That Awkward Moment Page #2

No, it would work for me, Mikey.

Would it?

Yeah, it would.

That would totally work for me.

Hey! Chels!

Oh, my God! I love your shoes!

I've been looking for those.

Oh, thank you!

Wow! You are beautiful.

Oh, this is my friend,

Daniel. He's amazing.

But he's a virgin.

- Oh, there's always a catch.

- Mmm-hmm.

I'm just trying to get laid

before I graduate high school.

Hi, I'm Sophie.

I know you are.

I could use a break

Me need to go down, down,

down, down on life

I need you to

take all my shadows

Whiskey...

Yeah.

I love you. We're doing it...

I love you, too.

I could use a break

Me need to go down, down,

down, down on life

I've never met that guy before.

All my shadows

for a walk tonight... I

What's up, buddy?

How's it going?

Well,

I'm drinking alone in

a bar full of a**holes.

And all these girls, they seem

to like the a**holes more.

Dude, do you remember when for,

like, two years in college,

every single girl

that I liked liked you?

Rebecca Daniels...

Yeah. Rebecca Daniels.

She was hot.

She was.

She was all right.

Where's the Mikey that got her?

Because that guy

was f***ing awesome.

That girl's staring at you

at the end of the bar.

Should I look?

No, not yet.

Now.

No.

Now.

No.

Yeah, go ahead and look.

Night away?

Yeah. She was f***ing Harold.

There's always a Harold.

There's always a Harold.

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

When I was a kid, I used to open

all the windows in my bedroom

when it was freezing, and just

lay on top of the covers.

Why?

I wanted to understand what

it felt like to be homeless.

Do you understand that feeling?

Just needing to know?

Wow.

I know.

He f***ing looked

like Morris Chestnut.

Who looks like Morris Chestnut?

It is not a good look. Nobody

should look like Morris Chestnut.

Okay, who is Morris Chestnut?

Apparently, he's a great lawyer.

Well, I wrote my number on this.

Use it when you're ready.

Look, is this the part

where we go home?

'Cause I'm not

really in the mood.

You're sitting on my coat.

Hmm.

I am.

I'm sorry about that.

It's okay. Thanks.

Mmm-hmm.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey.

I'm gonna get a drink.

You want a drink?

Oh, no. I'm good.

Let me get you a drink.

What, a vodka soda?

No, no, no.

My man.

No.

Come on.

It's just a drink.

Oh, no. I'm good.

Thank you.

I need a drink, too.

I'll get you a drink.

Honestly, what if

I enjoy the drink?

What happens then?

I'd love to hear what

you think happens then.

I'll tell you what happens.

We go play beer pong

with your two roommates

until I end up back at

yours in Murray Hill?

Yeah, that's right.

How did you know that?

And then we'll have to listen to

your roommate have sex with Hilary

or Emily or whatever the girl's

name is until we fall asleep.

And then a year later, we're

still playing beer pong

in the same bars

with your friends.

Except now you feel pressure

to get married and have kids

'cause you think

that's what I want.

Then in the summers, drive up

to the Hamptons

to meet his parents,

wondering the whole ride if they're

going to think you're pretty enough.

Smart.

Wondering the whole ride,

if they're going to

think you're smart enough.

Because no one is. And then we

have to drink shitty chardonnay.

At a shitty garden party.

And have shitty conversations.

About shitty people.

With his shitty mother.

Who, let's face it, doesn't

think you're smart enough.

Pretty.

Who, let's face it, doesn't

think you're pretty enough.

Because no one is.

No one ever will be.

What was all that sh*t? Look,

I'm just talking about a drink.

Yeah, but it wasn't just

a drink, though, was it?

It was a marriage proposal.

Oh, marriage. No, I was...

Just a vodka soda.

F*** you guys. I'm...

Drink?

Yeah.

You're amazing.

Let's get out of here.

You like that?

You're sitting on my coat.

I have to use your bathroom.

F***. Pick up.

Pick up. Pick up

your phone!

Dude, I have a serious problem.

You got a problem. I got a problem.

I gotta take a leak right now.

And my boner looks like that

thing on The Price Is Right.

Bob Barker?

Yeah, my dick

looks like Bob Barker.

No, you a**hole, that thing

that stops the wheel.

What? I think I took

too much Viagra.

I just really

got to take a leak.

You have to just get horizontal.

Get horizontal'?

What the...

You need to be horizontal.

Me or the boner?

Both.

I can't. My boner is

perpendicular to my body.

Just try it, man.

This is the stupidest idea I've

ever heard of. What the...

This isn't... Whoa!

Wait, bro,

it's actually working.

Of course it is,

but, dude, listen to me.

I think the girl that I just

had sex with is a hooker.

What? That's awesome.

No! It's not awesome, man.

What if she makes me pay?

I don't have hooker money.

You definitely don't

have hooker money. Dude.

I don't know what to do,

man. You gotta help me.

Okay, well, you know what?

If she asks for cash,

you could pretend that

you're a hooker, too,

and maybe the rates

would balance out.

You are so f***ing useless.

Do you know that?

Is your dick touching the water?

F*** you.

Which one of you

divas uses self-tanner?

I do. Why?

Because I beat off

with it last night.

Why... Why didn't you

even read the bottle?

I was a little drunk.

What?

What?

- My sh*t is orange.

- Oh!

Oh, my God.Look at this!

Oh, no.

Who knew that could

even happen to you?

I didn't know you

could change colors.

Stop.

Your dick looks like a yam.

Your dick looks like a traffic cone.

Just stop.

Your dick looks like

a can of cheddar Pringles.

That's f***ed up.

You dick looks like

Spike Lee at a Knicks game.

If your dick was jumping over the

river, it would be the General Lee.

All right! All right! What happened

to you two idiots last night?

I freaked out and left. I

didn't know what to do.

It's her bread and butter. Ifs

how she keeps the lights on.

You basically robbed a hooker.

I didn't rob her.

Yes, you did. You

robbed this hooker, man.

You're like the opposite

of Robin Hood.

I didn't rob her. And

that's the thing. I mean,

everything else

about her was perfect.

I mean, she was smart.

She was funny.

She was the kind of

girl I would date.

If she didn't, you know, happen

to f*** random guys for money.

Yeah. That's

really the only thing

that's getting in the way

of that relationship.

F*** you GUYS-

Did you friend that girl yet, Mikey?

The glasses girl?

No. I mean, can you

even do that that fast?

Dude! You've gotta make her laugh.

Get a rapport going.

Yeah, man. Give me

your phone real quick.

Give him your phone. We live in

an extremely efficient world.

Somebody else could be

sealing the deal right now.

Listen, last night was amazing.

Okay? I had a great time.

You guys were awesome.

Thank you.

All right?

But I'm gonna call Vera.

We've got things

that we need to work on.

No. That's a bad move.

Come on.

You don't wanna do that.

Horrible move.

We had so much fun last night.

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