Team America: World Police Page #6

To give it your best

And you've got to reach your prime

That's when you need

to put yourself to the test

And show us a passage of time

- We're gonna need a montage

- Montage

- It takes a montage

- Montage

Show a lot of things

Happening at once

Remind everyone

Of what's going on

And with every shot

Show a little improvement

To show it all would take too long

- That's called a montage

- Montage

- Girl, we want a montage

- Montage

In anything, if you want to go

From just a beginner to a pro

- You need a montage

- Montage

- Even Rocky had a montage

- Montage

- Always fade out in a montage

- Montage

If you fade out

It seems like more time has passed

- In a montage

- Montage

Radies and gentlemen.

The Film Actors Guild and Kim Jong II

are preased to welcome you

to the International

World Peace Ceremony.

The most important people

from every country

are gathered here in soridarity

to cerebrate peace.

There will be music, dancing

and, of course,

the biggest stars in Horrywood.

In the box to your reft is the

mastermind of this spectacurar show,

the multitarented Kim Jong II.

Oh, herro.

And now we present to you

the very best in North Korean music.

Ten years of pranning,

and finarry the night is here.

The terrorists know to be in position by

the time Arec Barrwin takes the stage.

That's when I trigger all the WMDs

to go off at the same time.

When you see Arec Barrwin,

you will see the true ugriness

of human nature.

Your plan will never work.

Something will stop it.

You stupid, naive Team Americans.

You berieve in true rove

and happy endings

even while the world around you

spirals downward.

Sometimes believing is all we have.

And as the leaders of your countries,

you have the power

to bring the world together under

the principles of the Film Actors Guild.

You're gonna

knock them dead, Alec.

Ten minutes, Mr. Baldwin.

Who the hell you?

I'm with the Film Actors Guild.

I'm here to help with the broadcast.

Then you show credentials.

Hey, you don't need to see

my credentials.

I left them at home

and I'm running late.

- I berieve him.

- Yeah, me too.

Okay, have a nice day.

My God, his acting is better

than ever.

Don't worry, fellas,

I've got my pass right here.

Please, Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins,

you don't understand

what Kim Jong II is doing.

Shut up. We have explicit instructions

to watch you.

- Yeah. We're supposed to be guards.

- We're guards.

- We're guards, huh? We're guards.

- We're guards.

Mr. Sheen, Mr. Robbins. Someone

has broken into the main hall.

What? Come on, Martin!

- Gary?

- What the f*** are you doing here?

Guys, are you all right?

Where's Lisa?

What the heck do you care?

You walked out on her.

Look, I wanna make things right.

Here, Spottswoode's monitoring

from the base.

- Spottswoode is dead, Gary.

- Not as dead as you think.

- Spottswoode!

- Yes, I'm here, Joe.

- All right, you're alive!

- Great to hear your voices again.

Now we've got to get Lisa

and stop Kim Jong II.

I'm not going anywhere

with this f***ing traitor.

What makes you think

we'll take you back, douchebag?

- We're doing this without you!

- Now, hold on, team.

Gary has already proven to me

that he is 100 percent committed

to the team.

He proved it last night

by sucking my cock.

All right. Come on, team,

we gotta find that stage.

Rook how much they rove my show.

The entire audience is so captivated.

And now you see,

the new world is inevitabre.

- It's what?

- Inevita... Inevitabre.

- One more time.

- Inevitabre!

Things are inevitabry

going to change.

Goddamn it, open your f***ing ears.

- Five minutes, Mr. Baldwin.

- Thank you.

- Alec, we have a problem.

- Team America escaped.

What? You fools.

They'll ruin everything.

We better warn everyone.

They'll be headed here.

No. We can't look weak

and powerless.

If violence is all those bastards

understand, then violence they'll get.

Every actor, grab a gun

and keep Team America

from reaching this ceremony

at all costs.

Qapla!

Qapla!

I swear they won't reach this stage.

Jesus! What have we got?

Looks like George Clooney

and Liv Tyler, 20 yards.

Look out, it's Ethan Hawke

and Janeane Garofalo.

Drop your weapons.

F***ing die!

We gotta split up.

Sarah, you and Gary go that way.

Chris and I will go right.

No, I think I'd rather team up

with you, Joe.

I guess you're with me, cockfag.

- Danny Glover!

- Come on, Penn.

- We must protect the show.

- Right.

- The stage must be that way.

- No. Joe, Sarah, it's a trap!

Very impressive, warmongers.

Now let's see how Kim Jong ll's

panthers treat you.

I went to Iraq, you know!

- Susan Sarandon.

- Oh, thank God.

We have to stop the ceremony.

Kim Jong II is mad.

Here, let me loose.

I'll show you where the theatre is.

- All right.

- No, Chris, stay away from her.

- F*** you. She wants to help us.

- No, Chris, she's acting.

I am not. The others tied me up

because I wouldn't go along

with their plans.

Your skills are fading with age,

Miss Sarandon.

You shall die a peasant's death!

Jesus titty-f***ing Christ.

I could've sworn

she was telling the truth.

That's why they call it acting.

Come on, we gotta find Lisa.

I was 19 years old when

the musical Cats came to our town.

I couldn't wait to see it.

After the show, I was asked

if I wanted to go meet

some of the performers backstage.

Man, I was thrilled.

But when I got back there,

they were drunk and out of control.

Rumpus cat and Macavity

kept feeling up my leg.

I tried to leave, but Rumpleteazer

held me down and...

...I was raped by Mr. Mistoffelees.

That's why you don't trust actors.

I'm sorry I've been so hard on you.

If there's still a world left

when this is all over,

I'd like to buy you a beer.

Come on, let's go.

We're running out of time.

Sarah, before we die, I want to

finally tell you that I love you.

No. No, I'm not gonna

let it end like this.

We are not your enemy, furry ones.

You will not attack us.

Sarah, that isn't going to work.

You don't really have mental powers.

Your captors are behind you, Shebas.

Show your anger to them.

Sarah, you did it!

Wait. Hold on.

Spottswoode, I think we just found

the entrance to the theatre.

Have Sarah and Joe lock on to our...

Gary!

- Actors, ho!

- Helen Hunt.

Samuel Jackson.

Matt Damon.

Motherf***er.

Gary, Chris, come in.

And now, radies and gentlemen,

Mr. Arec Barrwin.

We are here to usher in a new era

without violence.

By following the rules

of the Film Actors Guild,

the world can become a better place

that handles dangerous people

with talk and reasoning.

That is the F.A.G. Way.

One day you'll all look at the world

us actors created and say,

"Wow. Good going, F.A.G.

You really made the world

a better place, didn't you, F.A.G.?"

Yes, Arec Barrwin.

Too bad there won't be a world reft.

Oh, God, no.

You see? No Prince Charming rode in

on a white stallion to save the day.

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