The Better Half

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1

[gentle eerie music]

[sighs]

[click]

[grunts]

Put that chair back.

Oh, but it's... it's so early,

and then the light...

- it's gonna make your eyes pop.

- Please?

Where's the red and white

striped sweater

I put out for you to wear?

At the bottom of a bin

labeled "Never gonna happen."

Did someone scare you?

You know it's 6:
00 a.m.

on a school day in September?

Go, you're making me late.

[grunts]

I know you struggle

with your masculinity, Jeff,

but just take one

for the team today, okay?

I'm here with you,

so I already am.

Oh, am I keeping you

from rescuing a cat

from a tree or putting out

another barbecue?

Don't start, Calista.

I've stayed home to engage

in your photo obsession

when I should be

at the firehouse.

Frat house is more like it.

Don't you think wearing

the same color skirt

and tights would make

your legs look less stumpy?

All righty, two and two

like on the ark.

- Let's go, let's go.

- Same as last time?

Yes, right here,

same as last time.

Okay, that's,

uh... whatever, okay.

- [groans]

- Posture.

You could just

shoot us individually

and then Photoshop us in.

- Or you could just shoot us.

- [chuckles]

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

There we go,

that's more flattering.

All righty, whatever will

make you people smile, huh?

Smile.

Think Christmas.

Think reindeer, reindeer.

Just take the picture!

I really hate him.

[camera shutter clicks]

You're incredible, Laurie.

I don't know where

I'd be without you.

No, that... that's perfect.

It's exactly what we want,

yeah.

I don't know how you do it.

[blender whirring]

Laurie, you're the best.

I just... I just don't know

how I would get through all this

without you, honestly.

Laurie saved this fire station

from closure.

You are awesome.

Emily, do not eat that!

Those are called skinny jeans,

and the stretch is

in the fabric,

not the waistband.

Calista, really?

Here, I made you

a protein shake.

- I am not drinking that.

- I'm gonna call you back.

[car horn honks]

That's my ride.

Wow, huh, look at the time.

[gags]

[coughs]

[upbeat music]

We took our holiday family

photo this morning...

total waste of time.

I don't know how you juggle

all that stuff.

I only have a goldfish,

and I forget to feed it

at least twice a week.

Hi, girls!

Hi.

Don't overdo it.

We don't want her coming

over here... too early.

- Okay, so...

- Okay.

Is she still doing

that clown gig?

I thought she was a mime.

Mimes don't talk.

Oh, yeah.

- Whoa, you okay?

- Yeah.

All right, let's try this.

Try to get one rep up.

- And just one... um.

- [groans]

Everything okay with

you and Jeff?

Ugh, I wouldn't know.

When he's not at the firehouse,

he's working on his fundraiser

with Laurie.

Who's that?

Some 20-something

firehouse skank

who's got her eye on Jeff.

Laurie, sounds like

she should have back hair

and a thick ribcage.

He's got the nerve

to criticize

how I handle the kids.

I keep everything

in perfect order at home,

but he can't stop gushing about

how Laurie is so helpful.

Well, here's an idea.

You could show up and help Jeff,

push that b*tch out of the way.

Nah, if it's anything

like our marriage,

he'll just hump her

into a boredom coma anyway.

[laughs]

That's so sad.

For him.

Oh, Dina, that's what I want.

Training sessions?

No, I want that trainer.

Oh, he's so shiny and new.

Careful, gal, you could chip

a veneer on that thing.

If I'm lucky.

There you go.

[giggles]

You sound like one of

those desperate leopards.

It's cougar,

and I am not that old.

Pretty sure it's leopards,

but whatever.

Doing okay?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

he's coming over.

[beeping]

[panting]

Oh.

[beeping]

Oh.

[panting]

Oh.

Going a little fast

there, Cal.

[panting]

Can I get a hand?

Help me.

Push the button, Cal.

Push the button.

[panting]

Calista, you're going

too... push the button.

Press the button.

[exclaiming]

[panting]

[screams]

[glass shatters]

- [clears throat]

- Oh!

Holy crap.

[gasping]

Where am I?

Middle ground.

What am I, a Hobbit?

No, you're just one

dead b*tch.

[sirens wailing]

Oh, God, oh.

[crying]

- Dina, Dina, what, what, what?

- Oh, my God, Jeff.

What?

What?

[crying]

I can't be dead.

I have a nail appointment

this afternoon.

[sighs]

Let's talk about this

in my office, come on.

Wh... you...

Have a seat.

And who are you?

- My name is Daniel.

- Daniel.

And this is Cali.

Well, hello.

[laughs]

What the hell?

[laughs, snorts]

When you hit that window,

your soul split in two.

It's called

split soul syndrome.

It's fairly rare, but it really

separates the good from the bad.

Why, if she's so bad,

then just get rid of her.

Seriously?

You think Cali's the problem?

Uh-huh, yes, I do.

Cali is your better half,

Calista,

the fun, spontaneous,

loving part of you

that you seldom let loose.

And there's a very

good reason for that.

Okay, so maybe she's a little

light on oxygen right now

from being cooped up inside that

bag of bones you call a body,

but once her blood

gets circulating,

I'm sure she'll be fine.

[humming]

At least I think

she'll be fine.

[sighs]

All right,

according to my notes,

she is eligible

for entry into heaven,

but you, well, you have

some issues to resolve.

That's why you're here

in purgatory.

Purgatory?

[chuckles]

Okay, let's just, um,

rewind here.

Uh, you're seriously telling me

that I can't get into heaven,

but that can?

Yes, I am seriously

telling you that.

[laughs]

No.

No, no, this is unacceptable.

No.

[laughs]

Where was she when I was

running the carpool

all those years, huh?

You try transporting a serial

farter, a chronic nose picker,

and the kid with

the world's smallest bladder

five days a week.

Are you finished?

No.

I have been the perfect wife

and mother, okay?

I did all the hard stuff

that she could never handle.

I can't.

Now I'm finished.

Yes, you are.

[laughs]

This is... this is a huge

misunderstanding, see?

I'm... I'm not evil.

Evil, no, but do you

really think

you've set your family

on the right path?

Yeah, yeah.

Sister, you are

one deluded soul.

Let's see how the perfect wife

and mother

has been doing so far.

[click]

Your husband already

has one foot out the door.

If he wasn't such a good man,

he'd be gone already.

Now, if someone

more appreciative

were to come along...

- You okay, Captain?

- Uh, Laurie.

Oh, like her, for example.

Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm just...

just a little worried about

the fundraiser tomorrow night.

Well, then, I don't know

what would happen.

Yeah, if it doesn't go well,

the mayor's office

will shut us down, so.

Hey, I know you're not

always appreciated at home,

but I want you to know

how much you mean to all of us,

especially me.

Oh, he should pick her.

She's so pretty and nice.

Hey, dumbass,

that's my husband.

Our husband.

Your daughter Emily,

thanks to you,

has some serious body issues.

Really, Em?

I mean, that dress

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