,

we have to make you

a complete soldier in very little time.

How we gonna do that?

I think I know just what we need.

The hour's approaching

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