The American Astronaut Page #3

but which upon my return...

i wiii describe to you in great detaii.

Hey, get out.

Where'd you get the trophy?

I won it at a dance.

On Ceres?

Yeah.

I wanted to go to that.

How come Viiensky didn't|take you?

Yeah, right.

How iong have they been making|you dress iike that?

The word is not "make",|it's "iet".

They iet me wearwhatever|i want.

I see.

Let's have a party. I think we'ii|have a party now.

Let's have a party.

It's great when you get started out.

We'ii throw our hands up and|shout "Party".

We'ii throw our heads back and say|"Party", "Party", "Party".

Oh won't you come and join our|party?

Let's have a party.

I think we'ii have a party now.

Let's have a party.

It's great when you get started out.

We'ii throw our hands up and|shout "Party".

We'ii throw our heads back and say|"Party", "Party", "Party".

Oh, wont you come and join our,|Oh, won't you come and join our...

Oh, won't you come and join our,|Oh, won't you come and join our...

Oh, won't you come and join our,|oh, won't you come and join our...

Another job weii done.

These are the same song books you|had five years ago.

Yeah.

You know any new songs?

Yeah, i know some new songs but|they're not very nice.

How about you?

Yeah, i know some okay songs.

Weii, iet's hearthem. It's going to be|a iong trip.

Teach me a song.

There's a...

Phone call. Phone call. Phone call.

Nice song.

Samuei Curtis, American Private|Sec. Nevada.

Guess who thls Is?

Professor Hess.

first try. Forthat you get a klss.

I'ii pass.

What? Do you thlnk I'd klss|you?

I would never klss you!

You said you were going to kiss me.

I never said i'd kiss you. I never said|that. You just want me to kiss you!

Not reaiiy.

Oh. I'm not good enough to kiss you?|Is that what you're saying?

What do you want Professor?

Guess what today Is?

I don't know. What?

Guess.

It's Friday, Saturday somewhere.|I don't know.

It's my birthday.

Oh well, Happy Blrthday.

Are you going to sing Happy|Birthday to me?

No.

Why not? Why aren't you going to|sing Happy Birthday to me?

I don't iike the song.

You are so square.

Did you caii me to insuit me,|Professor?

You're very important to me.

I want you to hear something.

Dld you hearthat?

No.

It was a cat purring.

was nobody left to take care of hlm.

wlth me, cause now he's happy.

And now It's tlme for hls treat.

Oh, he llkes that.

I've got to go, Professor.

Guess how old I am?

I don't know.

I'm nlnety-slx.

No you're not.

Yes I am! I'm nlnety-slx!

Why won't you beiieve i'm|ninety-six?

I guess you just look young.

that I'm youngerthan...

nlnety-slx, because I just am?

I'd say good-bye, Professor.

I have a plcture of you.

Guess what you're dolng?

I'm taking a sh*t.

I put It next to my Trophy and...

then i say, "Oow, there's a|stinky boy".

I got to go. Good-bye, Professor.

Weii, fine! Fine! But if you see any big pictures|of me don't teii anyone that you know me.

It's a deai.

No. No, you don't have to see any|big pictures of me...

wlth you...

And then we're golng to have|a birthday party.

I guess i'ii see you then.

A friend?

A question to which yes or no|wouid not quite suffice.

Does he caii a iot?

No.

He disappears for iong stretches of|time.

Then he finds me...

kiiis everyone i come in contact|with...

and tries to forgive me.

When he does that he's going to|kiii me.

Do you iike him?

Yeah.

He's iike famiiy.

And when he forgives you, he's|going to kiii you?

That's the kind of guy he is.

What kind of guy is he?

He's a Birthday Boy.

He kiiis without reason.

If he has no reason to kiii you,|then he can kiii you.

But if he has a reason to kiii you|then he's got a probiem.

And if he kiiis you without|resoiving that probiem, then...

you'd be dead and the probiem|wouid iive on forever unresoived.

That doesn't make any sense.

Yeah, it does.

What did you do that was so hard|to forgive?

Weii...

i'ii teii you.

Hey, i think i see a barn up ahead.

We'ii hide our spaceship in the|barn.

What if there's something in there?

How do?

Nice...

nice cabin in the sky you've|got here.

Weii, heii. Why don't you take off|your boots and fioat around?

Where you from?

We're Earth peopie.

Yeah. Where about?

Siiver State of Nevada. How|about yourseif?

Yeah, i'm from there, but i moved|around a iot.

What about the boy here?

Is he your son?

No, i'm just giving him a ride to|Venus.

Yeah? What happened? Their King die|or something?

Yeah.

Son of a b*tch.

How oid are you, kid?

Fifteen.

Son of a b*tch.

We got a iittie bastard about|your age.

How'd you iike to go kick his ass?

No, thank you.

What are you scared?

He's got candy bars and cigarettes|back there.

Now go kick the sh*t out of him.

Ah, it don't make no difference.

Littie f***ers' going to kiii us aii.

Who's the kid?

He ain't got no reai name. We caii|him Bodysuit.

Raised him so he couid go back to|earth to find out more about the chart.

But he ain't worth a sh*t!

You see, in the year 1902 we were|just a bunch of siiver miners.

Out there every day digging in the|dirt...

uneducated, and humping on each|other...

every chance we couid.

Heii, sometimes some of us good oie|boys'd even be humping on each other.

And it weren't iike we were be trying|to be fancy.

We just didn't know what the heii we|were iooking at. Did we John?

Yeah we did

Huh. So one day i dug up this rock|and it was a brand new coior.

Not a trace or hint or nothing...

of any other coior you ever seen.

It iooked iike, iike memories and,|weii, it was embarrassing.

And if you iooked at it...

aii the parts of your brain that just|sat there doing nothing...

wouid start right up and you knew|what they were there for.

So we iooked at it and it turned us|reai smart.

The next. Day we went into town and|read aii there was to read about the Chart.

Then we went out into the desert,|buiit us this big barn...

and sent it up here into space with|us in it.

Been here ever since.

Now the one thing we didn't reckon|on was space punies.

What are space punies?

Hey Jake. What are space|punies?

In a worid without gravity...

the muscies wiii become dormant|and whither.

Your spine wiii straighten and the|caicium...

in your arms and iegs wiii redistribute|itseif in your head.

Thank you, Jake. See oid Jake knows.

Hey Jake, what happens if you go|back to Earth with Space punies?

It kiiis you siickerthan snot.

That's right...

So now we got to get back there|cause every day...

they're making further discoveries|about the Chart.

In an attempt to further our|knowiedge...

Jake and Edna started humping on|each other...

And io and behoid, a chiid was born|among us.

Had we known he'd have grown up|to be such a heiiion...

we'd have kiiied him on that day.

Instead we raised him on coffee,|tobacco, candy bars...

kind of stuff our guts couidn't take.

We buiit him a suit of hydrauiics...

so his muscies wouid grow strong.

He was raised to stand up against|Earth's gravity...

as he set out to gain more knowiedge|on behaif of his kin...

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