The Animal Page #2

I don't know whose that is.

It's pure heroin.

You're good. What's your name?

Mange.

Marvin Mange.

You'll be hearing from us.

Chief Wilson,

what happened at the airport?

The drugs were found

by the newest member on our force:

Marvin Mange.

Here to take you through the arrest

is Sergeant Doug Sisk.

Thank you, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...the suspect flew in from Columbia-

I have a question for Officer Mange.

Can you smell things

in people's butts?

I guess so.

And things not in people's butts?

Like things in people's

pants pockets or wallets?

Officer Mange.

I'm from the Free Press.

What's up my butt?

Sir, I'd rather not.

Come on.

What's up there?

Car keys.

- He's good.

- Over here!

- No more questions.

- What about me?

Over here, Officer Mange, please.

Excuse me.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

I don't wanna guess

what's up your butt.

No, it's not that.

You see, I released you...

...to see if you could function

normally in society...

...but now you attract attention.

I just can't take the chance.

- What do you mean?

- I found you.

I put you back together.

Don't you remember the animals?

No!

How do you explain

your sense of smell...

...your ability to run fast,

or jump 10 feet in the air?

It's the badger milk.

I ordered it from TV.

I need you to come with me.

You're crazy.

I'm not going anywhere with you.

Sorry about the dart.

You'll find everything you need here.

Water, food...

...a place to work out.

Where am l?

You were born here. Sort of.

When I found you,

you were nearly dead...

...and the only way to save you

was my procedure:

- Radical trans-species-ectomy.

- What's that mean?

I put animal parts in you.

You put wild animals inside me?

I wish.

I don't have that kind of money.

The animals I used...

...were abandoned by a circus or

from the private zoo of a pop star.

There's Mr. Giggles.

He really misses the pop star.

I'm not allowed to say who.

Your life is here with me now.

Look, doc...

...l appreciate you saving me.

Thank you. I think.

But what you did with the animals

is working for me.

I'll just go on with my life.

Your human side may not

be able to control it.

I have to go.

I have to try it.

I'm sorry.

I can't allow that.

Mange!

Sit.

Listen up, sh*t stains.

I don't know how you worked

that trick out of the guy's ass.

I don't.

But I'm watching you.

The fact of the matter is,

you're not a full-fledged cop yet.

You're not. Okay?

And until you pass your 30-day

probation, you belong to me.

I'll throw you out so quick,

your head will spin.

All the best.

Don't be ashamed, son.

I've eaten out of the garbage before.

Yeah.

This baby's nailed down tight.

Not going anywhere.

One minute, okay?

I'll be back.

He was trying to get out.

You'll want to get

a cover for this.

Yeah, maybe. Come on back.

I'll show you the animals.

This is Molly.

She's a young turkey vulture.

Hey, baby.

Her parents were killed by a hunter,

and it's hard to get her to eat.

I'm worried she won't make it.

She just misses her mom, that's all.

She doesn't eat whole worms.

That was really amazing.

So? What do you think?

It's all right. He's nice.

There are a lot of animals in here.

Yeah, I know.

It's a little crowded.

I don't have the heart

to turn any away.

But it's cool.

We're like one big happy family.

This is Henry, the orangutan.

He's very affectionate.

He really likes people,

but not other monkeys.

We have a lot of exotic birds.

Macaws and...

...my friend Cosmo's a parrot.

You are a good boy.

Parrots are one of the smartest

animals.

- Really?

- You want food?

They have the intelligence

of a 5-year-old child.

A 5-year-old?

People think parrots just mimic...

...but they have thoughts

of their own.

Some have a vocabulary

of up to 200 words.

Cosmo has about 150 words.

That's incredible.

I didn't know any of that.

Hi, there.

I get along better

with animals than people.

Animals are simple, honest.

Know what I mean?

I guess I like people better.

With animals,

I feel like I'm one of them.

Easy, boy.

Do you ever feel that way?

It's crazy.

Crazy.

Calm down. What's the matter

with you guys?

Let me ask a serious question.

Do you ever have trouble with

control?

Yes.

First you have to admit

there's a problem.

You have to say,

" I am a porn addict."

Not that kind of control.

I've been having these...

- ...animal urges.

- Me too.

I got a video on the mating

rituals of the hippo.

He was trying to take my meat.

Hey, doc. Dr. Wilder.

Hey, doc!

There you go.

Tummy's all gone now.

How's my boy?

I knew you'd come home.

I'm not coming home.

Stop it!

You're not helping.

- Sorry.

- Look, doc...

...this control thing's

a lot harder than I thought.

Hold on.

This might help.

Here. Here.

I woke up in a butcher shop.

I have no idea how I got there.

Oh, I see.

The other day, I ate out of

a garbage can.

I bit someone, and then...

...l made love to a mailbox.

Your subconscious

is reverting to a primal state.

That's why I wanted you to stay here.

I was so sad when you left.

I thought we could be buddies.

I even gave you a name.

Snowball.

I already have a name.

Oh, Snowball already has a name.

Who's a good boy, then?

I'm a good boy.

I'm a-

This is serious!

I'm turning into an animal here!

All right.

Four turkeys, a dozen lamb shanks,

two salmon, my pet rabbit...

Oh, Charlie. One ham hock.

You see?

You didn't want the biscuit

because you satisfied your hunger.

Now that I have

your attention, listen.

You must anticipate your instincts...

...satisfy your animal urges

before they take over.

Hunger is your biggest challenge.

There's also your sex drive.

If you like,

I could help you with that.

That's all right.

I'm good.

Okay. No.

I gotta go.

There are a few things

bothering me here.

I don't know how you got to the

butcher shop break-in...

...but let me guarantee you this.

You better not try to show me up

with any of your super-cop bullshit.

Not at all, sir.

You got one week of probation left.

And I'm gonna be all over you.

Say hello to your new partner.

What's all that sh*t?

Supplies.

I want to be prepared for anything.

Of course you do.

Hey, pigs.

Get the hell out of here.

It's our neighbourhood.

You're just a regular badass.

- When did you notice it was missing?

- This morning, about 5:30.

I parked the tractor right here.

Now it's gone.

- Is that your goat?

- Yeah, that's Nellie.

- She's in heat, huh?

- Yeah.

That's why I got her separated from

the other animals. They can't resist.

Makes sense.

- Makes a lot of sense.

- Mange, shut up.

- These tracks are still fresh?

- They are.

Where were your farm hands

during the crime?

I'm gonna check out

something over here.

How's it going?

My name's Marvin.

You got it going on.

Have you noticed anything

abnormal in the area?

All right now, Marvin.

Control, Marvin.

Control.

Oh, sweetie. Yes.

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