The Art of the Steal

1

[ACCORDION PLAYS UP-TEMPO TUNE]

[LOW-TEMPO BEAT]

[MAN] Seasoned crooks swear you only remember

two days about your stretch in jail:

The day you get in...

[PRISONERS SHOUTING]

- Oh, boy.

- ...and the day you get out.

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

But I'll tell you, those guys,

they never been

to a Polish prison.

'Cause, buddy, you don't forget

a second of your stay

in the Warsaw penal system.

Oh, boy.

And you never stop thinking about

what you done that got you there,

and what you're going to

do when you get out.

And who you're going

to do it to.

I reckon it takes

a betrayal before you realize

the real currency in the world

ain't money... it's trust.

Hey. So, guess

I'm topsies, huh?

[MAN GRUNTS, MUMBLES]

'Cause if you got no trust...

Oh, boy.

...then what do you got?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[MALE CHOIR, SINGING IN POLISH]

Now, there's no such thing

as one last big job,

but Poland was pretty close.

We were doing a smooth switch

using a standard base

to our scam.

The first thing you

need is a mark.

Stash Bartkowiak was just like

all the others:

Rich, corrupt and most

definitely dangerous.

So Stash picks up a stolen Gauguin

ripped from an Oslo gallery

by a couple of smash

and grabbers.

So, of course, he wants to

get the painting authenticated.

But what he didn't know,

was the man he turned to

was Nicky Calhoun.

And Nicky Calhoun

is my half-brother.

A crew needs an idea man

and ours was Nicky.

Paddy McCarthy,

he was our Rolodex,

the guy who knows

any guy you need to know.

And Guy De Cornet

was our forger.

Best scratcher I've ever known.

Now there was a time,

if you ask anyone in our game,

who the best damn wheelman

around was,

and I'm guaranteeing you, you're going

to hear the name Crunch Calhoun.

And that's got nothing to do

with how fast I drive

and everything to do

with trust.

'Cause without that

you've got anarchy.

I like that jacket.

Well, clothes tell

you a lot about the man.

That's why it's a saying.

I don't know, Nicky.

Take Guy there.

The only thing his fancy white

leotard tells me is that

- he ain't circumcised.

- [LAUGHING]

- You misunderstand fashion.

- Fatsoes. Look at you.

- Fatsoes? [LAUGHING] -

[GUY] Women go crazy for this...

Boys! There it is!

[GUY] I'll see you

at the lab, Crunch.

[CAR ENGINE STARTS]

Don't touch the art, lad.

All alarmed.

Wow! Love the track suits.

Fellas, I'd like you to meet

Professor O'Connor.

Doc, these are the fellas.

As I said, Dr. "O" here,

is real discreet.

Very discreet, gentlemen.

Oh. Paul Gauguin.

"Tahitian Beach," 1893.

Painting is stolen.

But is real?

We'll see.

Needs a density scan.

What is density scan?

I'm not so sure myself,

but doctor knows best.

[BEEPING]

[NICKY] OK, great. So a guy

walks into a bar with a monkey.

Oh. What is this?

What?

- No, no, no, no, no.

- What?

- More red. More red.

- No, no, no, no, no.

Don't do this, Guy, please.

You're killing me.

They're identical.

Just swap the frames!

My work... [SPEAKS FRENCH]

Oh f***, Guy! Come on,

they're identical!

- Just change them!

- My work must be perfect-o!

You've got five minutes.

[NICKY] So I say,

"I'm looking for Mario."

And this kid says, "There's

a thousand Marios in Naples."

I say, "Yeah,

but this one's a criminal."

And he goes, "Two thousand!"

[LAUGHS]

[CRUNCH] Guy. Guy.

Guy! They will f***in' kill

Nicky and Paddy

if I don't make it

back there in time!

Guy, you got ten seconds.

That's it. Ten!

Nine, eight, seven, six, five.

Put it in.

- Three, two, one. Now!

- Au revoir.

- [LAUGHING]

- Ah, f***!

[SIRENS]

Bastard!

So naturally I tell the Turkish prostitute,

"I'll take two."

[SCREAMS]

[SPEAKING POLISH]

So are any of you guys

Ukrainian?

No? OK then.

Ah, f***!

[STASH SPEAKING POLISH]

She's a genuine Gauguin, boys.

Priceless.

I don't believe this.

There's millions of dollars of

paintings and we're doing nothing.

- Leave it, lad.

- [NICKY] This is Poland!

We can do whatever

the f*** we want.

Nicky, boy, the Gauguin's worth more than

five rooms of paintings in this place

and they're all alarmed.

Are you kidding me?

There's no alarms.

[ALARM]

There's alarms.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[MAN SPEAKING POLISH]

[SPEAKING POLISH]

Boys, let's all split up!

Train to Berlin. Ten AM.

Bright and early like!

[SQUEALING TIRES]

[NICKY] Sh*t!

Go! Here. What are you...

what are you...?! Wrong way!

[CRASHING]

[CRUNCH] That crash

was a stroke of luck.

And the cops showed up before

Stash could kill him.

Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]

Did I tell you the one

about the, uh,

three prostitutes

and the bruised melon?

[GRUNTING]

We only want painting back.

One painting, one arrest.

It could be you or someone else.

You have record in Europe,

so that's 20 years sentence.

We make deal, huh?

The painting and a fall guy.

[CRUNCH] For Nicky, I figure

it was just basic math.

He's facing 20 years

and I got a clean sheet.

I can't blame him for that.

But I can hate him for it.

[PRISONERS CHATTERING]

Oh, boy.

[VOICES FADE]

[LOW-TEMPO MUSIC]

[CRUNCH] So I went home.

And I couldn't go back

to the life.

The trust was gone.

Crew was gone.

And everybody went

their separate ways.

And I met a girl.

Someone I could bank on.

And even if I couldn't, buddy,

I'll tell you,

she wasn't the worst person

I shared a bunk with lately.

But I could bank on Francie.

Francie was a young buck I caught

pinching hubcaps off my truck.

Most folks probably would have called

the cops, but I gave him a job.

'Cause every now and then, you

got to take a leap of faith.

Hey, Crunch. Lace 'em up.

The only way we're gonna get the crowd

tomorrow is if you take a dive today.

Nope, not gonna happen,

not again.

It pains me to say it, Crunch,

but the only reason

why these folks are here

is in the hope that

you crack your skull open.

You have to crash your bike.

That's what you do.

[man on P.A.) A 188 stitches,

26 broken bones.

Twelve totaled bikes.

Three comas.

Twice pronounced legally dead.

- I'll give you $700.

- The one, the only, Crunch Calhoun!

Let me say this out loud,

'cause I can't believe

my own ears.

You expect me to deliberately

take a dive, risk my life,

for 700 bucks?

- [rock music plays]

- [crowd cheering]

- Twelve.

- Seven.

- Eleven.

- Six.

- Eight.

- Deal.

Call the ambulance.

Fire

The righteous won't sink

if they're on fire

[man on P.A.]

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's give old Crunch

a moment of silence

as he prepares to go down, down,

down into the ring of fire!

How'd she do? Tell

me at least a thousand.

No, $800. So just

don't do it, Crunch.

I'll pay you $800

not to spill 'er.

If you got $800,

I'm payin' you too much.

- Just don't do it, bud.

- [GROANS]

I'll be all right,

Francie. Besides,

"Fortune favors the bold."

Who said that one?

- Virgil.

- Right.

[ RICHARD WAGNER:

"RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES"]

[REVS ENGINE, TIRES SQUEAL]

[ ROY ORBISON:
"IN DREAMS"]

A candy-colored clown

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