Thank You For Smoking Page #3

If you can do tobacco,

you can do anything.

Yes, sir, I like that.

You know, Nick, you remind me

just a little bit

of myself when I was your age.

Well, thank you, sir.

Like that Joan Lunden show you did.

You could have given up,

cried, apologized,

but you didn't.

You stayed loyal.

And you gave it

to that son of a b*tch good.

My pleasure.

Now, BR's come under the idea

that we should start bribing

producers in Hollywood

to make the actors smoke on screen.

You know, like in the old days.

Say, that's, uh...

that's a great idea.

Mm-hmm.

Smart man, that BR.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And loyal.

Yes, sir?

Have a seat, Ron.

You, see, Ron, I can't be

everywhere I'm needed.

That's why I send

people like you

to speak on my behalf.

When you're there,

you're not Ron Goode,

the guy your friends probably like,

you're Senator Finistirre's aide,

and your name really doesn't matter.

So, when

Ron Goode acts

like a complete a**hole

on the Joan Lunden Show,

I am being an a**hole

on the Joan Lunden Show.

Senator, sir, he sprang on me like...

Where in the hell

did you find cancer boy?

He was supposed to be quite reliable.

The Pulmonary Council

was one of his references.

F***ing nonprofits.

When you're looking

for a cancer kid,

he should be hopeless.

He should have a wheelchair.

He should have trouble talking.

He should have

a little pet goldfish

he carries around

in a ziplock bag-

hopeless.

I apologize, sir, but if it wasn't

- for Nick Naylor...

- Nick Naylor?

Don't you even think

of using him as an excuse.

The man shills bullshit for a living.

You work for a f***ing senator.

A senator who is supposed

to be tough on tobacco.

Have a little... pride,

for God's sake.

It won't happen again, sir,

I promise.

All right, you're excused.

Sometimes I feel like

a Colombian drug dealer.

The other day, my own granddaughter,

flesh of flesh of my own loins,

asked me, "Granddaddy, is it true

cigarettes are bad for you?"

We got to do something, Nick.

I think you're our man.

Thank you, sir.

I want you to work

on this Hollywood project.

Get out there the next

few weeks, stir things up

and report directly to me.

Sir, about the,

the $50 million.

Anti teen-smoking advertising.

Well, sh*t, I sure hope

it's not too persuasive.

I hope.

Nick,

you're family now.

Tobacco takes care of its own, eh?

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Naylor?

Hi.

Hi. Welcome to Tobacco One.

Thank you.

The captain told me to take

extra special care of you today.

So if there is anything

at all I can do

to make your flight

more pleasant,

you be sure and let me know now.

BR.

Pleasant flight?

Oh! You could say that.

Came up on the Captain's plane.

Oh, it's quite the way to travel.

I wouldn't know.

No? You never been on Tobacco One

with those seats, that kitchen,

that stewardess, Tiffany?

Haven't had the chance yet.

Oh, well, you really must try it.

It's the only way to travel.

What'd he think of your $50 million

anti-smoking campaign?

Oh, the $50 million

anti teen-smoking campaign?

Yeah.

Yeah, he gave that the go-ahead.

Oh, and he loved your idea

to put cigarettes back into movies.

- That was your idea.

- Oh, yeah?

- He must have gotten confused.

- Hmm.

Yeah. Well, either way,

he was pretty blown away.

Right. Well, get a flight to L.A.

I'll get you a meeting

with Jeff Megall.

Who?

Hollywood super agent.

Runs the agency EGO:

Entertainment Global Offices.

This guy is the entertainment business.

And you are cigarettes, BR.

Whatever.

Yeah, but it's not a vacation,

it's a learning experience.

And California is one

of the fastest-growing

states, it's got

the largest number of electoral

votes in the country.

I mean, this could be

a very good trip for Joey.

You know what?

Don't smooth-talk me.

You're not going to

take him sightseeing.

You're probably going

to take him

to some lung cancer symposium

where a guy with an electronic

voice box will tell him

that his father is the devil.

That's unfair.

Unfair? What about Virginia?

And what about Virginia?

You took him to a cigarette factory.

No, I took him to a tobacco farm.

That's hardly the same thing.

This conversation's over.

Oh, f***.

Last week we had another

disgruntled postman.

Of course,

an hour later the Washington Post

is calling me on the phone-

godless swine.

I said to 'em, I says,

"Now if a plane crashes

on account of pilot error,

do you blame the Boeing Corporation?"

Nice.

- That's a good one.

- Thank you.

If some booze-besotten drunk

runs someone down,

do you go banging on the doors

at General Motors?

Tell me you didn't say that.

Mm-hmm.

Have either of you heard of a

reporter named Heather Holloway?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Irish type.

Brown hair, big blue eyes.

Nice skin.

Amazing tits.

Tits? Why are tits relevant?

Hmm, let's see.

World-class tits on a reporter

interviewing a man

with privileged information

are relevant.

How about it, Nick?

Are you a tit man?

Don't answer that.

That's a trap.

Depends whose tits.

Look, just don't get screwed,

all right?

Bobby, I think I can handle

a good-looking girl reporter.

Thank you.

Heather Holloway.

Nick Naylor, big tobacco.

Is this kosher?

Only if I can call you "Heather."

By all means.

So, Mr. Naylor...

- Nick.

- Nick.

Let's start with...

An '82 Margaux.

Okay. Is it good?

Good? It'll make you believe in God.

So what is the focus of your piece?

- You.

- Really?

You want to know how I live

with myself.

No. I don't imagine

that's much of a problem.

I want to know how you see yourself.

I'm...

a mediator between two sects

of society

that are trying

to reach an accommodation.

Interesting.

My other interviews have pinned

you as a mass murderer,

bloodsucker, pimp,

profiteer, child killer,

and my personal favorite

"yuppie Mephistopheles."

Wow, that sounds

like a balanced article.

Who else should I talk to?

for starters

or perhaps

the American tobacco farmer

who is constantly being treated

like a drug smuggler.

I actually do plan on speaking

to a tobacco farmer.

Good.

They're fine people,

salt of the earth.

Nick, why do you do this?

What motivates you?

You really want to know?

Mm-hmm.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Population control.

You're bad.

Everyone's got a mortgage to pay.

The yuppie Nuremberg defense.

So is a mortgage that much

of a life goal?

Well, 99% of everything done

in the world, good or bad,

is done to pay a mortgage,

so perhaps the world

would be a better place

if everyone rented.

Then why don't you rent?

Mm. Well, I rent as well.

- Really?

- Yeah.

My son and his mother

and her boyfriend

live in my house.

I live in my apartment.

What does Nick Naylor's

apartment look like?

I don't know.

It's nothing impressive.

It wouldn't make

the real estate section.

Can I see it?

You want to see my apartment?

I'd like to see

where the devil sleeps.

I know what

you're probably thinking.

This is a bad idea, right?

I mean, come on.

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