The Better Half Page #2

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makes you look bigger

than you already are.

Are you serious?

We were twice her size

when we were her age.

And how much fun was that?

Well, as you'll see,

Emily will do

whatever it takes

to be popular.

[bell rings]

[clang]

Like, man, that's perfect.

Dang, Trey,

she never saw the camera?

Hey, Emily.

Looking hot today.

Thanks for the ride

this morning.

What exactly

do you see in her?

[sighs]

Me.

[laughter]

Smile for the camera.

[gasps]

That kid's a real a-hole.

Meanwhile, Dalton has become

a punching bag at school,

but perfect mom's

too busy to notice.

[grunts]

You keep talking,

you little snitch,

and I'll stuff your tampon

so far down your throat

you'll be pissing

Q-Tips for a week.

[laughter]

Ah!

Dalton's using tampons now?

Huh, they grow up so fast.

He's a boy, you idiot.

Okay, that's enough.

Now, you can't stay here,

neither one of you.

What are you gonna do,

toss us off the nearest cloud?

That's a great idea.

But my boss has decided

that you need to go back down

to clean up the mess

you made with your family.

Oh.

So you're getting

a second chance

to set your family

on the right path,

let them know

that you love them,

and give them a chance

to truly love you,

as difficult as that may be.

- So wait, we both go?

- Are you listening?

I can't keep half a soul here,

and I can't send half

a soul upstairs,

but one thing is for sure.

If you fail to set things

right with your family,

you both get sent downstairs.

Ooh, what do you

keep downstairs?

Hades, hell,

the bottomless pit,

Gehenna, el infierno,

the land of eternal damnation.

Okay, okay, we get it.

At least I get it.

So how long do we have?

- 48 hours.

- That's it?

Yes, ma'am.

Is that a problem?

Would it matter if I said yes?

- No.

- Then no.

How will we know if we're done?

- There'll only be one of you.

- Huh?

- See you soon.

- [gasps]

Come to Cardiology,

Dr. Theresa Campbell.

Please come to Cardiology.

I think Mom's

trying to wake up.

What?

[beeping]

[groans]

Dad, get help, hurry.

- You're welcome.

- Make it tight.

- It looks good.

- Thank you.

Is that tight enough?

Help, I need a doctor!

My wife, I think

she's waking up.

Let's go!

Oh, yeah.

[snorts]

- Oh, ow, ow!

- Oh, ow!

[groaning]

What the hell are you doing?

I'm so sorry.

I was just checking your eye...

- That wasn't a question.

- But we need to look

- at your pupils to make sure...

- Don't talk.

- But the doctor told me to...

- Stop talking!

- And she's back.

- Mrs. Ryan, I'm Dr. Goodbody.

How do you feel?

Well, I have a headache now.

Ahh.

Ooh.

[beeping]

Does anybody else see that?

There's nothing there, Mom.

Yeah, Mrs. Ryan, you've had

a traumatic injury.

And I have lots to do

and only 48 hours to do it in.

No, no, no, honey, honey.

Mrs. Ryan, you're gonna

stay right here.

We're keeping you

for observation.

Here's an observation.

You are a strange little man.

- Calista, please, be nice.

- Yeah.

Look, Doc, I'm fine.

Daniel said so.

- Who's Daniel?

- Who's Daniel?

Oh, never mind.

Look, I know it's a miracle

I'm alive.

- It is a miracle.

- Yeah, yeah, I promise

I'll thank the head honcho

when I see him

in a couple of days...

Go, go.

Oh.

- Honey?

- Flies.

Mom, we almost lost you.

I think you need

to stay here and rest.

Yeah, Mom, just listen

to the doctor.

We'll be okay.

No, no, no, you won't.

Calista, you're staying.

[gentle eerie music]

[doorbell dings]

[doorbell dings]

You know, all the doorbell

ringing was Morse code for,

- "I need my ass kicked."

- Mm.

Hi, Daniel.

Did you run out

of souls to reap?

- We need to talk, Gwen.

- So talk.

You know that if it

was up to me,

I would have sent you

downstairs a long time ago.

Well, then I guess

I'm lucky it's not up to you.

Are you coming in or not?

Hey, everyone,

guess who's here?

all:
Hey, Daniel.

You're still watching

Fran's son?

Yeah.

Sorry sap's in love

with a girl.

Spent all his money

to buy her a ring,

and then he loses it

before he can give it to her.

She is so gonna dump

that loser.

So Gwen, you in or not?

Of course I'm in.

Daniel, what do you think,

fold or bet?

Fran here's a tricky one.

- Hmm.

- I came by to let you know

that your daughter

Calista was here.

Was?

That girl has more issues

than "Penthouse."

How'd she get out so fast?

Well, she had a terrible

accident at the gym.

A treadmill spit her out and

sent her right through a window.

I told her those places

were deathtraps.

In my day if you

wanted exercise,

you took out the trash.

- Right.

- Her soul split in two.

Now she and Cali are back on

earth trying to fix their family

so they can move on from here.

If they fail, well, you know

where they'll end up.

Sounds like a great plan.

Let me know how that

works out, will you?

So you're not at all

concerned

that they face eternal damnation

if they fail?

Really, Gwen?

No, everyone loves

a good barbecue.

[laughter]

Gwen?

What do you want me to do?

Calista never listens

to me anyway.

I have spent my weight in pokes

trying to get her attention.

No more.

Taking care of a baby is easy.

I already take care of the fish

and the plants,

and they're doing great.

[ping]

[ping]

Well, if you really think

we're ready for kids,

then, um, hmm, let's do it.

Yay!

[shimmering]

These things are useless.

Maybe if you read

the instructions

in the welcome guide you'd know

what pokes can accomplish

in connecting to the living.

Why does everyone throw

away the instructions?

I don't know, Daniel.

I've read them, but my husband

doesn't pay any attention

to my pokes either.

Susie Q, slamming the head

of your husband's

new girlfriend

in a car door doesn't count.

It made me feel good though.

[laughter]

Squish.

I'm going to leave now so you

ladies can finish gambling

away your future and your past,

but Gwen, you know very well

that you sent Calista down

the road she traveled,

and now your grandkids

are headed down the same path.

[gentle eerie music]

[ping]

[mumbling]

- See you.

- There you go.

[cartoon playing]

Excuse me?

[thudding]

Ooh.

Um, I... um, I lost, um,

just something.

Um, uh, hello?

The lost and found box

is over there.

Oh, I went right past it.

That's crazy.

Hey, ninja hooker, off

to defend your street corner?

Nope.

I'm gonna do something

that you could never relate to,

hang out with friends.

- Who's the lucky John?

- Ha, funny.

While you're playing

with your joystick,

I'm gonna be hanging out

with Trey Thompson.

- Wow, huh.

- What's your problem?

Seriously?

You can't be that stupid.

Okay, maybe you can.

You know about Trey's

infamous sex videos, don't you?

I know you're secretly

in man lust with Trey,

but now you're filming him too?

Ooh, that's disturbing

even for you.

Later.

[video game gunshots]

- Oh.

- Shh, hi.

- What are you doing here?

- Shh.

- What the hell are you wearing?

- I couldn't just walk around

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