That Awkward Moment

It's 2:
18 in the morning

in the middle of February.

I've been sitting on a park

bench for almost Your hours.

Fm f***ing freezing.

Why am I sitting here?

Why am I still

sifting on this bench?

You know, it's

probably best if I rewind.

If I back up and explain.

Every relationship arrives

at a critical moment,

a juncture,

between moving forward

and moving on.

I call that moment the "so."

So...

Where is this going, then?

I think you're a... Like...

I think you're amazing.

I think you're

an amazing girl. I...

I think you're an amazing person.

No.

I'm breaking up with you.

I have to.

You're breaking up?

I'm sorry, Jason, I need

somebody who's ready.

I need somebody who doesn't drink

coffee out of a cereal bowl.

What?

And has a bed frame.

I wasn't confused

because she was

breaking up with me.

I'm so late for work.

I was confused because I had

no idea we were dating.

I'm not even close

to the guy you need.

The guy you deserve.

Like... I'm...

And I'm so sorry that

I can't be that guy.

In her defense,

we'd been having sex, like,

once a week for six weeks.

I'm so late for work.

But in my defense,

that's a hookup

approaching the seeing stage.

I'm sorry, Jason.

No. I understand.

I understand.

And what I understood was,

at that moment,

we were definitely not dating.

Dude, did you get my message?

Man, I left,

like, 10 minutes ago...

Come on, man. You're late. Look,

what have you been doing'?

What have I been doing?

Christy just broke up with me.

Oh, man.

Who's Christy?

Vera, you home?

Oh. I didn't know

we had company.

You're home early.

Yeah, I skipped the gym.

Oh, uh, this is my lawyer.

Oh, your lawyer.

Actually,

he's a very good lawyer.

Is everything okay?

So your wife said that she

was having intense sex?

Yes, intense.

I can't believe

she said, "intense."

That's what she said.

With a guy named Harold.

And while she said this, her

lawyer was just sitting there?

He looked like Morris Chestnut.

Who the f*** is Morris Chestnut?

From Boyz n the Hood.

Ricky?

Yeah.

Dude, I love Ricky.

Not anymore.

Who the f*** looks

like Morris Chestnut?

Yeah. That's not a strong look.

Her lawyer.

Her lawyer looks

like Morris Chestnut.

Okay, and he was just

sitting there on the couch?

Yeah, why was he just sitting

there on the couch?

'Cause she wants a divorce.

That's...

F***, man.

Are you kidding me?

I'm sorry.

And here's the kicker,

her lawyer,

the guy sitting there,

the guy that looks

like Morris Chestnut,

is the guy

she's having sex with.

Harold?

Harold!

F*** Harold.

Oh!

Oh, man.

Did...

Did he say anything?

He said he liked my shoes.

What?

He said what?

He said he liked my shoes.

Well...

He's not wrong.

They're cool shoes.

What the f***, man?

I don't deserve this.

I don't know what

we're going to do, man.

We need to get him a hooker.

We can't afford a hooker.

Yeah, we can use a coupon. Get

him a cheap hooker. It's Mikey.

No, we're not. Look. "East

Village girls for hire."

No.

Right there.

No.

Yeah.

According to this article,

most of the bars on the East

Side are filled with hookers.

You know what I love about you

is that you literally believe

every single thing that you read.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do.

It's like you're nine years old.

Ooh, no, no, no. They're

like young, cool hookers.

They dress like

hipsters and sh*t.

And I'm telling you

that I highly doubt

that that is the case.

Then why would

it be in a magazine?

I don't know.

Read it.

"She dresses like any

other pretty young thing,

"knee-high boots

strewn about the floor,

"and a drawer filled

to the hilt with condoms

"seemed the only indication

of her sideline occupation."

How awesome is that?

Hey guys. It's Fred.

Hey, Fred.

You know it's not

a phone. Right?

You're actually here, Fred.

We can see you.

Totally.

Oh!

So you're due to present

on the Silverman book.

So...

You guys are

prepared? Right?

We'll be in there.

That's a blank board.

That's a gold mine.

I mean, we gave you

stacks of examples.

You mean these. Right?

What you're seeing

there is exactly

what you're gonna

see everywhere else.

And we can deliver that.

But when we're talking about

The Unexpectable Princess...

Which is a great title.

It's a wonderful,

wonderful title.

But still, it's drowning

in a sea of boring pastel.

Uh-huh.

That's not what you want.

And that's not what you need.

I think I know what you need.

I think he does.

A book's cover

should hint at the stow.

But not give away too much.

This is about wish fulfillment.

Black and white.

Cool and spare.

Now, a recent study using MRIs

showed that women's brains

lit up like fireworks

when they were

showed pictures of...

A penis.

What?

No. No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Women's brains

lit up like fireworks

when they were

showed pictures of

shoes.

Shoes.

Shoes.

And nothing says wish fulfillment

like Christian Louboutin.

Ask any girl in the room.

I love it.

Dude, are you

taking a sh*t in there?

Absolutely not.

Every time you come over,

you take a sh*t in there.

I'm not taking a sh*t.

I'm using self-tanner.

Self-tanner?

Yeah. I told that

assistant at Vogue

I couldn't hang out

'cause I was in Toulon.

Trying to phase her

out of my roster.

Also, lam taking a sh*t.

Every time.

You did

the retrieve? Huh?

I just grabbed whatever I could.

Yo, Mikey! Were you

taking a sh*t in there'?

Yep.

Jesus! Every time.

We're going the f*** out.

Is that ice cream?

You bought ice cream, Mikey?

Come on.

Yeah.

It's peanut butter chocolate.

That's a great flavor.

Let me see it.

Hey. We're going out. No ice cream.

No. No.

You see, whiskey doesn't

mix well with ice cream.

- I need it.

- Oh, you need it?

Yes. You need it? What're

you, a fat teenage girl?

What're you, Bridget Jones?

Really?

Name calling'? Is that

what we're doing? Yeah.

Give me the ice cream.

No.

Give me the ice cream. I know that look.

Get away from me.

Give me the ice cream.

Backup, little man.

Give me the ice cream.

Get off, man.

Nobody gets ice cream!

That was awesome.

Did you throw it out the window?

We're going out.

I mean, I bet you thought you were

never going feel this again, man.

The excitement. The energy. You

don't get this in relationships.

I've been out of

the game so long

I forgot how much I miss this.

You were never in the game.

You were a married doctor.

Ah, whatever. Hey, do

you guys want a mint?

Yeah.

Here we go.

That's for you.

That's for you.

That's a weird mint, dude.

Yeah, I know.

It's Viagra.

You've got four hours to drink like

Keith Richards and still get hard.

Every good action movie

has a ticking clock. Right?

F***ing idiots.

Idiots.

I know!

I'm f***ing drunk right now.

Yeah, that's right.

I can't wait to get drunk.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.

Hey, come here.

Yes, you can.

Yes, you can.

You just need to be like,

"Hey! I'm a

good-looking doctor."

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes