The American Astronaut Page #2

"Can i use your phone?" The bartender says, "Sure".|So, he wipes his ass on it and the bart...

What?

Ah sh*t, i just toid you the punchiine.

I've been teiiing this joke so f***in'|iong, i knew i'd f*** it up.

Anyway. You want to hear something|reaiiy weird?

So there's this man and he iived his whoie iife|on Earth and his name was Mr. Stevenson.

When Mr. Stevenson was eight years|oid, he asked another iittie boy...

if he wouid iike a Hurts Donut. The other|boy said, "Yes."

So he hit him on the arm and he said,|"Hurts Donut?".

Five years iater Mr. Stevenson asked another|boy about his same age at that time...

if he wouid iike a Hurts Donut.

When the boy said, "Yes", Mr. Stevenson|stabbed him over and over again...

in his eye, in his cheek with a pencii...

saying, "Hurts Donut?"

Overthe years Mr. Stevenson did very|weii in schooi.

On graduation day he was sat next to|another young man, who...

iike Mr. Stevenson, had earned high marks.

When he asked the boy if he wouid iike|a Hurts Donut, the boy said...

"Not if you're going to stab me in the|eye with a pencii."

"I wouidn't even touch you," said Mr. Stevenson.

So when the boy agreed, he presented him with|a photograph of the young man's fianc...

at a bacheior party, on some guy's tabie,|f***ing herseif with a beer bottie.

As tears fiiied the young man's eyes,|Mr. Stevenson was heard to say...

"Hurts Donut."

A few years iater Mr. Stevenson got a job|as a saies cierk in an eiectronics store.

Within a year, he was caught steaiing|and immediateiy incarcerated.

When he asked his ceiimate if he wouid iike|a Hurts Donut, his ceiimate said "Yeah"

So he gave him a Hurts Donut.

Overthe years Mr. Stevenson grew too oid to|hospitai.

One day he asked the new nurse if she|wouid iike a Hurts Donut.

In anticipation of her response, Mr.|Stevenson began humming...

whiie making smacking noises with|his mouth.

When the nurse smiied and said, "i|know about you Mr. Stevenson,"

Mr. Stevenson biurted out something|totaiiy incoherent...

and began to iaugh.

I've never understood this joke.

But then i've never been to Earth.

Aii right. Aii right. Gentiemen, iet|the dance contest begin.

Love is a fiipping roiiing riddie.

Love is a smiiing when you the giggie|of those angeis.

Giggie when they know you're smiiing.

Love is rotting in an open fieid.

Love is smiiing at the happy way you feei...

when you know you're smiiing.

So how can you keep on smiiing...

when you see yourseif in the mirror|smiiing?

Just about to say the name of the giri|that makes you smiie.

Love is thinking of when you die.|When she hears your name mentioned...

she starts to cry.

She'ii remember you smiiing.

Love is iiving in a magic iand.|Love is thinking...

of the day she'ii hoid your|hand...

And you'ii both be smiiing.

So how can you keep on smiiing|when...

you see yourseif in the mirror smiiing?|Just about...

to say the name of the giri that|makes you cry.

Let's go.

What about your boys overthere?

They'ii be sitting this one out.

One, two, three, four.

What did he say about me?

What did he say about me?

Who are you?

You know, you are so square.

I guess that i am.

So what did he say about me?

I don't know what you're taiking|about.

You stand there with that trophy and you|teii me you don't know what i'm taiking about?

Excuse me.

You sit at the bar and you taik and you iaugh|and you teii me you don't know what i'm...

...taiking about, huh?|- Do not touch me.

Don't touch you? I can touch you.

I can touch you whenever i want.

Guess what?

It's my birthday.

Did he teii you it was my birthday?

Are you going to sing Happy|Birthday to me?

I want you to sing Happy Birthday|to me.

I said i want...

i got work to do.

This one's a keeper.

You ready, cat?

What dld your fatherteach you?

My fathertaught me to kiii the|sunfiower.

are now awake.

Two hours to Juplter.

Gentiemen, you have aii worked|very hard...

and among the iucky, you are the|chosen ones.

You have been sprinkied with iucky|stardust.

Yes, you have.

Fortoday you have been chosen to|reside in the court of the Great One.

Gentiemen, i give you...

"The Boy Who Actuaiiy Saw...

a Woman's Breast."

A, A, E, i.

A, E, i know. I know.,|A, E, i, O, U.

O, U sweet thing. Yes. A, E, A,|E, i.

A, E, i, O, U. I O U nothing. But|sometimes you owe me.

You owe me. You owe me i. E. A.|I. E. A.A.A.A.

I'm taiking to you when i say why do|the souis of my oid dead dogs...

stiii howi at the sirens, so caii the cops|and caii the fire trucks and caii the cops.

Caii the poiice.

There is something waiking round|inside my fieece.

I've thick, biack, stuff under my naiis.

And i think i kind of iike the way it smeiis.

There is food pressed against my gums.

In a week ortwo, we'ii see what it|becomes.

So i'ii shave and iook cute...

with the sweat from in my boot.

And i'ii sneeze the snot from my|snoot.

And i'ii wipe it on the sieeve of|my suit.

A. E. I. O. A. E. I. O. I. O. A.|E. I. O. A. E. Ooh!

It was round and soft.

Now go back to work.

Good job.

Airight.

Sam!

Hey. There he is. How you doing,|Buddy?

Fine.

What's the matterwith him?

You know how kids are. You seii them to a shitty|pianet and they think you're the bad guy.

Yeah, weii i'm here to make it up to|the iittie guy.

What do you mean?

I came here to take him.

No, no, no. That boy hoids the oniy|memory we got.

Mr. Viiensky, you give me back the boy and i'ii|give you the chance to create your own memories.

What the heii is that?

It's a reai iive giri. You take this.

You grow her in private. You|raise her.

You teach her. You marry her.

Aii for a kid whose brief, fieeting|encounter...

paies in comparison to the|experiences that await you.

Let's say that i was going to show|herto somebody right now...

my daughter orwife orwhateverthe|heii she is.

She iooks bad.

Why wouid you show herto|anybody?

What if i wanted to?

Hey kid, take a hike.

When we first saw it, we knew there|was just one thing to be done.

It was scientific.

And socioiogicai.

That's right. And a iot of fun.

We knew in this worid there|couid oniy be one...

The baby in the jarwith giasses|on and a gun.

Giasses on.

Gentiemen...

The Boy Who Saw A Woman's Breast|has ieft our pianet.

Aiiow me to expiain.

In this simpie biack case...

i hoid the dawning of a new day.

The dawning of a new era.

An ear of sexuaiiy expiicit...

conversation.

For here in my hand i hoid the case...

that contains...

a reai iive giri.

She shouid be raised in private.

She shaii be taught aii there is to|know of ourwork ethic.

And on a daiiy basis she wiii be|notified...

of the triumphs made by...

each and every one of your seifiess|efforts.

When she is fifteen and a haif she|wiii become my bride...

and your queen.

You wiii aii partake in fresh fruit...

brought here by the Biueberry|Pirate himseif.

And i wiii partake in fresh fruit...

and sexuai intercourse.

An act in which we are aii a|stranger...

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