Thank You For Smoking Page #4

It's not that bad of an idea.

Mom, why can't I go

to California?

Because California's

just not a... safe place.

And besides,

I'm not sure it's appropriate

for your father to bring you

on a business trip.

Appropriate for who?

What?

Mom, is it possible that

you're taking the frustration

of your failed marriage out on me?

Excuse me?

This California trip seems like

a great learning opportunity

and a chance for me

to get to know my father.

But if you think it's more important

to use me to channel your frustration

against the man you no longer love,

I'll understand.

How'd you convince her?

It was an argument,

not a negotiation.

That's my boy.

Nick?

Nick, Jack, Jeff's assistant. Hey.

How was your flight?

Are you jet-lagged at all?

It's, like, 2:
00 in D.C.

right now.

You know what?

Take some vitamin B.

Jeff swears by it- in fact,

I'm gonna hook you up

with an injection.

Who's this with you?

How are you, dude? What's going on?

You guys ever been to L.A. before?

You want to head back

to Jeffs office?

In fact, we probably should-

He's a punctual being.

We actually had some problems at first

with the exterior mirrored glass.

The reflection of the sun was causing

head-on collisions on Wilshire.

Oh, is everybody all right?

Yeah, they got three-picture deals

at Paramount- I'm sure they'll live.

- It's a nice building.

- Yeah?

Hey, tell Jeff you think so, okay?

'Cause he just put a lot

of himself into this building.

And you know something?

It really shows.

What's up, Hiroshi?

Keep going- that sand's

not gonna rake itself.

All right, come here,

this is my favorite part.

That one right there?

It's $7,000.

- $7,000 for a fish?

- Yep.

Kind of makes you want

to stop eating sushi,

but I guess you kind of have to.

Hey, you see that

big white one right there?

Swear to you- $12,000,

gift from Oprah.

It's a Chamberlain- office-warming gift

from Matthew McConaughey.

Generous gift.

Yeah. Right!

Don't get me wrong, Matthew is

a tremendously talented individual

and an extremely decent human being,

however, before Jeff

took him on, he was a face.

Now he's a name.

Do you hear that?

No.

Exactly.

Hey, Neal.

Neal, I'm gonna impale

your mom on a spike,

and I'm gonna feed her dead body

to my dog with syphilis.

Aw, Jack, you got me!

That guy!

It's an inside joke.

So, as you can see,

Jeff just really loves Asian sh*t.

Uh, Candace, is he ready?

- Mm-hmm.

- Fantastic.

Okay, Joey,

I'm gonna bring your dad in now.

Is there anything I can get

you while you're waiting,

like an orange juice

or a coffee or a Red Bull?

- No, thanks.

- Okay.

Wow, it's a great office.

Yeah. Jeff basically designed

the whole thing.

The architect just made the drawings.

Jack, stop it.

Next you're gonna be telling him

what position I played

for the Bruins.

Quarterback.

Jeff Megall.

Nick Naylor.

Mr. Naylor's here to see

if we can't get cigarettes

- into the hands of somebody

other than the usual RAVs.

- Sure.

- RAVs?

- Russians, Arabs and Villains.

Oh, well, then yes, I guess

that is why I'm here.

Good. I think we can help.

Jeff invented product placement.

I feel I have to ask, uh...

Are you concerned at

all about the, um...

about the health element?

I'm not a doctor, I'm a facilitator.

I bring creative people together.

Whatever information there is,

exists, it's out there.

People will decide for themselves.

They should. It's not

my role to decide for them.

It'd be morally presumptuous.

I could learn a lot

from this man.

Now, what we need is

a smoking role model,

a real winner.

Indiana Jones meets Jerry Maguire.

Right, on two packs a day.

Only he can't live

in contemporary society.

Why not?

The health issue's way too prevalent.

People would constantly

be asking the character

why he's smoking-

and that should go unsaid.

How do you feel about the future?

The future?

Yeah, after the health thing's

blown over.

A world

where smokers and nonsmokers

live together in perfect harmony.

Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie

they're looking to make.

Message From Sector Six.

All takes place in a space station.

They're actively looking

for some cofinancing.

So cigarettes in space?

It's the final frontier, Nick.

But wouldn't they blow up

in an all-oxygen environment?

Probably.

But it's an easy fix-

one line of dialogue:

"Thank God we invented the..."

you know,

whatever device.

Brad Pitt.

Catherine Zeta-Jones.

They've just finished ravishing

each other's bodies

for the first time.

They lie naked, suspended in air

underneath the heavens.

Pitt lights up.

He starts blowing smoke rings

all around

Catherine's naked, flawless body,

as the galaxies go whizzing

by over the glass-domed ceiling.

Now, tell me that

doesn't work for you.

I'd see that movie.

I'd buy the goddamn DVD.

You know, if the academy

didn't send them to me for free.

You know,

you guys ought to think

about designing a cigarette

to be released simultaneously

with the movie.

Sector Sixes.

No one's ever done it

with a cigarette.

Wow.

Well, where do we go from here?

You enjoy the rest of your day

in L.A. with your son

while I find out

the answers to these questions.

Hey, where can I get

a bite to eat with my son?

You ought to try Nobu's new place.

- He only serves food that's white.

- Oh, great.

So, you go to an office,

then you go on TV

and talk about cigarettes.

Then you fly out to L.A.

to talk to some guy who

works with movie stars.

- What is that?

- That's my job; I'm a lobbyist.

I know, but did you study to do that?

No. No, I just kind of figured it out.

Then can't anyone just do that?

No, it, uh, requires a...

a moral flexibility

that goes beyond most people.

Do I have flexible morals?

Well, let's say

you became a lawyer, right?

And you were asked

to defend a murderer.

Worse than that- a child murderer.

Now,

the law states that every person

deserves a fair trial.

Would you defend them?

I don't know.

I guess every person

- deserves a fair defense.

- Yeah, well,

so do multinational corporations.

So, what happens when you're wrong?

Well, Joey, I'm never wrong.

But you can't always be right.

Well, if it's your job to be right,

then you're never wrong.

But what if you are wrong?

Okay, let's say that

you're defending chocolate

and I'm defending vanilla.

Now, if I were to say to you,

"Vanilla's the best flavor

ice cream," you'd say...?

- "No, chocolate is."

- Exactly.

But you can't win that argument.

So, I'll ask you-

So you think chocolate

is the end-all and be-all

of ice cream, do you?

It's the best ice cream;

I wouldn't order any other.

Oh. So it's all chocolate

for you, is it?

Yes, chocolate is all I need.

Well, I need more than chocolate.

And for that matter,

I need more than vanilla.

I believe that we need

freedom and choice

when it comes to our ice cream,

and that, Joey Naylor,

that is the definition of liberty.

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