The Beautician and the Beast

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Ah, an enchanted princess.

You're not a dwarf!

Fair maiden,

we shall be married at once.

Married! One kiss and I'm engaged?

I wasn't even awake to enjoy it.

Begone! Watch where you walk.

The bunnies eat a lot of fruit.

- You'll be my princess.

- That's no bargain.

Affairs, bulimia,

divorce. I read People.

- Here.

- Unhand me.

- I'm too young to get married.

- I like a sense of humour.

No! I've got goals,

I've got dreams, ambitions.

Wait. Come back! Miss Miller!

Miss Miller.

Miss Miller? Miss Miller!

Oh! I must've been having

a little nightmare.

- I'm sorry.

- It's time.

I'm sorry. I'm juggling three jobs and...

This audition is so important to me.

- We're on in 45 minutes.

- Thank you.

Hi. My name is Joy.

It is such a pleasure to meet you.

I'm such a big fan.

If I get this job, I guarantee

you'll never frizz or kink up.

On Fridays, I'll give you a set so stiff

you won't have to touch it till Monday.

- Just keep it simple.

- Sure. My motto's "Less is more".

- Thirty sec...

- Doesn't she look gorgeous?

Come on.

This is so exciting.

I swear, I never miss you on TV.

In five, four, three, two...

Good evening.

Welcome to New York State Lotto.

Tonight you could win or share

a jackpot of $3 million.

And now for tonight's

winning lottery numbers.

They gave the job to a cool,

sophisticated European.

Call me a realist.

Is teaching night school so terrible?

One day you could own

your own beauty parlour.

- Maybe raise a family, God forbid?

- I don't wanna settle.

Sweetheart, I say this

because I love you.

Settle! Meanwhile, did you see

me take one or two Mylantas?

I'm still not good.

Don't listen to your mother.

She's not like us. We're dreamers.

But, Daddy, you settled

and opened a stationery store.

No. That was my dream. I love cards.

- But look...

- Ma.

I do want to settle down one day, but

with a guy with less jewellery than me.

- You always set your sights too high.

- When I meet the right guy, I'll know.

I dunno how.

I'll feel an utz in my stomach.

Hi, sweetie! Ma, he still biting himself?

The vet says it's stress. What do

you have to be stressful about?

I can't imagine...

Royal blue, rust, sapphire,

turquoise, violet and wine.

Excellent! The ultra-pearl shadows

are the hardest. Now, let's see...

- It's not right.

- Move the mole.

Class, the mole always goes over the

left lip. It balances the cigarette, see?

If it's on the same side,

you look like you'll fall over.

It's called Revlon, not Dutch Boy.

Class! What's our motto?

"Flashy, not..."

- "...trashy."

- Excellent.

Hector, no! The cigarette!

Hairspray is flammable.

- I ain't smoking no cigarette.

- Oh, my God! Fire!

Somebody get a spritzer bottle!

Go spritz it! Hurry!

A big fire! A big fire!

We'll get outta here. I'm the teacher.

- Get outta here, single file.

- I've got it!

Don't panic! Move slowly!

Single file! We'll get outta here!

People, don't worry about your stuff.

We're all gonna get out alive.

- We gotta save the animals.

- I ain't saving rats. Burn, baby, burn!

Don't breathe. Don't inhale.

It's the smoke that gets you.

Hold on, I'm coming.

I'm gonna save you.

I can't believe I'm doing this!

Relax, it's just embossed vinyl.

Bring it up! Come on! Keep it coming!

Two guys on the roof!

That's it. That's all of 'em.

You're a hero, Miss Miller.

- Do you need any oxygen?

- Huh?

Oh, no thanks, fireman.

I'm fine, thank you.

- I'm feeling a little short of breath.

- He was talking to me.

Hey, Miss Miller. Smile!

Oh, no!

Her.

"Confident is a good word."

"Unstoppable is a good word."

"Unbelievably blessed

are great words."

"Promise to be so strong that nothing

can disturb your peace of mind."

- "Speak peace with everyone."

- Excuse me.

I'll blind you with pepper spray.

Oh, it's Binaca.

- I'm not criminal. Look, I have suit.

- Are you from Visa?

You shouldn't tell people to pay

the minimum and then hound them.

- I'm not bill collector.

- Ho, there!

Please...

My card.

Slovetzia?

Is that your pimp-daddy name?

No, it's my country.

My name is Grushinsky.

My president, Boris Pochenko, feels

that with the onset of democracy,

his children should be exposed

to Western thoughts for six months.

So, he sent me to United States

to bring back finest teacher.

"Brave, selfless and willing to die."

His Excellency respects such qualities.

- Talk to the hand.

- Please, let me finish.

The job pays 40,000 American dollar.

- Do they take out FICA?

- Of course! What is it?

Please, it is a legitimate offer

to live in Eastern Europe.

- It's in Europe?

- Yes. It's very beautiful, like Paris...

...fifty years ago.

- Paris...

- Ah, Paris, mais oui.

Miss Miller, a woman of your calibre

should experience more than this.

- That's what I always thought.

- It's obvious. It's such big world.

Do you really want to disappear

in this little place?

Eastern Europe...

Are you out of your mind?

Ma! They say it's like Paris

fifty years ago.

There were Nazis

in Paris fifty years ago.

I know, we're late.

But it's better to be last on board.

- Then your bags come off first.

- It's private plane.

Ma, I love you,

but you're too attached to me.

- I'm not too attached to you.

- Really? Then, what's in here?

- What?

- You know.

- I don't.

- What's this?

Your umbilical cord.

Take me with you.

Ma, I'm sorry. I gotta try this. There's

something more out there for me.

- I love you, kiddo.

- I love you, Ma.

So, Miss Miller,

I need some information.

- Where were you schooled?

- I went to the Sassoon Academy

but graduated from

the Barbizon School.

I read that you're having

some internal problems.

Young people with too much spirit

and no patience.

Democracy takes time.

It's nothing to worry about.

Don't open the window!

So, whatever classroom supplies

you need, the castle will provide.

Well, just the usual. A couple

of heads, cotton balls, mousse...

- You'll need a moose?

- It's more like gel.

Hold that a minute.

Here we go. Here we go.

A little bit. This is the extra-hold kind.

You've got some nice hairline, mister.

Miss Miller,

what exactly do you teach?

Beauty culture.

- I'm dead. My life is over.

- What's the problem?

- I thought you taught science.

- Teach it? I didn't even pass it.

I must make list of things I've never

done and do them in the next hour.

Excuse me, I am the victim here.

This was supposed to be my big break.

I gave up my job, my family...

We're in a no-win situation.

Why not make the best of it?

- You teach beauty school!

- I know that, and you know that.

You Americans

and your positive thinking.

Some situations, the big-toothed

person cannot get you out of!

You're just palpitating a little.

Breathe deep. Breathe deep.

- There we go.

- Oh, Mama.

- I don't even know your first name.

- Iriyaski lvanovich.

I'll call you Ira.

Ira, I used to give pedicures to women

who wore plastic shoes in summer.

- What's a tougher gig than that?

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