Tell Page #5

He's doing 'em on his desk.

He's doing 'em on his f***ing couch.

The orange one, my favorite.

He's f***ing three of 'em

standing at the window overlooking downtown.

- You've got 'em memorized.

- Of course I do.

So, Mr. Paul figures he hit the

blackmail f***ing jackpot,

swipes the DVDs,

sends Huffman a little letter

demanding 200 grand to get 'em back

or Huffman's wife and kids get a private screening.

Instead of paying the guy,

Huffman kills him.

Makes it look like suicide.

Son of a b*tch.

Mmm-hmm.

You wanna pick up where

Mr. Paul left off, don't you?

Mmm-hmm, but we're gonna be more careful

because it's two guys blackmailing him,

and so he's not gonna try anything cute.

That's why you apologized, sh*t.

Good plan, right?

Okay, I'm in.

Hey, do you wanna watch the

orange one... With me?

Hey, so when we go see this Huffman guy,

we gotta look like we're successful,

like we don't even need his money,

like we're just blackmailing him for fun.

Whoa.

How do I look?

You look like Don f***ing Johnson.

That's exactly right.

Get out of my f***ing way!

Not bad.

Hey.

Huffman, how are you?

Listen, uh, we're gonna need that money.

Now.

And if you don't present it...

Now.

Really bad things are gonna happen.

Now.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

Hey, where do you think the guy

keeps the hair gel around here?

Definitely look like 200,000 now.

Change of plans, buddy.

We're blackmailing that son of a b*tch

for the return of his dirty

movies and Mr. Paul's murder.

Together, that's more, like, 500 grand.

So what happens if he comes up short?

He's a Senior Vice President in charge of sales, man.

If he doesn't have it, he can embezzle it.

And guess what?

If he does that,

we'll go back and we'll blackmail him for that too.

It's the circle of life, man.

Hakuna matata, b*tch!

Hey, I don't have to, uh...

I don't have to tell you not to

tell Bev about any of this, do I?

Right.

This is between us, okay?

This is our business.

So me and Ray are blackmailing

this executive from Reynolds Metals.

He's pretty high up.

We've got some good stuff on him.

- You and Ray?

- Yeah.

If only you weren't interested

in a man who wants to kill you.

He doesn't wanna kill me, okay?

I got it.

We're gonna take this guy for 500k,

and then, after tomorrow,

I will be able to support you and William.

We'll be a family.

We'll start over.

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Offer still open?

Of course it is.

You know that it is.

I remember my first time.

Ricky Watson.

He was my best friend in the third grade.

He was my only friend in the third grade.

He had this Spider-Man comic book.

Wouldn't let anybody else read it.

I had to have it.

He was bigger than me, so I found some sh*t on him,

blackmailed the f*** out of him.

He wasn't my friend anymore,

but at least I got the comic book.

That's nothing, dude.

My first time blackmailing was my own dad.

My old man was always running

around on my mom, and I hated it.

So one day, I threw a pair of panties at him

and told him I found them in the back seat of his car,

and unless he paid me ten bucks, I was gonna tell Mom.

The f***er paid me...

not once, but for the next three years

every Sunday after church.

But here's the kicker...

I didn't, uh,

find the panties in his car.

I took 'em from my mom's drawer.

He didn't even recognize his own wife's panties.

F***ing idiot... I mean, he'd

think he would've been pissed,

but it was like he was grateful,

you know, like I was helping the bastard make penance.

That's f***ed up.

So what made him stop paying after the three years passed?

Ah, my f***ing mom died.

Yeah, she was f***ing great.

- Want another?

- Yeah.

Can I ask you a question?

Why are you and Bev so touch and go?

I could never figure that out.

I used to gamble... a lot.

And I hit a pretty cold streak,

so I forged Bev's signature and sold my parent's place.

She was f***ing pissed, and, uh...

then two guys threatened to kill us both,

so I had to do something.

Oh.

And that was when you got into, uh, gay porn.

- What?

- Wait, wait, Bev told you I did gay porn?

- Yeah.

- No. I didn't do f***ing gay porn.

I sucked my own dick.

You... You... You can

suck your own dick?

You know, I could when I was 20, but f***.

I mean, now I got a bad back.

I eat so many f***ing waffles,

I can't even get to it, you know?

Strikes me as a little gay.

I mean, isn't it just like f***ing masturbating?

Yeah, but you have a dick in your mouth.

That's pretty impressive, though, still.

Oh, not again.

- You know how to play, uh, table football?

- Yeah.

We're gonna turn 'em up, two posts.

There you go, this is gonna be real football.

There. Keep posts up

just like that, you ready?

Hold it up.

Ready, and oop...

Oh!

I missed, I missed, here we go.

- Okay, ready?

- Your turn.

- Let's see if we can get it.

- Go ahead.

No, no, you get...

You're the kicker.

Ready to kick it, ready?

One, two, three, go.

Oh!

You almost... Oh, sh...

Jesus, Tell.

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Okay.

- I'm sorry.

I'm just gonna go to the bathroom really quick.

- Can you watch him, please?

- Yeah.

- I'll be right back, okay?

- Okay.

Okay.

You guys have fun playing.

That... It wasn't me,

it was him.

It was him.

It was me. Yeah, it was.

Good job. Yeah.

Here, buddy, you can have that.

It's your football now.

Hey.

William, do you think, um...

Do you think maybe sometime, you'd want me

to come over and play football?

Yes.

Yeah? Okay, okay.

So then maybe when...

When your mom

comes out of the bathroom, you could tell her.

Say, "I want Tell to come over and play football."

She's not my mom.

Buddy... Who is that?

That's Aunt Bev-Bev.

Who?

That's Aunt Bev-Bev.

Oh, evil.

F***.

F***.

Good as new?

Good as new.

Are you?

Well, almost.

Yeah.

Hey, William...

Good seeing you, bud.

Okay.

He's a great kid.

He looks just like us, only smaller and more round.

So, um, when are you gonna do the job?

- Tonight's the job.

- Great.

Then, I will wait for you.

Okay.

Not in front of him.

- Right.

- Yeah.

Not yet.

Are you ready, bud?

Yeah.

Say bye to Tell... Bye, Tell.

Bye.

Oh, jeez...

Sh*t, f***ing, sh*t, f***.

What's wrong?

- What?

- Why are you so quiet?

No reason.

You nervous?

Hell, no.

I'm just thinking, what if, uh...

this Huffman f***er shows up traveling light?

I don't know... How light?

I don't know... Let's say half.

Half, I think that buys him about a day.

We're not blackmailing this guy in installments.

What if he shows up with 50 or 60 grand?

That's just an insult.

Anything less than 100,000,

we're gonna have to do something

so this guy knows we mean business.

Did you bring the bleach?

'Cause I didn't.

There's nothing to worry about, this guy's scared.

He wouldn't dare try and stiff us.

Yeah, he wouldn't 'cause we're

no dumb-ass custodians.

Oh, sh*t, there he is.

With a bag.

We're on.

Uh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh.

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