The Beautician and the Beast Page #2

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- That.

- Who's that?

- His Excellency, Boris Pochenko.

His Excellency? I thought you said

he was a president.

Semantics. Please, come.

Nobody seems very happy.

In Slovetzia, hard work today,

happiness tomorrow.

Oh, you startled me,

Prime Minister Kleist.

This is Miss Miller, the children's tutor.

I present our Prime Minister.

- Leonid Kleist.

- Welcome to my country.

I trust everything is to your liking.

- If you need something, ask...

- Well...

...him.

- Oh!

Nice meeting you!

- This will be your room.

- Oh.

Many great men have stayed here.

Castro, Khrushchev, Tito...

I'm sure I'll be very comfortable.

- Could I get a blanket without a head?

- Please, Miss Miller, of course.

Now, your audience

with His Excellency is in one hour.

- One hour?!

- Yes.

You want me to make

a good impression. Get out.

- Hurry.

- I gotta get refreshed.

Well, where is she?

Did we just go through all this

for nothing?

Where is the teacher?

Someone must know.

Please, Mr President.

She's still in her room.

But she'll be here very soon.

Oh, my God! Oh, Mr President.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Please don't judge me by this.

It's so dark here,

which is great for atmosphere,

but it's hell for putting on liquid liner,

which I can put on in a cross-town bus.

But that wouldn't interest you,

because I am an educator.

No one cares how an educator looks.

What's it like out, 'cause I was thinking...

- Make her be quiet!

- I heard.

Joy Miller, since this is

your first time in my country,

I will make allowances for you.

Once!

I do not take lightly your being here.

My children are growing up

in a different world than me.

I believe, despite contrary opinions,

that they must learn to live within it.

You must help them face a new century

and the Western dignitaries

who will now be coming into our home.

So, in future, I expect you to be prompt,

efficient and dressed.

Is that clear?

Oh, no.

Good day.

Huh? Oh, my God.

Rule number one, kids. Never surprise

a New Yorker. Comprende?

Oh, my God, you don't speak English?

- I am Katrina. This is my brother Karl.

- Karl Pochenko.

Eldest son of His Excellency,

the President.

How do you do, Karl? Nice posture.

I look forward to learning about

your decadent ways.

Honey, we just met.

- What's your name?

- Masha.

Come out from behind there so I can see

more than just your gorgeous hair.

You're not like the other teacher.

She was ugly with missing teeth.

Her breath smelled like something died.

- Farting in her mouth.

- Oy!

- We've never met an American before.

- Never?

We don't want to be raped

by your mindless cultural imperialism.

Karl, you only get one chance

to make a first impression.

Oh, sweetie, why do you look so sad?

Let me see what's the matter.

Oh, honey, you shouldn't bite your nails.

You wanna grow a hand

in your stomach?

Miss Miller,

will we see you at breakfast?

Sure. Most important meal of the day.

What is this, exactly?

Blood sausage in clotted cream.

A delicacy.

- It must be in your honour.

- Oh.

Well, it looks delicious.

- Good morning, children.

- Good morning, Father.

- Miss Miller.

- Good morning, Mr President.

Your New York Times

is completely biased against me.

Don't blame me.

I haven't owned it for years!

- Won't you be joining us for breakfast?

- I can't. I'm very busy.

Some of the best memories of my father

were sitting around the breakfast table.

He would eat until he was so full that

he'd roll his undershirt over his stomach

and make his belly button talk.

He was a simple man.

- You wanna try?

- No.

All right, I'm sorry. We won't take up

any more of your time.

I am not having my belly button talk.

Isn't this nice?

Mr President, I am just so excited to be

teaching your children, I can't tell you.

What? What did she say?

- I didn't hear that.

- No bother. We'll come to you.

Hurry up, kids. Your father wants to talk.

- What are they doing?

- Coming to talk.

Why?

- Joy Miller!

- Oh, sit.

It's just as easy to move five people

as it is one.

There we go.

It was so cute when I woke up

and all the kids were sitting on my bed.

What? Is this true?

Er, no. Uh-uh.

- You said they were on your bed.

- No.

I said "if" they were sitting on the bed,

it would've been cute,

but highly inappropriate.

What can you get for a place

like this in this neighbourhood?

Well, just for curiosity's sake,

how did it work with your last teacher?

We read aloud from our textbooks.

- What'd she do?

- She watched.

Sometimes she slept.

- And she still got paid?

- Of course.

If it ain't broken...

Let's see what we're gonna read today.

OK. World His...

...tory.

Here's your father! His Excellency,

President-for-life Pochenko.

- All right, Karl, you begin.

- In the winter of 1991,

President Pochenko led

Operation Desert Storm,

resulting in a glorious

victory for Slovetzia.

What? Lemme see that.

One minute, here.

Go figure.

OK, if the person that's in office

is called the president,

what do we call the person

that runs against him?

- Loser?

- Traitor?

- Missing?

- No. The challenger!

In a democracy you hold free election.

- Isn't this a free country?

- Lunch. Please. Now. Go. Thank you.

What are you doing?

Ira, I'm sorry. I cannot stand here and

teach these children lies. I can't do it.

Then, what are you going to teach them?

Things.

Therefore, if you've earned

18,640 frequent flyer miles,

but it takes 20,000 miles

to go from Miami to Scottsdale,

how many flights must you take

to make up the difference?

- Karl.

- One-way, New York to Boca Raton?

That's right.

Recess! Fifteen minutes. Put on your

sunblocks, because "rays today..."

- "...raisins tomorrow."

- Fab.

- Miss Miller?

- Yeah, honey?

- May I ask you something?

- Sure.

You are a woman of the Western world.

- Sophisticated, promiscuous...

- Hey!

My father won't let me date,

and I want to have sex.

Sex, sex and more sex.

Well, that might be the reason

he won't let you date.

English isn't your first language.

What do you mean by "sex"?

Oh, you know... sex!

Holding hands, eating ice cream...

You've described the before and after

events, but we'll talk about that later.

- Miss Miller, I'm in love.

- Oh, sweetie, that's wonderful.

But my marriage is already

prearranged to someone else.

- What?

- I hate him.

He's a stupid prince with stupid castles

and stupid boats.

Got a picture?

With all his money,

he could get that fixed.

I don't love him.

Please, you have to help me.

This is something to discuss

with your father.

- No, I... No.

- Tell him how you feel. Assert yourself.

Trust me. He'll respect you for it.

- Who is it?

- It's me, Katrina.

Joy Miller!

You are here to teach my children,

not give them ideas about boys.

Stick to your duties and let this be

the last time I see you in this office.

- Now, go.

- I'm sorry. It'll never happen again.

- Screw up your kids if you wanna.

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