The Bachelor Page #3

Amen.

They said he had no pulse,

no brain waves, nothing.

Then he opened his eyes...

sat straight up

and called the doctor a scum-sucker.

After death?

Is that possible?

They said it was a reflex.

How you holding up?

That's funny.

He was a difficult guy. I don't

know anyone that actually liked him.

But he was the only family

I had left.

Jimmie, can I see you a second?

Well...

he's with God now.

Any chance you could come

to the office tomorrow morning?

- Yeah. Is anything wrong?

- No, not at all.

As you know, I'm executor

of your grandfather's will.

He videotaped it a few years back.

Very hush-hush.

Guess we oughta take a look.

I'll be there.

Human condi...

Can I have a minute, please?

Alone?

Thank you.

I'm sorry about your granddad.

These are beautiful.

okay. I just wanted

to tell you I was sorry.

Where are you going?

Gonna go...

water my apartment.

So, where does that leave us?

Let's just say

the door's not closed.

So it's open.

No.

It's ajar.

okay, so I'm at

this mystery door.

What if I push it open?

Can't be pushed.

How about if I knock?

If it's a nice knock,

I might answer.

You can close that door

behind you.

Before I read

my last will and testament...

I just want to make

one or two observations...

to them who whatsoever

should be listening.

I'm now old...

and one day you too

are gonna be old...

and you'll spend

half your time sleepin'...

and the other half eatin'.

That was delicious.

And then you'll die.

Ever the gentleman.

Don't shush me.

- Guys.

- l, James Shannon the first...

What the hell are you doin'?

Who told you to zoom in?

Back off!

oh, for Pete's sake.

I hereby bequeath

my entire estate...

- "Estate".

- to my grandson...

James Shannon the third.

That's a few thousand shares...

and quite a large stake...

in USDA cows.

Stake.

Yeah, well, that's...

No pun intended.

Thanks to the exemplary eating habits

of my fellow Americans...

my entire net worth today...

is just over...

a hundred million dollars.

That is a pretty hefty piece...

of "boof borgeegnon".

Yeah.

Breathe, fellas.

You want me to rewind?

Do you want me to pause?

okay.

A hundred million dollars.

No? Then we'll talk

about the conditions.

What is this, Brewster's Millions?

- Throw 'em at us!

- You and me both!

Keep it down!

Now, you moron.

Now's the time you can come in on me.

Come on!

The conditions are...

that he gets married...

that, to guarantee that the union...

isn't some shabby scam...

he and his wife remain married

for at least ten years...

- Ten years?

- one, zero...

spending no more than

one night apart each month...

and that within five years...

they produce

genetically verifiable offspring!

- I'd like to leave my grandson...

- No way.

with one final thought.

Jimmie boy...

if you don't get married...

before 6:
05 p.m....

on your 30th birthday...

that was the time

you came into this world...

you're gonna get cut off...

without a goddamn cent and f...

I think we get the gist.

So when is the wedding?

oh, no.

The night we saw you

at the showroom...

you were on your way to...

The Starlight Room?

That was you?

Yep. That's right.

I defiled the Starlight Room.

And you know what?

I'm glad.

Forget the Starlight Room!

Besides, I am gonna marry Anne.

I just have to reconcile myself

to the idea of marriage, that's all.

Well, you'd better start reconciling.

Your birthday is soon, right? Next week?

No, it's not next week.

Thank God.

It's tomorrow.

It's set. Gluckman got us the licenses

and my Uncle Gus lent me a limo.

Let's get the lady next door.

She can play the organ.

You think it's easy settin' up a wedding

in an hour and a half?

You're lucky the priest at

my grandmother's nursing home was free.

Yeah, well, there are limits.

What kind of dumb b*tch

lets Leonardo DiCaprio drown?

What are you babbling about?

She gets a great guy like that

and lets him slip through her fingers.

Natalie, mind your own business.

I'm just thinking out loud.

He probably just tossed her up on

that piece of wood and said, "You win".

There's the priest.

- What do you feel right now?

- Well...

Get over it!

You're marrying the woman you love

and inheriting a fortune.

It's not like you're meeting

the Grim Reaper.

Jimmie Shannon?

I've come for you.

- Bye.

- Hey, what's that smell?

You're wearing his aftershave,

aren't you?

No. It's probably some just left

on the sweater or something.

Right. Yeah.

Have fun at Mom and Dad's.

I'm really sorry that I can't be there

for all the anniversary stuff.

Yeah, I can see

how heartbroken you are.

Bye.

So, how's my grandmother?

Should I tell her

about the money?

Are you kidding me?

You're thinking of not?

Do you really want to

start your marriage off with a lie?

No, but she's gonna kill me

if I tell her.

Anybody would.

Your call, man.

Give me one of those mints.

You think she's gonna say, "I'm not

marrying you till you brush your teeth?"

It would be a very great honor

to have your hand...

Yes. I will. I do. Whatever.

Is this thing real?

Yeah.

Think she'll say yes?

I don't know. Suddenly

she's gotten really particular.

I can't think why.

Good thing you'll have three weeks

to rehearse.

Three weeks?

Hot assignment in Athens.

She left a half hour ago.

Heliport.

Hey.

Running looks desperate.

- The heliport!

- Jimmie! You might need the ring.

I'm outta here.

Anne!

What are you doing?

I tried to call you at the office, but...

Do you have a minute?

Yeah, I've got a minute.

What...

What are you doing?

Anne, would you do me

the great honor of marrying me?

What?

- Would you do me the great honor...

- I heard you. But why now?

Just say yes, all right?

Please.

I really, really want you to.

Well, that's definitely

an improvement.

Is that a yes?

What's going on?

Nothing's going on.

I love you.

Yeah, I know that, but what's with

the traveling wedding party?

What's the point of waiting?

Let's just do it. Today. Now.

Right now now?

Trust me.

We gotta seize the moment.

What's important is that I love you

and I want to spend my life with you.

- You're sure?

- Yes.

You're sure

you want to tie the knot?

You're really sure?

You wanna get hitched?

You wanna strap on

the old ball and chain?

Mm-hmm. See, now, there's

the Jimmie Shannon that I know.

Where are you going?

You should've seen

what I just saw.

What did you just see?

A bachelor.

- What are you talking about?

- You're not ready.

of course I'm ready!

I'm standing at a helipad in my tuxedo!

No, you're not ready.

Don't you understand?

I don't know

if you'll ever be ready.

You've won.

What the hell happened?

oh, Jimmie got a look.

A look?

I don't understand.

He was wallowing

in bachelor memories again.

I still don't understand.

It's over. She took

an assignment in Athens.

- I tried to persuade her, but...

- This is bad.

Very bad.

A hundred million dollars bad.

The Shannon legend continues.

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