The Bachelor Page #2

A word in your ear.

Talked to your grandfather

this morning.

oden Sports sent my office

a formal offer to buy the company.

I know. We're cutting

into their market share.

They wanna buy us out, steal our

client list and then close us down.

Shannon Billiards

is not for sale.

How about we continue this conversation

over some eight ball?

Market's up

and I got dollars to shed.

Sorry, Sid, but we're going

through kind of a crisis.

Jimmie's supposed to propose,

and he's lost his nerve.

Anne's a catch.

Who needs nerve?

Let me guess.

The grizzly bear thing.

You know, the manly sense that

you're master of all you survey...

like a grizzly bear.

Mustang.

Wolf.

The question is,

do you want to be married?

- I love Anne.

- Never mind love.

Imagine two different cities...

Husbandtown and Bachelorville.

Which would you want to live in?

Any guy's gonna choose Bachelorville.

Right?

Most men come to want

the ball and chain.

Me, I was like you.

I love freedom.

Which is why my marriage

is a miserable failure.

Roy, dry up.

Listen...

marriage is the most

exquisite expression...

of the human spirit.

A good proposal

comes not only from love...

but from the desire

to be a husband.

Without that desire...

better wait till you're ready.

I wish I could, Sid...

but...

the thing is...

Anne and l

have officially reached...

that place.

You mean...

Sh*t or get off the pot.

You sure?

What are the factors?

Anne caught a bridal bouquet

last month.

Serious,

but hardly critical.

Tonight's the third anniversary

of our first date.

I got dinner reservations

at 8:
00.

Even so...

At the Starlight Room.

oh.

I don't even know how to propose.

Do I kneel?

What do I say?

Wait for the Dom Prignon to arrive

and the thing will take care of itself.

What Dom Prignon?

After the meal, when the waiter brings

the champagne, just mumble something.

It'll all be over with

just like that.

Just the rest of your life

to worry about!

Good knowing you!

Thanks, brother.

Your Dom Prignon, sir.

The first time

Ever I saw

Your face

I thought the earth

Moved in my hand

Well, I have...

kind of a special toast.

It's been three years

since our first date.

Time has really gone by fast.

Yep.

over the past few weeks

I've been doing some thinking.

Mainly thinking about...

the human condition.

A lot of life comes down to

making sacrifices...

and deciding which direction

is my life gonna go.

Your mouth

Could you please leave?

Thank you very much.

- You okay?

- Yeah.

A lot of life comes down to deciding,

what am I willing to sacrifice?

Because, obviously...

if you choose one path in life,

you can't choose the other.

That's kind of where

I found myself lately...

ever since we...

you and l, in our relationship...

have reached...

that place.

"That place".

The upshot is...

you win.

"You win"?

Was that a proposal?

Well, "you win" was just

the last part of it.

The whole thing was a proposal.

The "you win" had context.

Aren't you even gonna look at it?

First, can we retrace the mental steps

that led to "you win"?

Like when you say that you and l

have reached "that place". What place?

You know what I mean.

Sh*t or get off the pot?

Did you really just say

"sh*t or get off the pot"...

right here in the Starlight Room?

What is the big deal?

Why couldn't you have just said

"Fish or cut bait"?

We always say "sh*t or get off the pot".

Everybody does.

Not in the Starlight Room.

What is it

with the Starlight Room?

Magic, Jimmie!

Romance?

You know, the whole reason

you come up here to propose?

See the city lights, have a wonderful

meal, listen to beautiful music.

It casts this romantic spell.

But when you say

"sh*t or get off the pot"...

all that magic

just suddenly disappears...

and all you have left

is bowel trouble.

Well, I'm sorry.

I didn't think you'd get so upset

over a figure of speech.

It's not the words, Jimmie.

It's the whole approach.

God, it's as if you deliberately...

What?

You don't want to marry me,

do you?

I just proposed to you.

But the way you proposed,

you weren't asking me to marry you.

You were asking me to say "no".

Just put it on, all right?

Please?

You don't want to be married,

Jimmie.

And I don't want to be married

to a guy who doesn't want to be married.

Anne, come here.

You know that I love you.

It's just...

Can't we just leave things

the way they are?

Just for a while.

Hey, sis.

How was the Starlight Room?

What, he didn't ask?

oh, yeah, he asked.

Barely.

Anne, I'm confused. Shouldn't we be

phoning home and popping the champagne?

He botched it!

The worst proposal.

Really!

Maybe the worst proposal

of all time.

But you love the guy.

How bad could it be?

How's this for romantic?

"You win".

- You win what?

- Nothing.

Just "you win".

Like the last three years

have been a poker game...

and I was holding

whatever it is that you hold...

when you win.

"You win".

God, that's brutal.

Could you stop saying it,

please?

Stop it!

- Was he hammered?

- You'd think so. No.

Everything was perfect.

Really perfect.

You know, the music and the view.

Everything but his proposal.

Maybe he wrote down a beautiful speech

on a small piece of paper...

and lost it.

Natalie.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing,

and not just for me... for him too.

You know, all I wanted...

was for him to want to do it right,

and he didn't.

And that says everything.

You get it.

Do you know

that in the year 2020...

women are gonna outnumber men

four to one?

And you will only have

three childbearing years left.

Anne, talk to him.

Answer the phone.

Here, another dozen roses.

Gee, Jimmie,

like old times again, huh?

Not quite.

Look at you, savoring all of those

wild flings you had as a wolf.

- I'm not savoring.

- At least he's romantic.

When's the last time

you bought Rita flowers?

She's allergic.

Listen, instead of

sending a dozen a day...

just send her

a couple hundred thousand at once.

For all the good it'll do you.

Max, I have him to give me this sh*t.

From you, I'd just like the flowers.

okay.

I'm just telling you,

man to man...

what you said in the Starlight Room

was really bad.

- If you wanna make up with someone...

- Just one second.

Who told you?

What does it matter?

'Cause it's personal, and it's not

a story I want a lot of people knowing.

Who told you

about the Starlight Room?

What, the "sh*t or get off the pot"

proposal?

- I heard about it from my dentist.

- Excuse me?

My wife told me that story

last night.

- Son of a b*tch insulted Barry White.

- That was a woman singing, you idiot.

My analyst couldn't stop mentioning it.

It's a bunch of crap, if you ask me.

Who was there, you or me?

My best friend's

stepsister's cousin...

was the maitre 'd.

You should know, Jimmie.

Your proposal, it's become

an instant urban legend.

I'd hate to think what happens

if this gets back to my grandfather.

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