Thank You For Smoking Page #6

of friends over there, did you?

I will say that I don't think

I'll be getting

my annual invitation

to the Finistirre Labor Day Barbecue.

Well, I continue to offer

an open invitation to Mr. Naylor

to join us in Congress

to talk about the inclusion

of our new poison label which,

if I might say...

Nick, ready to trek up

the Hill and testify

before Congress?

Well, I'd love to, Dennis,

but not as long as the senator

is calling for me to be fired.

It's not exactly

a welcome invitation.

Yeah. Bit of a mixed message,

Senator.

Well, not as mixed as the stance

that Big Tobacco has taken

about the dangers

of smoking cigarettes.

- Oh, no.

- Now what are you laughing...?

You're a wind-up artist.

Give the man his due.

He's got a bit of a point there,

doesn't he?

Sorry. I just can't

help myself, Dennis.

I... I... I'm just tickled by the idea

of the gentleman from Vermont

calling me a hypocrite

when, uh... this same man,

in one day, held a press

conference where he called

for the American tobacco fields

to be slashed and burned,

then he jumped on a private jet

and flew down to Farm Aid

where he rode a tractor onstage

- Oh, come on.

- as he bemoaned the downfall

of the American farmer.

Care to comment, Senator?

He... I... No.

Eloquent in its brevity.

Emotional issue.

Let's take some phone calls now.

Herndon, Virginia.

Go ahead. You're on the show.

Dennis, has anyone ever

announced that they're going

to kill someone live on your show?

My demo's been called quirky

but, no, at this point,

we're not skewing

to the emotionally unstable.

Then it's your lucky day.

Because I'm here to tell

you that, within a week,

we're going to dispatch

Mr. Naylor from this planet

for all the pain and suffering

he's caused in the world.

As I said, emotional issue.

We're going to break now.

I got to fire a call screener.

Let's go.

This is Nick Naylor

telling you kids,

"Don't do drugs, smoke cigarettes."

That's really great.

It's like I'm looking in a mirror.

New idea:

cigarettes for the homeless.

We'll call them "hobos."

Uh, that's awful.

Any better than "Sector Sixes"?

Right.

Oh, my God, Nick, you're on TV.

"Lobbyist on the lookout."

You got to be kidding me.

I want to f*** you

while I watch you on TV.

And they call me sick.

Hurry.

Before your segment ends.

All right.

Tell me more about Los Angeles, baby.

Huh?

He says he wants

to trail me everywhere,

I said, "Who's paying for it?"

He says the tobacco company's

paying for it.

I said, "I don't need a bodyguard."

I'm a man of the people.

Rock on, Kennedy.

Listen, we're all going to

need bodyguards soon enough.

Did you see the coverage

the fetal alcohol people

got themselves over this weekend?

They made it seem like

we were encouraging

pregnant women to drink.

I'm surprised I didn't get kidnapped

on my way to work this morning.

I don't think people from

the alcoholic beverage industry

need to worry about

being kidnapped just yet.

Pardon me?

Look, I mean,

nothing personal,

but tobacco generates

a little more heat than alcohol.

Oh, this is news.

My product puts away 475,000 a year.

Oh, okay, now 475 is a legit number.

Okay, 435,000.

That's 1,200 a day.

How many alcohol-related deaths

a year?

- Well, does that...

- 100,000 tops?

That's, what, 270 a day?

Wowee.

Excuse me if I don't exactly see

terrorists getting excited

about kidnapping anyone

from the alcohol industry.

- Well, you haven't even

- Okay,

- taken into account the number of deaths

- let's just

- breathe.

- How many gun deaths a year in the U. S?

That's less than passenger car

mortalities.

No terrorist would bother

with either of you.

Okay, look...

stupid argument.

I'll say.

I'm sure both of you warrant

vigilante justice.

Thank you.

Hey... please.

Stop... hey.

Who are you guys?

And freedom means

that we can do what we want.

And that's really important.

Because otherwise,

we couldn't be free.

And that's why America is

the best government in the world.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, no need for that,

no need for that.

Whoa, whoa, hey.

Hey, wait.

Can we get a dialogue going here?

Nick, we want you

to stop killing people.

So many people.

Half a million people a year

in the U.S.

That, there's no data

to support that.

Nick... you're not on TV anymore.

Okay, Joey, it's your turn.

Hey!

Nick, how much do you smoke a day?

Hey, what are you doing?

According to the box,

each one of those patches

contains 21 milligrams of nicotine.

That's, like, what?

One pack?

Our industry has been working

hand in hand with...

Nick! Just listen, all right?

What makes America

the best government?

The passion that doesn't exist

anywhere in the world.

Says here there are

many adverse reactions

from those things.

Let's see, "arrhythmia,

"constipation, dyspepsia,

- "nausea...

- My industry does $48 billion in revenue.

pharyngitis, sinusitis..."

Sure you can call it capitalism,

a free market,

a celebration of tariff breakdowns...

"dysmenorrhea..."

I don't even want to know

what that means.

Hey, look, I guess you could

start by, you know,

asking for five million,

working your way up from there.

But I don't want any money, Nick.

Well, what do you want?

I mean, I'm all ears here.

I have another word for it-

love.

What does any man want?

The love of a woman,

crisp bacon...

an average life span over 80 years.

Oh, Nick...

...you don't look so good.

If you should smell smoke,

please dial zero for the operator.

Before leaving the room,

check the door for heat.

Find your nearest

emergency exit,

then soak a washcloth

and cover your nose and mouth.

Do not remove your washcloth.

Try at all times to avoid

breathing in the smoke.

If necessary, crawl on

your hands and knees

to avoid the inhalation of smoke.

Do not be alarmed.

There are still

no conclusive studies

that link smoking to emphysema.

You woke up.

Perhaps a bad choice of inflection.

Is she implying that I

couldve just as easily not?

I was so scared.

Hey, Joey.

What happened?

No nonsmoker

could've ever withstood

the amount of nicotine

you had in your bloodstream.

Hate to say it, but...

cigarettes saved your life.

Can I quote you on that, doc?

You're a real trooper, my boy.

Hey, Captain,

where are you?

Winston-Salem General.

Damn heart failing me again.

I thought we could be roommates.

Nick, before

we get sidetracked,

there is one thing.

All right, don't get

all dramatic on me, doc.

You can't smoke.

That's no problem.

I've quit before.

I did during the pregnancy.

How long, you think?

I don't think you understand.

It's a miracle you came

out of this alive.

Any smoking- one cigarette-

could put you right back

into a paralytic state.

Your body just can't handle it.

Nick, I don't want to put

any more pressure on you,

but we got a camera crew

waiting out there.

If we want to make

the evening news...

You want to unhook me here?

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