Thank You For Smoking Page #5

But that's not what

we're talking about.

Ah, but that's what

I'm talking about.

- But... you didn't prove that vanilla's the best.

- I didn't have to.

I proved that you're wrong-

and if you're wrong, I'm right.

But you still didn't

convince me.

'Cause I'm not after you.

I'm after them.

Hello?

Thought I'd give you a little update.

Jeff. You still at the office?

Do you know what time it is

in Tokyo right now?

- No.

- 4:
00 P.M. tomorrow.

It's the future, Nick.

Anyway, for Pitt to smoke,

it's $10 million;

for the pair, it's 25.

of something, I get a discount.

What's the extra five for?

Synergy.

These are not stupid people;

they got it right away.

Pitt and Zeta-Jones lighting up

after some cosmic f***ing

in the bubble suite's

gonna sell a lot of cigarettes.

Well, for that kind of money,

my people will expect

some very serious smoking.

Can Brad blow smoke rings?

I don't have that information.

Well, for $25 million,

we'd want smoke rings.

Oh, one other thing-

you'll be cofinancing

the picture

with the Sultan of Glutan.

The Sultan of Glutan?

The one who massacred

and enslaved his own people?

Aren't they calling him

the Hitler of the South Pacific?

No, I can't speak to that-

All my dealings with him,

he's been a very reasonable

and sensitive guy.

He's fun. You'll like him.

I better run it by my people.

No problem.

Oh, that's London calling.

Jeff, when do you sleep?

Sunday.

- Operator.

- Yeah, my light is blinking.

- There's a package downstairs for you.

- Okay, send it up.

Captain, I'm sitting in front

of an open briefcase.

I don't suppose this is a raise.

Now, Nick, do you know

who Lorne Lutch is?

Yeah, of course.

He's the original Marlboro Man.

He's dying.

He was on Sally last week.

Not exactly our biggest fan.

Well, the money's for him.

Now, he has a ranch

out there in California.

I want you to bring it to him.

He's a cowboy, sir,

and cowboys don't like bribes.

It's not a bribe. No, sir.

You're going out there

on wings of angels, son.

You mean we're just going

to give him the money?

Well, I think Christ himself

would say,

"That's mighty white of you boys."

No gag agreement?

Hopefully, he'll be so damn

overcome with gratitude

he'll... he'll have to shut up.

Hey, kiddo, I got to go do

a little bit more work

this afternoon, all right?

Can I come?

No. Not this time.

But I want to see what you do.

You stay here, okay?

What the f*** are you doing here?

Uh... uh...

Do you have a minute?

What do you want?

Dad!

Joey, get back in the car.

Just want to talk.

All right.

Let's talk.

Pearl, we got company.

Mister, you got a lot of nerve

walking in here after...

Honey, why don't you show

this young man some iced tea?

I'll be right back, tiger.

Saw you on...

Weren't you on that TV show?

Yeah. Yeah, that was me.

You're lucky you made it

out of there alive.

Yeah. Tobacco used to be

all over the television.

Now TV is leading the witch hunt.

Strange business.

Last year, after I was diagnosed,

flew east to attend the

annual stockholders' convention.

Stood up and told them

I thought

they ought to cut back

on their advertising.

You know what your boss said to me?

He said, "We're certainly sorry

"to hear about your medical problem.

"However, without

knowing more

"of your medical history,

we can't comment further."

But then they tried to pretend

I never worked for 'em.

Yeah, I got the pay stubs.

But, hell,

I was on the damn billboards.

I never

even smoked

Marlboro.

I smoked Kools.

You look like a nice-enough fella.

What are you doing

working for these a**holes?

I'm good at it.

Better at doing this

than I ever was

at doing anything else.

Aw, hell, son.

I was good at shooting VC.

I didn't make it my career.

I suppose we all

got to pay the mortgage.

Your dad always bring

you along like this?

No. I live with my mom.

He tell you why he's here today?

He said that your husband

was the Marlboro Man.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

Hello.

Yeah. Hey, can you hold on a second?

You need anything else,

grab it out of the fridge.

So I'm standing here

minding my own business,

filling up pill bottles...

So you're here to talk me

into shutting up?

That what's in that case of yours?

Yeah, basically.

No, not basically.

That's... that's exactly it.

My dignity ain't for sale.

It's not an offer.

It's a gift.

Taxes have all been paid.

You get to keep it

no matter what you do.

The idea is that, somehow,

your guilt will prevent you

from bad-mouthing us.

Are you supposed to be

telling me all that?

No, sir. Just apologize,

give you the money, and leave.

Why are you telling me this?

Because, this way,

you'll take the money.

Why would I do that?

Because you're mad.

Damn straight I am.

The first thing you'll do,

is you'll call the L.A. Times,

and CNN...

- Huh?

- and insist on Bonnie Carlton.

She does really good

controlled outrage.

Tell them, "No Bonnie, no story."

Watch it on MSNBC.

- Okay.

- When they get here,

you open up the case...

and you pour all the cash

out onto the floor.

- Why?

- Trust me.

It'll look more effective that way.

Don't forget to shake

every last bundle out.

If you can, you know,

give a cough or two.

Once it's all

out on the floor,

tell them what you're

going to do with it.

What am I going to do with it?

You're going to donate it.

Yeah. Start the Lorne Lutch

Cancer Foundation.

You're going to have

a ranch and a fair

and a 5K.

A 5K is a must. Television...

Wait a minute.

What about my family?

But, Lorne, you can't keep the money.

Why the hell not?

What do you mean?

Denounce us,

and then keep the blood money?

I mean, look at it.

I got to think this over.

Lorne, whoa.

News doesn't work that way.

You can't denounce us next week.

I don't suppose I can

denounce you for half of it.

No, Lorne. Either you keep

all the money,

or you... you give it all away.

Dad, how did you know

he would take the money?

You'd have to be crazy

to turn down all that money.

When I saw he wasn't crazy,

I knew he'd take it.

Would you have taken it?

If I were him? Sure.

So would I.

I don't think you understand, sir.

He's like a wild animal.

You'll have to be

on your guard at all times.

He has this trick.

Ron, shut up.

I've tangoed with presidents,

lawyers and Indian chiefs.

I think I can handle Mr. Nick Naylor.

All right, welcome back, kids.

We've got two guests

on the show tonight.

First, joining us

from our Washington studio...

I must have that tie clip!

...is the senator from

the great state of Vermont.

Please welcome Ortolan Finistirre.

Welcome, Senator.

Good to be here, Dennis.

And, joining us here

in our Los Angeles studio,

he is the chief spokesperson

for the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

Quite an august chamber, might I add?

- Nick Naylor. Nick, welcome.

- Pleasure to be here.

All right, I understand you were

on Joan Lunden's show recently.

Didn't make a lot

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