The 4 Musketeers

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Filmocom

The Russian Federal Agency for Culture and Film

Supported by the Hubert Bals Foundation,

Rotterdam Film Festival

Yelena Yatsura

presents

See, those 18 tons

there are even since '65.

I don't care if they're from '41!

Well! Where is he? It's past two.

- Valya, stop f***in' around.

- Nosirev! Nosirev!

The chunks are you know...

I boiled them a bit.

It's the right smell - absolutely.

Tomorrow at nine - all of it.

You take care of loading.

- What about those 18? Ha?

- Not now.

What about the Kantemir meat?

It's minus 28 there.

Don't work with ground meat.

Told you 100 times.

It's minus 28 down there,

everything'll be fine,

- All packaged back in '92.

- I don't work with ground meat.

Eight years old. Cutlet meat with powder.

In tin cans.

- Plus, they deliver.

- I don't work with ground meat.

So he says, take six cans,

pour water, stick in a newspaper,

and put them inside. And the moisture

problem will be solved.

Shithead!

The curves will get all rusty.

Put varnish on the pegs.

And you'll get church bells instead of a piano.

The glass'll crack, eh?!

Hey what about that Blutner?

Semi-lousy. The basses are off.

Se-emi lo-ousy,

Sem-i-i l-o-usy.

- How much is it?

- One and a half thousand.

One-and-a-ha-a-lf.

He cra-zy or something?

May-y-be...

And whe-re's my tuning fork?

Who-the-fu-uck kno-ows?

He-ere it-is.

That's it, finished!

Bye.

- The metro is closed.

- We don't use the metro.

- What are you... already?

- Uh-uh.

Why?

It's nothing...

Nothing.

Where?

Where's the money?

In the vase.

Which one?

Which one?

The 'Gagarin' one.

- Marina...

- What?

- What's it with you?

- Nothing.

I'll tell Paravazik.

F*** off.

What will it be?

What goes down better at three in

the morning:
vodka or blood?

I drink beer at night.

So what do you want?

I'll start with vodka. Then we'll see.

- Absolut, Smirnov?

- Do you have Moscovskaya?

Of course.

- How much?

- 50 grams. And a tomato juice.

I'll have a beer. What do you have?

- Tuborg, Baltika.

- I'll have a Baltika.

What kind of bastard

would run over a dog at night!

Why?

What, why?

Well, it's more likely to happen at

night than during the day.

The city's empty! He didn't even look.

Idiot. People are a**holes...

So are dogs.

They throw themselves under cars.

- Themselves? 'Cos a dog's life is sh*t?

- Because man's is.

A dog's life is comfortable actually.

- What do you want to drink?

- White Russian.

- I'm out of cream.

- Ah, come on.

A dog gets hit, and the bar's out of cream.

- Anything else?

- What else?

You got any Curacao?

One half with vodka. Lots of ice.

It's not so simple with dogs.

A friend of mine hit two dogs.

And each time

something bad happened to him after...

His lover left him.

Then something with his teeth.

Then he hit a drunk on Profsoyuznaya.

Killed him.

Straightaway he got lucky with a flat.

Good European furniture too.

- For cheap?

- Very.

Dogs are closer to God.

Are you a believer?

No.

Haven't had Curacao in a while.

Wish everyone looked that way.

Everyone'd be gay then.

Nowadays they're bloody everywhere...

Have you tried Curacao with tequila?

- No, is it good?

- A killer.

- But I don't like it.

- Why'd you suggest it then?

- Women like it.

- Women are into tequila now.

Yeah?

Two women I know. One never drank.

Now soon as I turn up - she's there

with salt, cutting a lemon.

The other, drinks a bottle of tequila

a night with her husband.

Home alcoholism.

I can't stand tequila.

- It's made from cactus, yes?

- Yes.

Reminds me of aloe!

My grandma used to give it to me

for arthritis. Sh*t!

- Did it help?

- No.

Soon as February comes, the white glops...

White like cream?

Sweeter.

- Damn. I forgot my cigarettes.

- Let me see.

You got some?

Had them somewhere.

Not lights?

No.

Well, okay.

Sese.

What's 'sese'?

That's 'thank you'

- in Chinese.

You know Chinese?

Christ, no!

Why not?

- It'd blow my roof off.

- Smart Russians are learning it.

- Why?

- China - is the future.

- You think so?

- I'm sure.

You know the workforce in China?

- 600 million people.

- 600 million!

I don't believe it.

You know that for sure?

Absolutely.

What, you work in the Statistics Institute?

Worse than that.

- Where?

- The presidential administration.

And what - what'd you do there?

Well, what do you do in any administration?

Administrating.

Is it in the Kremlin?

Our department is on the Lubyanka.

In the KGB building.

Cool.

And what do you do there? Security?

We aren't responsible for security.

My department delivers mineral

water to the Kremlin.

It's time for a grappa. Barman!

- I hope you're not out of grappa?

- No.

And I'll have another beer.

What kind of water goes to the Kremlin?

Varies. From Evian to Borgomi.

What kind does the president drink?

The president drinks spring water.

From where?

From the source of the Volga. Tver region.

- What's there?

- That's where the Volga starts.

There's a well with a spring.

The great Russian river.

- Does the water taste good?

- Yes. The water's nice and soft.

- You deliver it yourself?

- Not personally. I'm the boss.

How often do you see the president?

About twice a month.

- Tell me, is he a drinker?

- Practically not.

A glass of French wine sometimes, you know.

'Chateau de Latour'.

And a glass of champagne at ceremonies.

- But his wife likes a drink.

- Really? What?

- Champagne.

- French?

Of course, not Russian!

- She really drinks a lot?

- Yes.

About two bottles of wine a day!

Not really a lot. Two bottles of wine!

If it was vodka!

A Russian woman should be able

to drink a litre of vodka.

Right! My friend can drink all on her own.

And afterwards go...

you know... out on the catwalk.

- Is she a model?

- Yes.

And you go out on the catwalk too?

No. I'm in a different business.

- Interesting, what kind?

- Advertising.

- What do you advertise?

- Different stuff.

Right now there's this Japanese device.

A home appliance?

No... it's this device...

- Can I have another cigarette?

- Sure.

This absolutely new device...

For...

For improving your health at work.

- Something like an air ionizer?

- Almost.

But an absolutely new generation.

You hook it up to the socket in the office,

in a few minutes it generates these waves,

and it works very nicely, right away.

People don't get tired, there's no aggravation,

I really didn't believe it at first.

Work is work though.

Before I advertised air conditioners,

now this device.

Then I took one to try myself,

and put it on at home.

- And how was it?

- It really helped.

Usually I get up - and everything's wrong,

I want to cuss everything.

You ride around all day,

work, sign stuff...

I was in a good mood!

The Japanese really do know how to make stuff.

What's it called?

In Japanese it's called 'Chao van.'

'Chao van?'

Yes. It's the name of a Japanese bird.

You know, the one they worship.

- A crane?

- No.

Different bird... there's a picture of it,

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