That Thing You Do! Page #5

on the right, there's a diner-

Boss Vic Koss. Who is he?

He's the main man around here.

Okay, you kids stick together.

I gotta go see a man about a dog.

Very funny. Breakfast on Horace?

- Uh, steak and eggs.

- Oh, wow. That's us.

- Oh, wow.

- Yeah.

[Clattering]

- Hey, excuse me?

- What?

- How many seats does this place hold?

- 2,203.

I gotta clean up every one of 'em.

Skitch! Hey.

How many people

you think this place holds?

Skitch?

I'm either gonna cry

or wet my pants.

[Clap Echoes]

Hey, Jackie Gleason played here.

[Lenny]

The Great One?

- Kingston Trio.

- Mm-hmm. Bunch of banjo pickers.

- Peggy Lee.

- Chubby, but I like that in a woman.

- Wow. Del Paxton.

- Who?

- Del Paxton.

- [Toilet Flushes]

Del Paxton? Where?

Gimme a pen.

I'm signin' my name right next to his.

Get in there, you little vixen.

'Scuse me. You pricks

are in the wrong dressing room.

Oh, yeah? And who

do you think you are, Boss Vic Koss?

[Chuckling]

Abby, why don't you talk to Peaches,

find out where these monkeys belong.

- Yes, Mr. Koss.

- You. Get up and put those shoes on.

Yeah. Those shoes.

Big cigar smoker, are ya?

Put those back where you got 'em.

Now!

George Mikan Jr.

What are you, 6 feet 100? Get away from me.

That way.

Light a match in there. My God.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

[Jimmy]

You and your idiotic mouth.

Boss Vic Koss is an a**hole.

Shh! You wanna get us kicked out?

He can't hear us.

We're in a friggin' bomb shelter!

[Chuckles] If the big one happens,

we're gonna be okay...

because we are a mile

beneath the crust of the Earth.

[Together]

Would you shut up!

So, how long

you been workin' with Mr. Koss?

Too long.

I hear he's a very important man.

He thinks so.

I'm, uh,

the drummer with the Oneders.

I'm the secretary with the a**hole.

[Footsteps Departing]

[Man]

Hello. Wait. Hold on. Just a second.

- [Faye] What?

- Just a second. Wait, wait, wait. Is that food?

- No.

- It isn't food?

I smell food, and there is no food

allowed in the theater.

There's no food. There are signs out there.

This is my theater.

Hey. She's with us.

She's with The Oneders. She's our lawyer.

All right.

All right, Mr. Big Shot. Whatever.

If she spills it,

it ain't her butt in the ringer.

- "Lawyer." [Chuckles]

- Mmm.

- Thank you.

- Oh, thank you.

- Hey, you know how many seats

there are in this theater?

- How many?

- 2,203.

- Wow.

- Yeah. I wish Tina could see this.

- Why can't she?

She's, uh, getting dental work done.

- She's gonna be too woozy to make the drive.

- Wow.

Are you nervous?

Uh, no. Mm-mmm.

- Playing such a big place?

- Mm-mmm.

Showbiz, Faye. You know?

When you're in a band...

you gotta learn to stare down

and say, uh, boo!

[Chuckling]

I'm just tagging along

and I'm nervous.

What do you mean, taggin' along?

You're one of us. You're a Oneder.

Why? 'Cause I carry the food?

Wonderful food carrier.

No, no, no. You-Lots of things.

You're on the record.

Your hand claps are very important to the song.

And you were present

at the very birth of a band.

- You named us.

- No, You named the band.

No, I said something

that made sense to no one but you.

You had, like, a cosmic force

bolt through you...

and that's what gave us an identity.

Wow. I never really

thought about it to that extent.

You are one Oneder, and we will be wandering

woefully without one woman such as you.

- Wow.

- There's my girlfriend and the food.

H-Hey!

[Radio Announcer]

WITI radio calendar reminder.

Boss Vic Koss,

the Three Rivers mattress king...

presents a cavalcade

of rock and roll stars...

live and in person

at the majestic Orpheum Theater.

Two big shows with

The Vicksburgs, Elizabeth Anne...

The Hollyhocks

and many, many others.

From the man who gives you

the $21 blackjack sleep set special...

all you have to do is say,

"Hit me, Boss Vic Koss. '"

Vicksburg and the Pittsburgh.

Vicksburgs and Pittsburghs.

Abby, the rub. Give me the rub.

Ba ba ba ba ba ba

mum mum ba ba.

Um mum mum ba ba.

Ba ba.

Ladies.

How're my boys?

Ready to show Pittsburgh

no mercy.

Hello, Pittsburgh!

Hello, Pittsburgh, hello.

- Boss Vic Koss.

- Boss Vic Koss.

Who am I?

- Boss Vic Koss.

- Boss Vic Koss.

Thanks for remembering,

Pittsburgh.

We got a great show

for you today.

A big show,

a king-size show!

Which reminds me,

how're you sleeping?

[Laughter And Applause]

Who's gonna hit me?

Hit me!

Hit me!

You gonna hit me?

- Hit me!

- Hit me!

Who's gonna hit me?

- Hit me!

- Hit me!

All right! Let's go!

We got Jon D

and The Walkers.

We got The Hollyhocks.

We got The Vicksburgs

in Pittsburgh.

But first it's time to fix that solid

not broken heart

if we're gonna shake, bake,

and make

with Lake Erie's own...

The O-neders.

Fire one up. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Thank you.

Hey, hey!

The mike's not on.

We-The mike's

not working.

The mike's not working.

All right. Who am I not paying

back here? Come on.

Man:
Let's hear it.

Come on!

[Blows]

[Feedback]

Man:
Come on!

[Feedback]

[Audience Groans And Complains]

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

We're The Oneders.

- [Audience Cheering]

- The Oneders? You know they're The Oneders?

It said The "O-Need-ers."

I said The "O-Need-ers."

Two-

[Crowd Laughs]

Forget it.

Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go.

Right now!

[Drums Play]

Look, Guy,

I keep telling ya.

You are the drummer.

You're the backbone,

the timekeeper.

You can't let a tepid reaction

from one matinee house

affect your dedication

to the band.

I was playing like one of those

wind-up monkey toys.

They booed us

off the stage.

Jimmy couldn't even hear

how off-key he was.

You're gonna get it all back tonight,

I promise you.

You know what you need?

You need to sample

the exotic cuisine of the Far East.

What do you say?

Come on. I'm buying.

Well, son of a gun.

We're right on time.

Here's somebody

I want you to meet.

Mr. White...

this is Guy Patterson.

Hi.

- Sit down.

- How are you?

Mr. White is with

Play-Tone records.

He just happened to be

in town this week,

and he caught the show

this afternoon.

Oh, great.

Nevertheless,

I think he wants to talk

business with you.

Well, I have heard

your record, Guy, and I like it.

I like it a lot.

That Thing You Do,

you know, it's snappy.

Yeah, snappy.

It's a hit record.

We'd like to release it.

And add The One-ders...

to the Play-Tone stable

of artists.

Just like that.

Well, some papers

will have to be signed,

and you'll have to get me

the master recording tapes,

and you will have to say

good-bye to Phil here.

Wait. No.

Phil's our manager.

Not anymore.

My bird-dogging is done.

Play-Tone's gonna take

real good care of you.

Uh, what if we don't

wanna be with Play-Tone?

I don't know, no offense.

None taken.

You want to stay

in Pittsburgh

and play to the

Three Rivers crowd,

Phil here

is your man.

No, no.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

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