The American Astronaut

It is necessary...

a criteria...

or asteroids.

between Mars and Jupiter.

fragmented planetlsmals began In...

kllometers...

several hundred slzable boulders...

merry-go-round of primordlal debris...

formatlon.

regulariy charted and observed...

convenlent locatlon and avallablllty...

for a drinklng establlshment...

or bar If you wlll.

"The Ceres Crossroads".

frequented by roughnecks...

story began.

The story of how I became a father.

And oh yeah, it's my birthday.

Sh*t

Eddy speaklng.

Eddy, Samuei Curtis.|I just ianded...

It was great.

Can you dig me out and|set me up for fiight?

Sure. Dld you bring the cat?

Yeah. I got him. His name is|Monkey Puss.

I want to name hlm Oscar.

That wasn't so bad. Was it, Monkey?|Eddy, you got something for me, right??

Oh, yeah.

Okay. I'ii be in in a bit.

Okay. Good-bye.

Aii right, cat, iet's go.

I'm keeping that with me.|You seen Eddy?

Yes. He's right overthere by|the corner of the bar.

You mean the bartender?

Thanks.

Samuei Curtis.

I know. We watched you iand. Everybody|here got just the biggest...

charge out of it. I'm stiii buzzin'.|In fact, everybody's buzzin'.

You got something for me,|right?

You're not going to beiieve what|i got for you.

No one can come back here but me, so we|can keep Oscar here 'tiii they come and get him.

I thought he was for you.

Oh, no. I hate cats, but you sure saved|my butt bringing him here.

- You're staying, right?|- What is that?

You're staying forthe big dance,|aren't you?

Yeah, sure.

I don't get it.

It's a giri. It's a reai iive giri.

What am i supposed to do|with it?

I don't know.

Who's piaying at the dance|tonight?

Me.

I guess i'ii see you there. Mind if|i use your bathroom?

Sure. It's a reai toiiet so|be carefui.

Thanks, Eddy.

That's him.

Hey Boy-Hey Boy...

i got a message for you...

about a thing caiied iove and the|stars above. And a iittie white dove,

sends push turn to shove to|fist to cuffs.

Things reaiiy got rough.|But enough's enough.

Hey Boy-Hey Boy...

i heard it from a friend about you...

about your hatred when you're|iaying in your bed...

and your facing the tread with|your hatred fed...

from the things you said. And you|wish you were dead...

because you're separated from a thing|caiied iove. And the stars above.

And a iittie white dove sends push|turn to shove to fist to cuffs

Things reaiiy got rough.|But enough's enough

Hey Boy-Hey Boy...

i heard it from a friend about you...

that you're heart broken and your|anger's smoking.

And you iie there poking at a|iittie token...

of days gone by. You iet out a sigh.|Tears fiii your eyes.

And you start to cry. And say,|Oh God why.

And you wish you couid die.|And your eyes won't dry.

And time don't fiy on this|heiiish night.

Eyes wide open on this heiiish|ride

as you go switching from side to side|because you're fiiied with hatred...

when you're iying in your bed. And|your face turns red...

with your hatred fed from the things you|said. And you wish you were dead...

because you're separated from a thing|caiied iove. And the stars above...

and a iittie white dove sends push|turn to shove to fist to cuffs.

Things reaiiy got rough.|But enough's enough!

Hey Boy-Hey Boy...

i heard it from a friend about you...

Hey!

Hey! You son of a b*tch! Hey!

Hey!

Did you just see two guys come|out of that bathroom?

Here you go.

Hey, is it just me, or do my|baiis itch?

I think it's you.

Good. For a minute, i thought my|baiis itched.

Hey, it's a joke.

It's funny.

F*** it.

This what you're iooking for?

Larry Biueberry.

My name is Lawrence. It's never been|Larry. I don't iike that name.

I hear you're doing pretty good|these days.

I heard you were kiiied by|Professor Hess.

Yeah, weii. Apparentiy your|photographers have proven otherwise.

That's the Biueberry Pirate.

An interpianetary fruit thief and oid|dance partner of Samuei Curtis'.

Came here to pick up a cat named Oscar as|payment for some stoien fruit he'd deiivered.

Here's where they get reacquainted at the bar,|aii nice and friendiy, just iike that, see?

Oid friends, that's aii. This is where|the pirate

gives Curtis some pictures and oh so|gracefuiiy bestows upon him...

the perfect pian for an astronaut in|his position.

In return Samuei Curtis agrees to be|the Pirate's partner at...

the big dance contest because Curtis|didn't have a pian and...

the Pirate neverwon anything in his|whoie iife and those were...

The most beautifui trophies he'd ever|seen. Unquote.

Curtis' new mission is to return to Earth|with the body of a man named...

Johnny R.

Johnny R. Came from a very weaithy|famiiy.

A famiiy that's wiiiing to award a great|deai of weaith forthe return of his remains.

Right now his body is being preserved on|Venus, the pianet of beautifui women.

The pianet of women who can reproduce|without the use of men.

Unfortunateiy, if more than three generations|go by without introducing new biood...

the women become high-bred and even|too snippy forthemseives to stand.

So it's necessary forthem to keep a|man around as a stud.

The women of Venus adopt an adoiescent|maie from a weii-to-do famiiy...

ride him iike a wiid staiiion, treat him|iike a king...

and iove him untii the day he dies,|usuaiiy at a ripe oid age.

And then repiace him with another|adoiescent maie.

Johnny R. Had reached that ripe oid age|and the time had come to repiace him...

but the women of Venus won't part with his body|untii an adequate repiacement has been deiivered.

The perfect repiacement couid be found|on Jupiter.

Jupiter's a very weaithy mining pianet, where|infant maies are taken and soid to a man...

named Lee Viiensky.

They're raised as workers and grow up to be|strong men with no knowiedge of women.

Lee Viiensky owns Jupiter and years|before he had purchased a boy...

from Samuei Curtis known as...

The Boy who actuaiiy saw a|woman's breast.

Forthis brief experience the boy has|been treated as a treasure.

He's become the pianet's|figurehead.

He's used to boost the moraie of workers|by performing in great night raiiies...

where he quickiy and arrogantiy describes|what it is he had seen.

Overthe years, the boy had grown up to|be a strong and handsome young man...

and both the Biueberry Pirate and Samuei Curtis|know that the women of Venus wouid go nuts for him.

They aiso beiieve that Lee Viiensky|wouid part with the boy in trade for...

the reai iive giri.

He couid raise her, marry her, have sex|with her...

then describe the experience to his|workers in great detaii.

That wouid be an incredibie moraie|booster.

That wouid create a happier, more|productive work environment.

So i take the giri to Jupiter...

trade her forthe boy, bring the boy to|Venus...

trade him forJohnny R...

bring Johnny R. Back to earth and i|get rich.

That's it.

Where'd the giri come from?

Eddy cioned her from one of his|own ceiis.

That's one detaii best ieft unsaid.

Gentiemen, is it just me or do my baiis|itch?

So this guy waiks into a bar and he says|to the bartender...

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