Thank You For Smoking Page #8

the sweatshop foreman...

the oil driller...

the land mine developer...

the baby seal poacher...

Baby seal poacher?

Even I think that's kind of cruel.

All right, you're missing the point.

I must be, because I thought

you were apologizing.

I'm getting to that.

When?

Look.

The two of you, you're

basically my only friends,

and the last thing that

I would ever want to do

would be to hurt you.

And, I can only imagine...

Why are you smiling?

Why is he smiling?

He won a hundred bucks off of you.

I bet Polly you'd spill the beans

to that reporter.

That goes against everything

that we stand for.

Oh, please! You've ratted us out

to some reporter with tits!

Glorious tits.

Only after you created a betting

pool testing my incompetence?

Do you have any idea the beating

I'm taking at Moderation?

Well, look, I'm sure both of

you are under a lot of scrutiny.

You know what?

You can stop using the plural.

The guys at Safety actually liked

the name "Merchants of Death."

They're gonna have

some bumper stickers made up.

I'll make sure you get one.

Thank you.

That is disgusting.

It's American.

Can I have a bite?

Mmm.

So I guess this means

you won't be appearing

at Finistirre's subcommittee.

Hmm. I was kind of looking

forward to it, too.

It's kind of cool in

a Jimmy Stewart sort of way.

More like an Ollie North sort of way.

Finistirre would have

torn you a new a**hole

in a House of Parliament, no less.

I could have taken him.

- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah? What would you have said?

I don't know.

I'd just like him to feel

immeasurable pain,

humiliation.

Yeah, well, that would be

kind of tough.

I mean, he's already a Senator.

I mean, how would you get

back in even if you wanted to?

Uh-oh.

You're not gonna like this.

Hello.

Thanks very much for coming.

First of all, I'd like to say

a few words

to all the people who

are mentioned

in the recent newspaper article.

Please take comfort in knowing

that I will not rest until

your names are cleared.

This experience has taught me

an important lesson-

having sexual affairs

with members of the press

is just unfair.

It's not unfair to me, mind you,

but to all the people in my life

whose only crime is knowing me.

It was your names, not mine,

that suffered

from a meaningless affair

with a seductress

in the form of a young

brunette Washington reporter

whose name I won't mention

because I have dignity.

Mr. Naylor!

Are you still planning

on testifying

at tomorrow's subcommittee

hearing on tobacco?

I'm glad you asked that question.

There have been wide accusations of me

dropping out of tomorrow's hearing.

Let it be known

that unless Senator Finistirre

has withdrawn my invitation

- to speak, it is my plan

- It's called a subpoena.

to be in Congress tomorrow

to share my knowledge

of big tobacco and all those

who enjoy its products.

Thank you very much.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Still feel like Jimmy Stewart?

Good.

Why don't you all go ahead?

This could be a while.

If we could, um... if we could

take our seats, please.

Gentlemen, ladies.

If I may call this meeting to order.

We'll do everything we can to

keep things brief and concise

so that we can all

get out of here on time.

The skull and crossbones

means one thing:

Poison.

Thus, the message is quite clear.

Like any other product

that carries the branding,

if you take it, you will die.

Yes, but isn't this overkill?

Why don't we just use words,

as we currently do?

Something that describes the

dangers of cigarette smoking.

Well, the American public

is not affected

by masthead anymore.

They need images.

We've done studies

which show that consumers react

up to 80% more to imagery

rather than words.

The stats are there.

It's just sad

that the Academy of Tobacco

Studies did not release

this type of information earlier.

When you say

the Academy of Tobacco Studies,

you're referring to...

Yes.

to the coalition...

Yes, the coalition.

The big... big tobacco...

...that is represented by...

By, um...

And specifically

Mr...

Um...

Mr., uh, Nick Naylor.

Nick Naylor?

Thank you very much.

The current use

of words instead of imagery

is an obvious move against

the non-English-speaking population

of the United States.

The skull and crossbones

speak loudly in all languages.

By not using it,

they're saying

they want those who can't

read English to die.

Hmm. Senor Herrera,

could you clarify "they"?

Let it be known,

the public beating

has not gone out of style.

Nick Naylor, please step forward.

You go sit with him.

Please state your name,

address and current occupation.

My name is Nick Naylor.

I live at 6000

Massachusetts Avenue

and I am currently unemployed,

but until recently,

I was the vice president

of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

Mr. Naylor,

as vice president

of the Academy

of Tobacco Studies,

what was required of you?

What did you do?

I informed the public

of all the research performed

in the investigation

on the effects of tobacco.

Mm-hmm,

and what,

so far,

has the Academy concluded

in their investigation

into the effects of tobacco?

Well, many things, actually.

Why, just the other day

they uncovered evidence

that smoking can offset

Parkinson's disease.

I'm sure the health

community

is thrilled.

Mr. Naylor, who provides

the financial backing

for the Academy of Tobacco Studies?

Uh... Conglomerated Tobacco.

That's the cigarette companies.

For the most part, yes.

Do you think that...

might affect their priorities?

No, just as I'm sure

campaign contributions

don't affect yours.

Ohh.

Senators, Mr. Naylor is not here

to testify on the goings-on

of the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

We're here to examine

the possibility

of a warning logo on cigarettes.

Now, Mr. Naylor,

I have to ask you,

out of formality,

do you believe that smoking

cigarettes, over time,

can lead to lung cancer and

other respiratory conditions

such as emphysema?

Yes.

In fact, I think you'd be

hard-pressed

to find someone

who really believes

that cigarettes are not

potentially harmful.

I mean, show of hands,

who out here thinks

- that cigarettes aren't dangerous...

- Mr. Naylor.

There's no need for theatrics.

Sir, I just don't see the point in a warning

label for something people already know.

The warning symbol

is a reminder, a reminder of the

dangers of smoking cigarettes.

Well, if we want to remind

people of danger,

why don't we slap

a skull and crossbones

on all Boeing airplanes,

Senator Lothridge?

And all Fords, Senator Dupree?

That is ridiculous.

The death toll from airline

and automobile accidents

doesn't even skim the surface

of cigarettes.

They don't even compare.

Oh, this from a senator

who calls Vermont home.

I don't follow you, Mr. Naylor.

Well, the real

demonstrated number one killer

in America is cholesterol,

and here comes

Senator Finistirre,

whose fine state is,

I regret to say,

clogging the nation's arteries

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