Thank You For Smoking

Robin Williger.

He is a 15-year-old freshman

from Racine, Wisconsin.

He enjoys studying history.

He's on the debate team.

Robin's future looked

very, very bright,

but recently he was

diagnosed with cancer,

a very tough kind of cancer.

Robin tells me he has

quit smoking, though,

and he no longer thinks

that cigarettes are cool.

Whoo!

And our final guest today

is Nick Naylor.

Mr. Naylor is the vice president

of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

Now, they are the tobacco

industry's main lobby

in Washington, D.C.

and Mr. Naylor is

their chief spokesman.

Few people on this planet know

what it is to be truly despised.

Can you blame them?

I earn a living

fronting an organization

that kills 1,200 human beings a day.

1,200 people.

We're talking

two jumbojet plane loads

of men, women and children.

I mean, there's Attila,

Genghis,

and me,

Nick Naylor,

the face of cigarettes...

the Colonel Sanders of nicotine.

This is where I work,

the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

It was established

by seven gentlemen

you may recognize from C-SPAN.

These guys realized quick

if they were going to claim

that cigarettes were not addictive,

they better have proof.

This is the man they rely on,

Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt.

They found him in Germany.

I won't go into the details.

He's been testing the link

between nicotine

and lung cancer

for 30 years and hasn't found

any conclusive results.

The man's a genius.

He could disprove gravity.

Then we've got our sharks.

We draft them out

of Ivy League law schools

and give them time-shares

and sports cars.

It's just like

a John Grisham novel-

you know, without all the espionage.

Most importantly,

we've got spin control.

That's where I come in.

I get paid to talk.

I don't have an MD or law degree.

I have a bachelor's in

kicking ass and taking names.

You know that guy

who can pick up any girl?

I'm him

on crack.

This is obviously a heated issue

and we do have a lot

that we want to cover today.

Nick, do you have a question?

Joan,

how on earth would

Big Tobacco profit

off of the loss of this young man?

Now, I hate to think

in such callous terms,

but, if anything,

we'd be losing a customer.

It's not only our hope,

it's in our best interest

to keep Robin alive and smoking.

- That's ludicrous.

- Let me tell you something,

Joan, and please,

let me share something

with the fine, concerned

people in the audience today.

The Ron Goodes of this world...

want the Robin Willigers to die.

- What?

You know why?

So that their budgets will go up.

This is nothing less than

trafficking in human misery,

and you, sir, ought

to be ashamed of yourself.

I ought to be ashamed of myself?

As a matter of fact,

we're about to launch...

a $50 million campaign

aimed at persuading kids

not to smoke.

Because I think

that we can all agree

that there is nothing

more important

than America's children.

All right, now,

that's something that

we're going to want

to know more about.

but I have to take a short break.

Hang on, a lot more coming.

$50 million?! Are you

out of your f***ing mind?!

Everyone has a boss.

BR just happens

to be mine.

He came from the vending

machine world.

This made him tough.

The name BR came

from his tour in Vietnam.

The people who know

its meaning are all dead.

The deal was five million!

$5 million will get you

a couple of subway posters.

It's not going to impress anyone.

That's the idea, Nick.

You'll be thanking me soon.

This'll probably get you great press.

I gotta call the captain

and see if this is gonna fly.

Get your ass back to D.C.

Thank you so much for coming.

Mr. Naylor?

It's your turn.

Ah.

Joey is such a bright young man.

We all look forward

to his coming out

of his shell a little.

He's a bit shy.

Yeah, he gets that from his mother.

Hey, Joey.

Please don't ruin my childhood.

Come on, Joey. Trust me.

How many of you want to be

lawyers when you grow up?

Right.

How about...

movie stars?

How about lobbyists?

What's that?

It's kind of like being a movie star.

It's what I do.

I talk for a living.

What do you talk about?

I speak on behalf of cigarettes.

My mom used to smoke.

She says that cigarettes kill.

Really? Now, is your mommy a doctor?

No.

A scientific researcher of some kind?

No.

Well, she doesn't exactly sound

like a credible expert,

now, does she?

Don't feel bad.

It's okay to listen to your mom.

I mean, it's good to listen

to your parents... Joey.

All I'm suggesting

is that there will always

be people trying to tell you

what to do and what to think.

There probably already are

people doing that.

Am I right?

Yes.

I'm here to say

that when someone tries to act

like some sort of an expert,

you can respond, "Who says?"

So, cigarettes are good for you?

- No!

- No, that's not...

That's not what I'm getting at.

My point is that you have

to think for yourself.

You have to challenge authority.

If your parents told you

that chocolate was dangerous,

would you just take their word for it?

No.

Exactly.

So perhaps instead of acting

like sheep

when it comes to cigarettes,

you should find out for yourself.

Okay, then.

Thank you, Mr. Naylor,

for joining us.

Every week we meet here at Bert's.

Together, we represent

the chief spokespeople

for the tobacco, alcohol and

firearms industries.

We call ourselves the MOD Squad.

All right.

M-O-D, Merchants of Death.

So, my day's ruined.

Why?

Dateline's doing a segment

on fetal alcohol syndrome.

Thank you.

Polly works

for the Moderation Council.

A casual drinker

by the age of 14,

Polly quickly developed

a tolerance usually reserved

for Irish dockworkers.

In our world, she's the woman

that got the pope

to endorse red wine.

We're gonna get creamed.

Any ideas?

I don't know.

Deformed kids are tough.

I'm lucky my product only makes

them bald before it kills them.

You could hug the kids.

They're not going

to let me hug the kids.

Who's doing the segment,

Donaldson or Sawyer?

Sawyer, probably.

You're f***ed.

Why?

Cause she's gonna hug them.

Look, if you see her going in

for a hug,

maybe just box her out,

get in there before she does.

BobbyJay works for SAFETY,

- the Society for the Advancement of Firearms

and Effective Training for Youth.

You want me to smile?

After watching the footage

of the Kent State shootings,

BobbyJay, then 17, signed up

for the National Guard

so he, too, could shoot

college students.

But the National Guard

recruiter was out to lunch,

so BobbyJay ended up

shooting Panamanians instead,

which was almost as good

as college students.

Only they shoot back.

You know, you can beat

a Breathalyzer

- by sucking on activated charcoal tablets?

- Really?

Maybe we should change

our campaign to

"If You Must Drink and Drive,

Suck Charcoal."

Yeah, but don't the police wonder

why you're sucking on charcoal?

There's no law against charcoal.

- Yet.

- Yet.

Dad, why is the American

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