Thank You For Smoking Page #7

This just goes to prove what

I've been saying for so long.

These nicotine patches

are just deadly.

Smoking saved my life.

Considering your condition,

will you still be able to appear

before Senator Finistirre's

subcommittee hearing

on the usage of poison labels

on cigarette packaging?

Oh, I think now more than ever

it is imperative that I be there.

Nothing will keep me from testifying.

F***ing kidnapping.

I don't understand, sir.

Aren't we considering

the kidnapping a good thing?

Well, he didn't die.

He was almost killed, sir.

That's the point.

Now he looks like a victim,

lucky bastard.

The way I heard it,

D.C. police found you naked

laying in Lincoln's crotch

covered in nicotine patches

with a sign across your chest

- that said...

- He doesn't need to hear the details.

It was some pretty f***ed up sh*t.

Shh!

How are you feeling?

I don't know.

First time I'm thinking these

cigarettes are pretty dangerous.

You might be right about that.

What are you doing?

It may be small,

but it'll do the trick.

One shot, bam.

Listen, Nick is not

going to shoot anyone.

Cool.

Yeah, huh?

I mean, uh...

guns are to be treated with

respect, you understand that?

You'll make a great father.

Thanks.

Hey, there he is!

Hey, he's back!

Hey!

Welcome back.

- You okay?

- Great.

Good, 'cause you're booked on

all the Sunday talk shows.

For once we got public sympathy

on our side.

We can start our own little

celebrity victim tour.

I mean, we couldn't have planned

this thing better ourselves.

Oh, maybe next time

I can lose a lung.

Oh. Uh, I heard the, uh...

Heather Holloway article

is coming out tomorrow.

Really?

Yeah, anything I should be

worried about?

Uh, yeah, the Cancer Association.

Apparently, they have it in for us.

F***ers.

What?

I got a call from the paper.

Really?

What'd they want?

They wanted the correct spelling

of my name and job title.

You didn't tell her

about us, did you?

Who?

Heather?

No.

I mean, maybe in passing, I...

In passing.

Oh, God, he f***ed her.

I tried to warn you.

Hey, he didn't f*** her.

You didn't f*** her, did you?

When?

In passing.

Look, she's a really nice girl.

Oh, God.

We're really f***ed.

"Nick Naylor,

lead spokesman for big tobacco,

"would have you believe he

thinks cigarettes are harmless.

"But really, he's doing it

for the mortgage.

The MOD squad-meaning,

of course, merchants of death-

is comprised of Polly Bailey

of the Moderation Council

and BobbyJay Bliss

of the gun business's

own advisory group, SAFETY.

As explained by Naylor,

the sole purpose of their meetings

is to compete for

the highest death toll

as they compare strategies

on how to dupe the American people.

The film, Message from Sector Six,

would emphasize the sex appeal

of cigarettes

in a way that only floating, nude,

copulating Hollywood stars could.

This did not stop Nick

from bribing the dying man

with a suitcase of cash

to keep quiet on the subject

of his recent lung cancer diagnosis.

Nick's own son, Joey Naylor,

seems to be being groomed

for the job as he joins his father

on the majority of his trips.

I have Heather Holloway on line one.

Heather.

Hey, Nick, what did you think?

Heather, uh... I...

I mean, there's a lot

of information in here, Heather,

that is off the record.

You never said anything

about off the record.

I presumed anything said while

I was inside you was privileged.

Nick...

If you wanted to talk on a plane

or at a movie or over dinner,

that would have been fine.

But you wanted to f***.

That's fine by me.

You used me.

Oh, Nick, come on.

Now we're being children.

Look, we both love our jobs.

I'm just a reporter,

and you're just a lobbyist.

How can you do this to me?

For the mortgage.

B*tch.

Whore.

You should have been

more careful, Nick.

You've destroyed all the good

will created by your kidnapping.

Well, we'll work up a rebuttal.

Heather Holloway isn't

the only reporter in town.

No, there isn't going

to be any rebuttal.

What do you mean?

Don't talk to anyone.

We're pulling you

from the congressional hearing.

No, no, no. You can't pull me

from the congressional hearing.

All you'll be doing is giving

credence to her article.

I'm ready to testify.

Look, Nick, half of my job

is damage control.

Today, that consists

of distancing ourselves

from you entirely-

letting you take

all the heat on this article.

Your job relied on your ability

to keep secrets

and spin the truth.

I just cannot imagine a way

in which you could have f***ed

up more.

There's just no way I could

possibly keep you on staff.

Then I assume you've run this

by the captain.

Captain died this morning.

Mr. Naylor,

this is Pete in Security from the Academy.

Your things are waiting for you

at the information kiosk

in the lobby.

Look, if you don't pick your

stuff up by Friday,

we're instructed to throw it out.

Mr. Naylor, this is Special

Agent Johnson with the FBI.

Having not found any leads in

your kidnapping investigation,

we're going to be

handing over the case

to the local D.C. police,

so please refer to them

in the future

for any updates and questions.

Nick, Jack in Jeff Megall's office.

Jeff really enjoyed

meeting you the other day

and he's just... he's torn up

about the fact

that you two couldn't find

a project to work on.

He's really just... I don't know.

So, listen,

but we should hang, at least,

so you drop me a line

whenever you're in town.

Uh... my e-mail is, uh...

Who is it?

It's me, Nick.

Jill, this is a bad time.

Let me in.

No.

I brought someone

who needs to talk to you.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Dad.

Coke in the fridge.

So, this Heather Holloway,

she must have been pretty hot.

Yes. She's pretty hot.

Don't take it so hard.

A few flaws can be appealing.

Makes you human.

Who wants to be human?

Well, I know one person

who still thinks you're a God.

Why did you tell that reporter

all your secrets?

You're too young to understand.

Mom says it's because

you have dependency issues

and it was all just

a matter of time

before you threw it all away

on some tramp.

Well, that's one theory.

Why are you hiding from everyone?

It has something to do with

being generally hated right now.

But it's your job to be

generally hated.

It's more complicated

than that, Joey.

You're just making it

more complicated

so that you can feel

sorry for yourself.

Like you always said,

"If you want an easy job,

go work for the Red Cross."

You're a lobbyist.

Your job is to be right, and

you're the best at what you do.

You're the sultan of spin.

"Sultan of spin"?

Mom subscribes to Newsweek.

Who cares what the Brads

of the world think?

He's not my dad.

You are.

And right there,

looking into Joeys eyes,

it all came back in a rush.

Why I do what I do-

defending the defenseless,

protecting the disenfranchised

corporations

that have been abandoned

by their very own consumers-

the logger...

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