Terminal Page #5

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we been stuck in here?

VINCE:
12 days, 13 hours,

and 27 minutes. Why?

ALFRED:
Just wondering.

VINCE:
You missing

your bottle blonde?

Geez, you're like

a hormonal teenager.

She's gonna be the death of you,

that f***ing girl.

- Cards.

- Yeah?

- Great. Hold 'em.

- Three-card brag.

F*** off.

That's a pouf's game.

Fine. Hold 'em it is.

Fair enough. Let's go!

That's more like it.

Oh, give 'em here.

You're gonna f***ing

hurt yourself. Come on.

Just give 'em to me.

For f***'s sake, Alf.

There's f***ing

barely half a deck.

We could always play snap.

I'll snap your f***ing neck

in a minute!

How do you play solitaire?

Quietly, on your own,

in the other f***ing room.

- You really are becoming a...

- Yeah, a f***ing liability.

I know. Hear it all the time.

Boss, look at this.

What is it?

Something for me

to beat you to death with?

No.

"The time has come,

the walrus said,

to talk of many things.

Of shoes

and ships and sealing wax,

of cabbages and kings."

"And why the sea is boiling hot

and whether pigs have wings."

I don't get it.

It's gibberish.

It's all like this,

the whole bloody book.

It's just f***ing drivel.

Well, I'm sure Lewis Carroll

will be suitably apologetic

when he finds out

how upset you are.

Why don't you f*** off

into the other room

and leave me alone, eh?

[rock]

[ice crushing]

Want a drink?

A proper drink, I mean.

Oh, no doubt.

Bill, it's time

we explore Option B.

Oh, goody, there's more.

There is.

Option B:
assisted suicide.

[coughing]

I believe they call that

"euthanasia."

Eutha-what?

It was very popular at one time

with the Swiss.

What's a Swiss?

[laughs]

Doesn't matter.

All I'm saying is,

if you haven't got the peanuts

to do it yourself,

just get someone

to do it for you.

Are you saying I take

a contract out on myself?

Exactly.

Do they have an assassins

section in the classifieds?

"Wanted:
tall, dark,

anonymous stranger.

Must have own rifle."

My new boyfriend's

a contract killer.

[laughs]

And, talk about

getting lucky,

he's getting off

a job today.

Serendipity, indeed.

We could give him

a brief, you know,

suggest a few ways

you wouldn't mind being killed,

let him pick the best one.

Try this on for size.

You're just going about your

daily business, then one day,

you're on your way home from

a long day in the classroom...

Shot in the head.

Last thing

you would've expected.

I think it's safe to say

if I'd paid somebody to kill me,

I'd be expecting to be killed

most of the time.

You just have to, you know,

try not to think about it.

- Oh, okay, I'll do that then.

- Right.

Can we bank long distance

head shots then?

Quick, anonymous, painless.

- Sounds like a keeper.

- Great.

Let's brainstorm

a few more ways to die.

Let's!

- Stabbing?

- No, I don't like knives.

It sounds very,

sort of messy and painful.

That's the sort of thing

he's gonna need to know.

- Who?

- Our possibly fictitious,

but possibly real hit man,

who happens to be

my new boyfriend.

Oh, okay.

Ooh, what about a hit and run?

- [tires screeching]

- [screams]

Oh, now, I have a problem

with that.

- Go on.

- What if I just get mangled?

He'd have to reverse

back over me.

That's just horrifying.

Hmm.

- Pushing?

- I don't follow.

Off a tall building,

for the sake of argument,

or in front of a train.

I must say I have explored

the idea of trains somewhat.

Hey!

[screams]

Short, sticky, and sweet.

Before you know it,

you're strawberry jam

and dental fillings.

You really can

paint a picture, Annie.

Only downside's the whole

closed casket thing.

Granted, but I am starting

to like the idea of falling.

It sounds almost accidental.

Can we bank it, pushing?

Yeah, let's have it.

To imminent death.

To the 404.

[clinks]

[crash]

What's up?

What?

Is there anything

you want to say?

No.

I'm seriously f***ing bored.

You want to play a game?

Do I look like I play

Snakes and Ladders to you?

Well, you did do that jigsaw.

I f***ing hate puzzles.

You did do that crossword book.

- You trying to be funny?

- What about chess?

- Are you trying to be funny?

- No, Boss.

So I don't have to come over and

teach you some f***ing manners.

- No, Boss.

- Because if I do

you're gonna f***ing regret it,

you understand me?

Yes, Boss.

Good.

Don't fancy Monopoly then?

God, keep it up.

I'm going to put you six feet

under the f***ing ground, mate.

Are you?

You know, I don't know

why I bother on you.

I should just shoot you

in the face,

get myself another apprentice.

I thought I was

a junior partner.

Oh, that's just the flash way

of saying "apprentice."

I'm a valuable asset.

You're a f***ing liability.

I already told you what I do

with f***ing liabilities.

If it wasn't for me,

who'd make the tea,

collect the cash,

sort the jobs?

You know, do the f***ing work!

Good lad.

Now you're getting it.

[tuning radio]

[ballad]

Oh, cracking.

Pathetic fallacy.

Whinging librarian.

Excuse me?

No, that's what that's called,

when emotional turmoil

is reflected

in tangible surroundings.

Like two lovers go their

separate ways in a rainstorm,

or lightning strikes

as the murderer's revealed.

It adds gravitas.

It would hardly be

as nerve-wracking

if the serial killer

stabbed his victim to death

in a sunny park, would it?

Much better in a dark alley

in a mist.

My God, you are wasted

as a teacher.

You should be published.

You should be preaching.

You should be inciting

bloody revolution.

And yet here I am,

a lamenting English teacher

coughing his spleen

out through his nose,

wishing the earth

would swallow him whole.

[ballad continues]

Come with me.

Really?

Bill!

Oh!

BILL:
Where are we going?

ANNIE:
To explore gravitas

and pathetic fallacy.

Chop, chop!

Well, this seems

like a great idea.

Come on, Bill.

Where's your sense of adventure?

Warm and dry

and congealing with my coffee.

What the hell is that?

It's an old ventilation shaft

from when the city actually

used to work properly.

It's condemned now.

Just a hole

dropping into nowhere.

Down and down and down.

[echoing]

Well, that's just about the most

terrifying thing I've ever seen.

You come here often, do you?

Oh, yes, I love it here.

- Here, come stand on the edge.

- No, I...

ANNIE:
Close your eyes.

Feels amazing.

Annie, come on back.

Oh, my God!

[Annie laughs]

Well?

Well, what?

You said you wanted the earth

to swallow you whole

not five minutes ago.

There you go.

You're welcome.

You want me to jump in there?

Pathetic fallacy.

- No, it's not.

- Yes, it is.

Emotional turmoil reflected

in tangible surroundings.

I'm in a deep, dark hole.

It's perfect.

Let's test your gravitas.

- Or gravity, more like.

- Exactly!

Look, I'm not gonna throw

myself into a yawning chasm

just because it fits neatly

into a metaphor!

Why not?

Quick, clean, painless.

Poetically resonant.

You are insane, certifiably.

Unquestionably.

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