The Bachelor

oh, give me land, lots of land

under starry skies above

Don't fence me in

Let me ride through

the wide open country that I love

Don't fence me in

Let me be by myself

in the evening breeze

Listen to the murmur

of the cottonwood trees

Send me off forever

But I ask you, please

Don't fence me in

Don't fence me in

Just turn me loose

Let me straddle my own saddle

Underneath the Western skies

on my cayuse

let me wander over yonder

Till I see the mountains rise

I want to ride to the ridge

where the West commences

Gaze at the moon

until I lose my senses

In his heart, every man

is a wild, untamed mustang.

Now, that may sound pretty stupid.

It may even be pretty stupid.

But it's true...

more or less.

I mean, in Africa men

are probably leopards or rhinos.

In India, I'm sure

they're Bengal tigers.

Here we go.

one, two... What's next?

And even here in America

not all men go for mustangs.

Jimmie, we gotta talk.

My friend Marco...

he's a wolf.

He says the symbol of manhood

shouldn't be a vegetarian.

Listen to what Rita

said to me last night.

"In the future,

let's avoid Thai food".

What, too much lemongrass?

No, she said "future".

Everybody I know says "future".

Sanzel, you say "future"?

Future.

- Hodgman? Bolt? Stone? "Future"?

- Future.

- There you go.

- They're not women!

So, mustangs.

Mustanghood.

It's a feeling

of complete freedom.

You're young, you're strong,

you have no one to answer to.

Nothing to do

but run the open plain.

And your whole life is centered

on one primal force...

the endless quest for...

Let's stick with the analogy.

Call it "sweet grasses".

A mustang is driven to get

as much grass as possible...

and a variety.

Tall grasses, shorter grasses...

dark grass, blond grass.

You spend your days in a constant search

for that next succulent patch.

It's a beautiful life.

Don't fence me in

That's how women start... dropping words

like "future" into casual conversation.

Next thing,

you're drunk at a PTA meeting.

Wait till you're in love and your balls

are in a vise. Then you'll see.

Future.

What do you mean, we're not compatible?

You don't like me anymore?

of course I do.

I more than like you.

- But...

- Wow. That's great.

So we'll just keep dating.

- Waitress.

- In a second.

- So I broke up with him.

- What?

Jimmie, can you think of

one good reason not to see me?

- "I'm sorry, but it's over.

- Well...

- I have work commitments up the wazoo...

- I have work commitments up the wazoo.

and, well,

I'm raising my standards".

Then just stop working.

Wasting your time.

That makes no sense.

- Have you seen what's out there?

- This is great lettuce.

Anne, by the year 2010

women will outnumber men four to one.

I don't wanna waste your time.

- It's not your fault that...

- Completely self-centered.

you're self-centered.

Well, I'm so sorry I took you away

from your stupid pool tables.

Just don't meet and break up with a guy

before I get home, okay?

- See ya.

- Bye.

I enjoyed...

I'm sorry.

Did you say something to me?

I said, I enjoyed

having lunch with you.

We should do it again sometime.

The minute I met Anne,

we sparked...

in a way that was

completely new to me.

She was as relaxed

and independent as I was.

I mean, we had the perfect

laid-back relationship.

And before we knew it,

we'd been together for a year.

Actually, we both forgot,

so we celebrated a week later.

That's how easy everything was.

My friends,

well, they were less fortunate.

okay, hold on a second.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it is time for...

the bouquet toss.

- If I could get all the single ladies...

- Let's get out of here.

No, I wanna see this.

All the single women?

Marco?

Could be your lucky day, buddy.

In high school

maybe you read The Lottery.

That's the story about this small town

that draws lots every year...

and whoever gets chosen

becomes a human sacrifice.

That's the bouquet toss.

oh, f***.

The lottery for weddings.

Sanzel never had a chance.

It became a terrifying cycle.

Each wedding meant a bouquet.

Each bouquet was like an airborne spore

bearing the seeds of the next wedding.

one future led to another.

our numbers dwindled.

And dwindled.

But Anne, she was as beautiful

and as carefree as ever.

- It's terrifying!

- No, this is fun!

- I love this!

- I love it when you act brave.

Come here, you.

So cute.

Turns me on.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Just something to keep in mind

for the future.

That's right.

The "F" word.

So here we are.

What good did all that talk

of mustangs do me?

Me and my wife!

You think I don't know

where that thing's heading?

May I have all the ladies in the house

on this side of the room.

We're about to toss the bouquet.

Today's human sacrifice

is yours truly.

Future.

I've outlasted the rest of them,

and I'm kinda proud of that.

Easy, boy.

Nothing to fear.

My mustang days were about

to become a distant memory.

So long, sweet grasses.

About damn time.

You kept me waiting a long time

for this, Jimmie. You know that?

As my last surviving descendant...

you have a sacred duty...

to pass on my genetic material.

That's a lovely sentiment.

For a time I thought

you was gonna fail me...

the way your father did.

I wouldn't say Dad failed you.

My only child, and what does he

leave me with? one miserable grandson.

'Cause he died

in a building collapse.

He always had excuses

for everything he did, didn't he?

Procreate!

Jimmie, have a look at this.

oh, yeah.

There we go.

That is your grandma's

engagement ring.

I only hope that your woman friend

has fat fingers.

Has she been examined...

by a qualified doctor?

Is she fertile?

We're both very healthy,

and I love her.

Love don't exist.

Here, take that.

There's only

the endocrine response.

And that...

only lasts five years, maximum...

according to the great scientists.

That's the reason

you should breed right now.

Steak?

What scientists?

Take that.

Read it.

As time goes on passing

and withers...

sex becomes rarer and rarer...

and rarer.

Finally, all you're left with

is this cold, chaste...

loveless shell called marriage...

and the incessant irritation

of fatherhood.

The bills keep mounting.

And if you don't believe me...

ask the next-door neighbor.

I tell you, Jimmie...

to sacrifice your happiness

for your descendants...

there's a term for that.

The human condition!

Stripes wins, I propose.

And solids?

I don't know.

Fake choking on a piece of steak.

For three weeks now

you been carrying that ring around...

staring at it, taking Anne

out to dinner, not proposing to her.

It's gotta end.

It's ten of.

Yeah, and the Starlight Room's

five minutes away.

The Starlight Room?

That's where you're taking Anne?

So?

Every human being on Earth knows there's

only one reason a single man under 50...

takes a woman

to the Starlight Room.

To pop the question.

Jimmie Shannon.

Just the man I'm looking for.

What do you say, Marco?

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