Thank You For Smoking Page #2

government the best government?

Because of our

endless appeals system.

Joe, you're not writing down

what I just said are you?

Mm-hmm.

Joey, stop for a second.

What is the subject of your essay?

Why is American government

the best government in the world.

Your teacher crafted that question?

Yeah. Why?

Well... I'll look past

the obvious problems

in syntax for a moment,

and I'll focus more on the core

of the question.

I mean, "A,"

does America have

the best government in the world?

And "B," what constitutes

a "best government"?

Is it crime, is it poverty, literacy?

Hmm?

And America- definitely not best.

Perhaps not even better than most.

We do have a very

entertaining government...

Dad.

I'm sorry.

Are you familiar with the term "B.S."?

Bullshit.

Yes, exactly.

B.S., if I may, is what

questions like the one

your teacher posed are made for.

Because even if America

had the best government,

there'd be no way to prove it.

And how many pages are you writing?

Two pages.

Two pages...

Definitely not in two pages.

So what am I supposed to write?

You can write whatever you want.

Okay.

Write about...

write about America's

amazing ability

to make profit by breaking down

trading tariffs

and bringing American jobs

to Third World countries.

Or how good we are

at executing felons.

They're all correct answers.

I can do that?

See, Joey, that's the beauty

of argument.

'Cause if you argue correctly,

you're never wrong.

Dad, if I finish

this essay within an hour,

can we stay up all night?

That's a negotiation,

not an argument.

Well, Conway, see you made it.

Yeah, I guess that little

voice was wrong.

I feel better.

I feel a lot better, too.

As a matter of fact, I never

felt so good in my life.

How about a cigarette?

Is he...?

Yeah.

Hey.

Nick, you still own a watch, don't you?

Jill, I can't help feeling

Joey's getting the wrong idea

about his dad.

It would be great if I could spend

a little more time with him,

you know?

To give him a fair

and balanced perspective.

Nick, you had plenty

of time for that.

Now you're his weekend guardian.

Besides, he has Brad.

He still needs his father.

Nick.

You have a second?

Sure, Brad.

Nick, your job

and everything aside,

I hope you understand

that secondhand smoke's

a real killer.

What are you talking about?

I just hope you're providing

a smoke-free environment

for Joey, that's all I'm saying.

Brad, I'm his father.

You're the guy f***ing his mom.

That was unnecessary.

Thank you all.

Thank you all for coming.

Tobacco is winning the war.

The war against our children.

They like to use cartoons

and symbols to hook our kids.

Well, now we have

a symbol of our own.

Doctor.

It is my hope that

within the year

every cigarette package

sold in America

will carry this symbol.

Perhaps then, cigarettes

will finally be labeled

appropriately as poison.

I will be holding

a congressional hearing

to discuss the inclusion

of the skull and crossbones

in the next two weeks.

As usual, I extend

an open invitation

to big tobacco.

Perhaps this time they will

grace us with their presence.

And their answers.

Thank you very much.

People, what is going on out there?

I look down this table,

all I see are white flags.

Our numbers are down

all across the board.

Teen smoking-

our bread and butter,

is falling like a sh*t from heaven.

We don't sell Tic Tacs,

for Christ's sake.

We sell cigarettes.

And they're cool and available

and addictive.

The job is almost done for us.

This environmentalist

is challenging us.

We have to have an answer.

I'm asking you,

when this cocksucker puts

Captain Hook on our products,

what the f*** are we going to do?

- BR.

- Yeah, Nick.

If I may.

In 1910,

the U.S. was producing

ten billion cigarettes a year.

By 1930,

we were up to 123 billion.

What happened in between?

Three things.

A world war,

dieting... and movies.

Movies?

Suddenly, directors need to give

their actors

something to do

while they're talking.

Cary Grant, Carole Lombard

are lighting up.

Bette Davis- a chimney.

And Bogart-

remember the first picture

with him and Lauren Bacall?

Well, yea... not specifically.

Oh, she sort

of shimmies in

through the doorway,

Pure sex.

She says,

"Anyone got a match?"

And Bogie throws

the matches at her...

and she catches them.

Greatest romance of the century.

How'd it start?

Lighting a cigarette.

These days when someone

smokes in the movies,

they're either a psychopath

or a European.

The message Hollywood

needs to send out

is smoking is cool.

We need the cast of Will and Grace

smoking in their living room.

Forrest Gump puffing away

between his box of chocolates.

Hugh Grant earning back

the love of Julia Roberts

by buying her favorite brand-

her Virginia Slims.

Most of the actors smoke already.

If they start doing it on-screen,

we can put the sex

back into cigarettes.

Well, it's a thought.

I was hoping for something

a little more inspiring,

but at least you're thinking.

Rest of you people,

slam your f***ing brains

against your desks

until something useful comes out.

That was awesome.

Thank you.

Nick, you've been summoned.

Captain wants to see you.

He saw the Joan show.

What'd he think?

Get your ass on the next flight

to Winston-Salem.

Most people have this image

in their heads

of tobacco executives

jet-setting around the world

on private planes,

eating foie gras

as they count their money.

Not me.

I like to ride with the people.

Know your clients.

My people cram themselves

into a tiny seat,

pop a Xanax and dream

of the moment

they can stuff their face

with fresh tobacco.

If I can convince just one of

these kids to pick up smoking,

I've paid for my flight-round-trip.

The Captain is the last great

man of tobacco.

He introduced filters

when cigarettes first got

slammed by Reader's Digest.

Later, he founded

the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

The club was founded

by the tobacco barons in 1890

so they'd have a place

to get away from their wives.

Here, the Captain is a legend-

a self-made man who started

from nothing,

and ended up with everything...

except, evidently, a son.

Nick, my boy.

You're just in time for mud.

Thank you.

Sit down there. Yeah.

Yeah.

You know the secret

to a really good julep?

No, sir.

Well, you crush the mint

down onto the ice with your thumb

and you grind it in, see?

And it releases the menthol.

Hmm.

Now you know who taught me that?

No, sir. Who?

Fidel Castro.

Do you remember 1952?

Well, sir, I wasn't alive in 1952.

Good Lord, I was in Korea

shooting Chinese in 1952.

Really?

Today they're our best customer.

Next time we won't have to shoot

so many of them, will we?

No, sir.

Reader's Digest

nailed us with

the whole health aspect.

As Churchill said,

that was perhaps the end

of our beginning.

Tell me,

do you enjoy your current work, Nick?

Yes, sir.

It's challenging...

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