Team America: World Police Page #7

This is the real world.

I'm afraid your world is over.

In five minutes.

Yes, the ticking crock.

Sorry, Team America, but you see,

we must live in a time of peace.

Put down the gas can now.

Kill them.

Jackson!

Team, you've got to hurry.

Let's go, b*tch.

I've done action films.

Come on.

Matt Damon!

Come on, stop trying to hit me

and hit me.

Don't f***ing move!

Now, isn't that a shame.

You came so close

to stopping peace.

But you see,

peace always finds a way.

Goodbye, Team America.

I've just got one piece of bad news

for you, Robbins.

- What's that?

- I'm a smoker.

Now that the world

is going to be run peacefully,

we should all drive hybrid cars.

Right now famiries

are gathering in parks,

children are walking to school,

friends are sitting in movie theatres.

All compretery unaware that the world

is about to change forever.

All because of me.

Stop that man.

Gary!

- Team America?

- Goddamn it.

Sorry to interrupt the show,

everyone, but Kim Jong II

is an international criminal.

We're here to arrest him.

Oh, no, you're not.

This is a peace conference.

And if you even try to touch

Kim Jong II,

this audience and I will rise up

against you.

F*** off, Team America!

Team, there's no time.

You have to convince that audience

to let you do your job.

- Gary, you've got to take the stage.

- No. I can't upstage Alec Baldwin.

- He's the best actor in the world.

- You have to try.

- I'm not that good.

- Actually...

...you're the finest actor

I've ever met.

Come on, Gary, hurry.

You've got to act fast.

I know you all don't like Team America

a whole lot right now,

but Kim Jong II is a lot worse.

You can't outact me, boy.

Don't even try.

For the truth is that Team America

fights for the billion-dollar corporations.

They are just as bad

as the enemies they fight.

Oh, no, we aren't. We're d*cks!

We're reckless, arrogant,

stupid d*cks.

And the Film Actors Guild

are pussies.

And Kim Jong II is an a**hole.

Pussies don't like d*cks,

because pussies get f***ed by d*cks.

But d*cks also f*** a**holes,

a**holes who just wanna sh*t

on everything.

Pussies may think they can deal

with a**holes their way.

But the only thing

that can f*** an a**hole

is a dick with some balls.

The problem with d*cks

is that sometimes they f*** too much.

- Or f*** when it isn't appropriate.

- Yes, Gary, yes.

And it takes a p*ssy

to show them that.

But sometimes pussies

get so full of sh*t

that they become a**holes

themselves.

Because pussies are only an

inch and a half away from a**holes.

I don't know much

in this crazy, crazy world...

...but I do know that if you don't

let us f*** this a**hole...

...we are gonna have our d*cks

and our pussies...

...all covered in sh*t.

Show us what you're doing,

Kim Jong II.

Do something, Arec Barrwin!

The... Global warming and...

Corporate America...

You are worthress, Arec Barrwin.

Don't f***ing move!

You were all going to be treated

to a faburous show.

But now party's over.

- For I am the great Kim Jong II.

- Lisa.

And I am the greatest terrorist

ever to have rived.

Terrorize this.

- Lisa, are you okay?

- No, Gary, the countdown.

You have to stop it.

- What do I do?

- Hit the big "cancel" button!

- Gary, how did you manage this?

- Spottswoode helped me.

Spottswoode? He's alive?

Lisa, I'm crazy about you.

Will you please forgive me if I...?

You had me at

"d*cks f*** a**holes. "

Attention. Attention, everyone.

All you in the audience should go

to your homes now.

Your countries need you.

But the world will be safe,

thanks to a brilliant actor

named Gary Johnston.

Let me explain to you

the kind of man Gary is.

He's a man who knows

that when you put another man's cock

in your mouth, you make a pact.

A bond that cannot be broken.

He's a man so dedicated that

he will get down on his knees

and put that cock

right in his mouth.

Wait a minute. Look!

You have not heard the rast

of Kim Jong II.

I will return!

You shall see. I will be back!

So rong, earthrings!

We'll be here waiting for you,

Kim Jong II.

All right, you guys, I hate to break up

this little party,

but there's still a lot of bad guys

out there.

Well, then let's go show the bad guys

the police are back in force.

F***, yeah.

F***, yeah.

America

America

America

F***, yeah

Coming again to save

The motherfucking day, yeah

America

F***, yeah

Freedom is the only way

Yeah

Terrorists, your game is through

'Cause now you have to answer to

America

F***, yeah

So lick my butt

And suck on my balls

America

F***, yeah

What you gonna do

When we come for you now?

It's the dream that we all share

- It's the hope for tomorrow

- F***, yeah

- McDonald's

- F***, yeah

- Wal-Mart

- F***, yeah

- The Gap

- F***, yeah

- Baseball

- F***, yeah

- NFL

- F***, yeah

- Rock 'n' roll

- F***, yeah

- The Internet

- F***, yeah

- Slavery

- F***, yeah

F***, yeah

Everyone has AIDS

- My grandma and my dog Ole Blue

- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

- The pope has got it and so do you

- AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

Come on, everybody

We got quilting to do

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS

We're gonna break down

These barricades

Everyone has

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS

AIDS, AIDS

Freedom isn't free

It costs folks like you and me

And if we don't all chip in

We'll never pay that bill

Freedom isn't free

No, there's a hefty f***ing fee

And if you don't throw in

Your buck o'five

Who will?

Buck o'five

Freedom costs a buck o'five

Only a woman

Can brighten up my day

Only a woman

Can touch me the right way

Yeah

Only a woman

Is allowed to touch me there

All I ask

Is that you're a woman

I'm so ronery

So ronery

So ronery and sadry arone

There's no one

Just me onry

Sitting on my rittle throne

I work rearry hard

And make up great prans

But nobody ristens

No one understands

Seems rike no one

Takes me seriousry

And so

I'm ronery

A rittle ronery

Poor rittle me

I need you like Ben Affleck

Needs acting school

He was terrible in that film

I need you like Cuba Gooding

Needed a bigger part

He's way better than Ben Affleck

And now

All I can think about is your smile

And that shitty movie too

Pearl Harbor sucked

And I miss you

Why does Michael Bay

Get to keep on making movies?

I guess Pearl Harbor sucked

Just a little bit more

Than I miss you

Show a lot of things

Happening at once

- Remind everyone of what's going on

- What's going on

And with every shot

Show a little improvement

To show it all would take too long

- That's called a montage

- Montage

- Girl, we want a montage

- Montage

In anything, if you want to go

From just a beginner to a pro

- You need a montage

- Montage

- Even Rocky had a montage

- Montage

- Always fade out in a montage

- Montage

If you fade out it seems like

More time has passed

I was sent from planet Gyron

To conquer the Earth

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