The Baytown Outlaws
Whoo!
Open up!
It's your dog, bro!
We've got a warrant
for a Hector De la Taco.
So send him on out.
You've got the wrong house, ese.
Why don't you let me worry about
that there, snookum?
This is the FBI! Why the f*** don't you
open the f***ing door? Let's go!
That's cute. Look! You putas got ten
seconds to get the f*** off my stoop!
- OK?
- "Putas"?
Hey, man! You know what, man?
We got off to the wrong foot!
You're damn f***ing right we did!
All right, man! Just take a step back
and take another look
at our credentials!
Officer McQueen, would you please show
this nice young gentleman your badge?
I can't see sh*t!
Whoo!
You ain't gonna need this no more.
Stop it! If you had bothered
to learn the language,
you know what you could
Do you know what you could be saying?
You could be saying, "Hey, man",
this is a big mistake.
I'm a Federale. I've got a wife!
"I got a wife and I got a kid at home!
Please don't let me die!"
But that's all you want to do!
Talk in yourjibber-jabber.
That would be like me going to Mexico
and expect everybody to speak American.
God Almighty! I mean, what am I...'?
You tell me what I'm supposed to do.
What am I supposed to do?
All right, you've got a job. Right?
You clean toilets, or cut grass,
or whatever the hell it is you do.
This is what I do.
You understand?
Somebody wanted you gone, you know
who they came to. This guy right here.
You know? So I'm sorry.
But just so you know,
this ain't nothing personal. All right?
Yeah?
We got the wrong house.
This sh*t ain't
gonna turn out well!
You don't listen, man! You're
like MacGruber! Goddamnit, man!
Well, ain't that some sh*t.
- Sheriff?
- What's the story?
It's just an all-out massacre.
Thirteen dead bodies, mounds of drugs,
- guns, spit and ass. It's a mess.
- So who were these miscreants?
No one appeared to be anybody special.
Just run-of-the-mill
dealers and bangers.
- Anybody talking?
- You know how it is.
Nobody heard nothing, nobody saw
nothing, and nobody talks to the po-po.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Fill out all the necessary paperwork,
run the bodies through the county.
Have the report on my desk.
Sir, I also took the liberty to go
ahead and put it out over the wire.
See if we can get
a bead on these shooters.
- Now, why would you go and do that?
- Trying to speed things along.
- You think I can't do my job.
- I just thought...
Don't do that! Don't ever do that.
Just do as you're told.
' Nothing? ' NDe!
- Not even half?
- Mm-mm.
Something's gotta change!
Risking our necks for no money.
This some bullshit!
I'm about tired of us getting f***ed
six ways from Sunday, you hear me?
Goddang, man!
I was gonna put a pool in
with that money.
Goddang, motherf***er!
Stop! Yeah, walk away, b*tch!
You lucky I ain't in the mood
to whip your ass, boy!
Wasting food, motherf***er.
- Can I help you'?
- Sh*t!
- Sorry. You scared me.
- That's what I do.
I'm Celeste. I was hoping to talk
to you and your friends.
Friends? I ain't got no friends.
I've got my brothers.
Got my house. My car.
I've got a sexy little chica
standing in front of me.
But I ain't got no friends.
You wanna be my friend?
I saw you this morning.
I was hoping
to acquire your services.
You got the wrong fellas.
We was at church this morning.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So there's just three other white boys
that looked just like you
on Bacon Street?
Trying to figure out how you guys walked
out of there with all those witnesses.
And every cop in the state
isn't lined up at your door.
So, what's a pretty little girl like you
doing in a neighbourhood like that?
- Well, I was there to hire muscle...
- Hire him to do what?
Get my godson back
from my ex-husband.
Dibs.
Dang it! Cock-blocking motherf***er!
Lady, I'm not sure what it is
you think you're doing,
but that's not exactly
our line of expertise.
- I got money.
- How much?
Ten thousand.
Yeah, I don't think
saving people is really for us.
You know'? Why don't you
take that sh*t to the cops?
They'll do it for free.
Twenty-five thousand.
Five thousand up front.
Come on inside and meet the boys.
This is what I'm talking about.
Clean lines, nothing to profile.
None of that spinner,
hydraulic sh*t to get you lit up.
What I'm talking about, Sal, is you
transporting anything and everything
in this pre-owned Hyundai Sonata.
And here's the reason why.
Hidden compartment. Coated
with coffee bean and talcum paste
no drug dog on the planet Earth
can sniff out.
This space is worry-free,
and this time next month,
I'm gonna have
a f***ing fleet of them.
- Damn, that's tight.
- Hear that, Dad? It's tight.
So, what do you say, boys? You want
to take a few road trips for me?
Abso-f***ing-Iutely, Carlos.
We surely don't mind being your
f***ing little mule, Don Carlos.
But we gotta talk about our cut.
We're the one doing all the risks.
You know, I just remembered something.
I need batteries and toilet paper.
And I need to get that Brad Pitt movie.
into a f***ing baby?
Running low on milk, a few things.
I wonder where I could get all these
items in one convenient location?
- Walmart.
- Wal-f***ing-mart. That's it.
I love the way you put "f***ing"
in the middle of a word like that.
I'm gonna start using that sh*t.
You see, guys, I kind of...
look at my future empire as the
Walmart of bottom-dollar retail crime.
But, you know,
we can't all be Sam Walton.
That's my job.
And when my foot soldiers
start talking about sh*t like cuts
and percentages and things like that,
well, see, that's partner talk.
And I don't need a partner.
I need stockers and cashiers
and mercenaries and mules.
And in your case, Padre,
dime-bag dealers
from the lawn and garden department.
Coincidentally, where I found you.
Now, Padre, I like you. I really do.
I like your son too.
I really appreciate all the sh*t
you've done for me, you know,
that God wouldn't be proud of.
But some things, you just have
to stop them before they start.
See, partnership leads to ambition.
Ambition leads to a word
they don't use much any more.
Mutiny.
- Papa, what's that?
- It's bad news.
Listen up, dipshits!
This here is Celeste.
And she'd like to give us an assload
of money to kidnap her godkid back
from her deadbeat ex-husband.
- I guess so.
- Well, OK.
Let me just find my
and I'll get you right set up.
You out your damn mind, brother'?
The big fellow over there,
that's Lincoln.
is McQueen.
And I'm Brick.
Did you happen to mention that
kidnapping ain't exactly what we do?
I was there this morning.
You was at church?
When I saw you guys take out that whole
house and walk out without a scratch,
I knew I found my guys.
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"The Baytown Outlaws" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 8 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_baytown_outlaws_3722>.
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