The Animal

- our five-day forecast.

Next up, the tree girl from Elkerton.

After living in a tree for a year,...

...Rianna "Hummingbird" Holmes

comes down.

Unlike Julia Hill,

Holmes' forest was leveled...

... though she saved

a giant redwood tree.

How are you?

I wanna thank everyone who

sent food and letters of support.

And the mentally handicapped child

who sent me these poems.

She read my poems.

Thank you.

Dimples!

Come on in the house!

Morning, Mrs. De La Rosa.

Dimples got out again.

I let him out.

You have a good day now.

I am a warrior.

I am a warrior.

On your left!

Well, boys and girls...

...this is the most important room

in the station.

The police evidence room.

- It's where I work.

- Are you a policeman?

- It's where I work.

- Are you a policeman?

Evidence file clerks

work closely with real policemen.

So you're not a real policeman.

As soon as I pass the obstacle course,

I'll be a real policeman.

Yeah, okay, pal.

Evidence is arranged

by case number.

We're almost as tall as you.

This field trip sucks.

I might have candy somewhere.

- Look, everyone. Marijuana.

- You're not allowed to touch that.

That's police evidence.

Are you going to arrest us?

You're not a real cop.

Guys, that's really...

I got him!

Mange!

What is going on in here?

Let me see that.

Thanks, sarge.

Right there.

You're missing an " R."

Outstanding.

Now...

...who wants a ride

with a real police officer?

- Marvin, what happened to you?

- Kids.

How did kids

embarrass you like that?

I'm gonna do it this time, Dad.

I'll be a real policeman,

like you were.

I'll make you so proud of me.

I'm not gonna be a loser anymore.

Give me that!

- Stretch it!

- It won't go any further.

Back up. Let me try.

Come on, Marvin!

Maybe this year

you won't pee your pants.

Good one, sarge.

Don't worry.

Nobody else remembers.

Listen up.

You have four minutes to complete...

...the endurance portion

of your examination.

I have personally

designed this course...

...to simulate actual conditions

one might encounter...

...in the field.

Good luck.

Take a good look at that ass.

You'll follow it all day.

Ready! Set!

Go, Marvin, go! Go, Marvin, go!

Go, go, Marvin! You go!

Marvin, take her!

Kiss it!

Oh, okay.

How does this simulate the field?

Come on now, Marvin! You go!

Marvin, you okay?

At least you didn't pee your pants.

Maybe we should wait

until everyone leaves.

Pop quiz. Pop quiz.

Who's this?

That's four times in a row.

Refills?

Thank you.

You see that sh*t?

She poured my beer first.

- So?

- So?

It's because I'm black.

Maybe she's just being nice.

- Now we're getting to it.

- What?

What y'all call nice,

I call reverse racism.

Be overly nice to the black man.

Make up for his ancestors

being taken...

...crammed by the hundreds into

leaky boats like human tuna fish...

...and if they didn't die, they'd

go into show biz to make a living.

Now she's going to pour my beer first?

That won't make up for 400 years

of injustice. Not today.

I wish I was black.

I'd have my onion rings by now.

I got to go take a whizzer.

- Oh, jeez. I'm sorry.

- No, I'm-

I didn't know anybody was in here.

There's a line in the ladies' room...

Wait.

You're Rianna " Hummingbird" Holmes.

I think it's great what you did,

saving that tree.

Even though they leveled

all the other trees.

Glad to see you're doing your part.

I'm sorry. I'm wasting trees.

They should get one of those...

...blowjobby things.

I mean, hand jobbys.

I mean, hand blowers.

I wrote you a poem.

Working out and

a protein diet is not enough.

You need a high-potency,

high-mineral, mega-amino...

...bodybuilding supplement.

Nothing legally will give you that,

except Badger Milk.

A badger can lift 20 times its

body weight. Can you do that?

Our potent supplement is made up

of 25% real badger milk.

If you call now, you'll get...

... two cartons of Badger Milk

for the price of one.

Check out the pecs on Yolanda.

That is pure badger milk.

- Could you cover for me a minute?

- No problem.

Everyone else is down

at the softball game.

There's a softball game today?

Freeze, puke! Put down that VCR!

Put it down!

Oh, you bought it, did you?

Oh, you have a receipt, do you?

My mistake.

I'm new on the force.

- Police department.

- Tam's Restaurant. I'm being robbed.

That's terrible.

I go there all the time.

- You have the best orange bean cake.

- Thank you.

- The chili peppers give it a kick.

- They're shooting at me!

Hold on. I'll get some help.

Officers needed.

I got a 2-11 robbery in progress.

Outstanding.

Officers needed. Hello!

Can you sit tight

till I reach somebody?

Got a 2-11 in progress.

I'm in pursuit. Hello?

2-11 in progress.

That wasn't so bad.

- Thanks.

- Not at all.

Dimples, you okay?

The Badger Milk girl.

She seems nice.

Now, that's good badger milk.

- Fatty.

- I gotta go.

Where the hell have you been?

Last night I got a call.

2-11. Robbery in progress,

Tam's Restaurant.

It was over a week ago.

You've been missing for 8 days.

- What?

- I covered for you.

I said you're an unreliable drunk

who disappears for days.

So I think you're okay.

- Thanks a lot.

- Are you all right?

Do you want a doctor?

No, l...

I feel great.

On your left.

Sure, pass the old guy!

Big man!

How's it going?

What?

Eat sh*t.

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Come on, boy! Come on!

Oh, easy...

...easy.

Slow down.

Show me how you do that.

I wish I knew.

- I'm Marvin.

- I'm Rianna.

I know.

I met you in the men's room.

Oh, yeah. The fart guy.

So, are all these dogs yours?

I volunteer at a pet shelter.

- That's great.

- Yeah, it's pretty cool.

I'm with different animals and...

...this time,

I have a roof over my head.

Something wrong?

No. Nothing's wrong. Why?

- Nice catch.

- Thank you.

Come by the shelter. You could

play Frisbee with the dogs.

I'd like that.

Bye.

I'm sorry.

I gotta talk to you.

You smoke?

I don't. It's illegal in airports.

I want to show you

how bad it's gotten. Watch.

See? Nobody says anything

because I'm black.

Bend the rules for the black guy.

Let him smoke because he's black.

Because old blues musicians

never got royalties...

...and played one-night gigs

to pay for whores...

...now I can smoke

anywhere I want to.

Something weird happened to me.

Something weird happened to me too.

I'm supervisor.

- That's great.

- Is it? I've been here 16 days.

That Filipino's been here 5 years.

- Know why I'm supervisor?

- Because you're black?

No. Because that b*tch is dumb.

Excuse me, sir.

I'm in a hurry.

Not until I check you with my wand.

Arms out.

I ordered the stuff

and I think it's working.

Physically, there's-

That's odd.

You smell that?

- It's this way.

- What is?

Trust me.

I know what I'm doing.

What, are you crazy?

Let go of my leg.

Get off me!

He's got drugs. Check him.

What are you saying?

This guy's clean.

- You see?

- You can go.

No, wait.

I hope he's on our flight.

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