The Better Half Page #3

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looking like you, now, could I?

And this is better?

You look like the reject pile

from the Salvation Army.

Don't eat those!

I'm not Emily.

You can't starve me.

Is everything okay in here?

Yes, of course.

This is my cousin, Bruce?

Paging Dr. Goldberg,

Dr. Larry Goldberg.

- Nice to meet you, Bruce.

- Hey.

- Enjoy the cookies.

- I will.

No, you won't.

I had to get all that

post-Twinkie baby weight

off your fat ass,

so back away from the carbs.

You can't control me

anymore, Barbie.

I have a brain of my own now.

I think you're using the word

brain a little too liberally.

Okay, I'm just gonna chalk

your nasty attitude

up to hunger.

I'm here to help,

and I've got a plan.

Oh, I can't wait

to hear this.

Okay, I think

I should work on Jeff,

and you should work on the kids.

Why exactly?

Because, silly,

Jeff married me.

Excuse me?

Jeff married you

when you were me,

before you were you

and became the you you are now.

Wait, what?

Yeah, yeah.

I did not push him away.

You know what?

I'm not arguing about this.

Go ahead.

You handle Jeff.

[laughs]

Daniel may think you are

my better half,

but he is so wrong.

- We'll see about that.

- Oh, shut up already.

Mm-hmm.

[shimmering]

[ping]

[beeping]

What's going on in here?

[beeping]

I'm sorry,

visiting hours are over.

Aww, what a shame.

Bye, Brucie.

[beeping]

- That was fun.

- She's twice as annoying now.

- So you're sure you're okay?

- Yes, and please stop asking.

Uh, all right, then.

I guess I'll get the kids

to school.

Wait, I want to try something.

[clears throat]

[exhales]

I love you.

And I love you.

And I love you.

Um.

all:
We love you too?

There.

Doesn't everyone feel better?

Like you're fixed?

both:

Sure.

Yes, great.

See, Daniel,

I didn't even need 48 hours.

Beam me up.

I'm ready.

Okay, well, um,

if you need anything, call me.

Kids?

Bye, Mom.

Feel better.

Yeah, mom, get some rest.

I'll be home late.

I'm working

on the homecoming float.

[door opens]

[sighs]

[door slams]

What?

We all love each other.

What more do you want?

[knocking]

There you are, Daniel.

[groans]

You left me at the hospital.

That was the idea.

How did you get here, anyway?

Oh, I ran.

You are so athletic.

No thanks to you

and your binge eating.

So, have you

fixed everything yet?

Apparently not.

You're still here.

Well, I'm here to help.

I just need your credit card

and some clothes.

- For what?

- For the plan, goofball.

[laughs, snorts]

What plan?

Okay, we agreed

I would work on Jeff

and you would work on the kids.

Yeah, well,

good luck with that.

He's at the fire station.

Okay.

[beeping]

Daniel might be trying

to tell us something.

You think?

We only have 36 hours left.

I better get to the school.

Be nice.

Rock, would you please lose

the Elvis hair,

the makeup before

you go on call?

The ER nurses are now referring

to you as Rocky Horror.

Really?

'Cause the ladies

seemed to love me

till just about 45 minutes ago.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Don't force me to use

this screwdriver.

Understood, Captain.

Morning, all.

Hi, Captain.

Morning.

What's this?

I made some fliers

for the fundraiser.

Wow, they're great.

Thanks, Laurie.

Well, hey, what are

work wives for?

Oh.

[bell rings]

[gentle eerie music]

Ma'am?

Ma'am?

Ma'am, excuse me, ma'am.

Ma'am?

Ma'am, stop.

What?

I'm gonna have to ask you

to check in at the office.

Shh.

See, I'm stalking

my kids right now,

so they really can't know

that I'm here, okay?

Security, we've got

a code red in hallway B.

Bye.

[sighs]

[grunting]

It's too big, Jeff.

I can't even get

my hands around it.

Stop twisting.

Let me slide it in.

There.

Okay.

[grunting]

- Oh, man, that's really tight.

- [laughs]

Well, you said you didn't

want it all loose

like the last one.

[grunting]

Hey, you two.

Talking about a hose, just...

just talking about a big hose.

It's not that big.

It's a hose.

Calista, what are

you doing here?

Oh, I just... you surprised

to see me, sweetheart?

Yeah, of course.

You should be at home resting.

Well, I came to support

my husband

and to help with the fundraiser.

- Really?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, I'd love another body.

- I bet.

[gentle eerie music]

Oh!

So are you gonna

help her, Gwen?

Yeah, I guess, but only

because I want to see

what she pulls next.

[door creaks]

So where do I start?

How about you work on the

party music playlist with Frank?

Yeah, he always

sneaks rather hardcore gangster

rap into the mix.

Oh, wow.

We wouldn't want that,

now, would we?

Yeah, oh, my God.

- Hey, hi.

- Oh, hi.

- Can I help?

- Yeah, of course.

- Awesome.

- You want to help?

- Yeah, I'd love to, yeah.

- Sure.

Got bad news.

- Band just canceled.

- What?

But they're the entertainment

for tomorrow night.

Elvis is still available

though, baby.

Yeah, Rock,

and there's a reason for that.

Um, okay, well, we'll just have

to go back through the list.

It's so good, right?

- Play it out loud.

- Okay.

Yeah.

[rap music]

All hands on deck

Oh, yeah.

Go get it.

Go get it.

You know we're out here

making money, man

All hands on deck

Ain't nothing about this

very funny, man

All hands on deck,

hands on deck

What's going on?

Out the gate, penetrate

Hit the world,

I innovate... we know...

Come on, boys.

Dance with me.

Yeah.

Hey, Jeff, remember this one?

[rap music]

Yeah, isn't that

the Macarena?

All hands on deck

Put your money

where your mouth is

Very good, boys.

You know we out here

making money, man

All hands on deck

Ain't nothing about this

very funny, man

Oh, so good.

[laughs]

Put your money where

your mouth is, man

Hands on deck,

I know we...

Um, sorry to interrupt,

Captain, but we have to get

to that budget

meeting with the mayor?

Oh, yeah, right.

Uh, thanks, Laurie.

Sorry, Calista, got to go.

No worries.

I got to go, too,

and find you

some entertainment.

Oh, I know just who to call.

Could you?

That would be amazing.

Of course, as long as you can

come home for dinner tonight?

Deal.

[giggles]

What kind of entertainment?

Oh, I can't tell you that.

Just know it

will be spectacular.

[laughs]

[gentle eerie music]

[bell rings]

[clang]

I told you to back off,

nut jockey.

You told Jenny about

the uploads you found online.

So the best way to hide secret

videos is to post them online?

[clang]

I'm gonna make you wish

you never opened your mouth.

What?

- Ahh!

- Ahh!

Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, that's really bad.

That stings, that stings.

[screaming]

Oh, wow!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

[knocking]

Mr. Ryan, thank you for

coming on such short notice.

As I'm sure you are

probably aware,

we take the use of weapons

on school grounds

very seriously.

Of course, but I'm not sure

I understand what happened.

Your wife here has

pepper sprayed your son,

another student, and herself

in a school hallway.

- You did what?

- It's not what it sounds like.

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