The Better Half Page #4

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Because it sounds like you

assaulted two minors

with toxic gas a small,

constricted, public space.

Okay, it is

what it sounds like,

but I had a very good reason.

Dalton, are you okay?

I just want to go home.

I don't think I can

come back here ever,

and I'm pretty sure

I'm blind too.

Well, it appears that none

of this is your fault, Dalton,

so you are now free to go home.

I hope your mother has not

caused you permanent eye damage.

But you, Mrs. Ryan, you are now

banned from school property.

What?

You can't do that!

Oh, yes, I can.

I just did.

How is the other boy?

Thank you for asking,

Mr. Ryan.

I think he will recover.

I'm meeting with

his parents later today.

Yeah, well, I hope you tell

them to keep their douchebag,

jerkhead, assface bully son

away from our son.

- Calis... Calista, p...

- [mumbles]

Okay.

Well, now that you

mention it, Mrs. Ryan,

I was hoping to avoid

costly litigation

and possible prosecution

of you.

Thank you, Principal McCarthy.

That would be most appreciated.

My wife hit her head

pretty hard yesterday

and is apparently

still recovering.

- I...

- Head injuries, yes,

we've all been there.

How can you get in that

much trouble since leaving

the fire station?

I know... it's like

there's two of me, huh?

I got to get back to work,

and now I'm late for

the mayor's budget meeting,

and I'm sure he's gonna make me

and the crew pay for it.

Just tell him you were

in the principal's office.

Very funny.

Get some rest.

Um, call me if things get any,

well, weirder, okay?

Thanks, Dad.

I am so sorry, D.

I...

I know you were trying to

help me in your own twisted way.

Stop helping me.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Whoa.

What happened to you?

Uh, I caught the bully

beating up Dalton at school,

so I shot him with pepper spray.

Good.

Not good.

I also sprayed myself

and Dalton.

He's upstairs

disowning me right now.

At least you haven't upset

Emily yet, right?

Then again, it's early.

- So how did you do with Jeff?

- Oh, great.

I volunteered to help out

with the fundraiser,

and I got him coming home

for a few hours of

sexy time later tonight.

Well, I wouldn't

count on that.

He's starting to think

that we're crazy.

No, no,

he thinks you're crazy.

With me, he wants to get crazy,

oh, oh, what?

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

ho, no, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, oh, oh, God.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, that's enough.

Just stop.

- How do they do that?

- Okay.

Yes, I get... I get your point.

Ow, I just hurt my back.

That's just... that...

that is disturbing.

I have to go clean up

and then make a start on Emily.

Yeah, cool.

You know what?

I'm gonna go talk to Dalton.

- Good luck with that.

- Yeah, okay.

[knocking]

Hey.

Can I come in?

I'm unarmed.

I'm not mad at you anymore.

So what's his problem,

anyway?

Pretty sure it's the money

he eats for lunch.

Must give him acid reflux

or something.

[laughs]

No, I mean what's

his problem with you?

Um, he's been into some

pretty nasty stuff,

and I called him on it.

Well, is there anything

I can do to help?

You mean other than

shoot him with pepper spray?

- [chuckles]

- Oh, yeah.

Well, what about your friends?

Mom, when you're the sole

target of the biggest bully

in school,

you're about as popular

as someone with communicable

ball cancer.

Oh, you know,

you can always talk to me.

Well, I've tried,

but you just get so emotionally

invested in my problems.

It worries me.

Really?

Haven't you been living here

for the past 14 years?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Dalton.

I should never be

too busy for you.

Oh, Mom, Mom,

I don't want you

to solve my problems for me,

but you should pretend

to listen like dad does.

[laughs]

Okay, I get it.

Promise me you'll let me know

if things get worse?

- Yeah.

- Come here.

[sobs]

You know I love you, right?

Yeah, but it's nice to hear

you say it every 14 years or so.

[laughs]

Fair enough.

[sniffs]

[whistles]

Calista?

There's my big, hot hunk

of man meat.

Um, what are you wearing?

Oh, I was such a bad

little girl today,

made you late for

your budget meeting.

I think I deserve a spanking.

This... this outfit's

a little disturbing.

I... I feel like

your very dirty uncle.

Okay, okay, that works for me.

Let's go with that.

Oh, Uncle Jeff...

[doorbell dings]

- Oh, um, don't move.

- Oh, okay.

Hi, Mr. Ryan.

Oh, look, more scout girls.

We brought you cookies.

Oh, no, that's not

what you think.

Did I hear someone

say cookies?

Yay.

Thank you.

I told you not to move.

Yeah, you put me in the corner

and told me not to move.

Oh, um, this is not...

this is not...

She's... she's silly.

He doesn't like

bad little girls.

[laughter]

Uh, she didn't mean that.

I really do like

bad little girls.

Uh, I mean...

Save it, sicko.

Uh-oh.

[door slams]

[laughter]

Oh, um...

Hey, Em, check out

these old fireworks

I found in my dad's warehouse.

We can make our dragon

breathe real fire.

I don't know.

Those look pretty dangerous,

not to mention illegal.

Remember, Trey?

Her daddy's a fireman.

She's a good girl.

[laughter]

Is that true, Emily?

You never do anything bad?

Maybe I'm a bad girl

in training.

[laughter]

Ooh.

So how late can you

stay out tonight?

We're all going to

Eric's after this.

I don't know.

I have to get home,

but maybe I can come over later?

That would be very cool.

Don't worry about

the fireworks.

We can make our own

and get some more booze.

[squeaking]

Oh, oh, oh!

[screams]

Ooh, ooh!

[screams]

[exclaiming]

[screams]

[thud]

Emily just got home.

Did you see her?

I did, but she didn't see me.

Did you know she's a bad girl

in training now?

- What does that mean?

- Oh, I don't know,

and I don't plan on letting

her friends find out either.

How did you do with Jeff?

He's upstairs icing.

Sexy time went bad.

[doorbell dings]

I'll get it.

- Well, what do I do?

- Hide.

Right, right, yeah.

But if it's the scout girls,

run.

- Can I help you?

- Um, is Emily here?

Is that alcohol

on your breath?

No, it's beer.

Hey, is that the dragon head?

No.

Girls, I don't think that...

I've got it, Mom.

Wait a minute, Em.

- I need to talk to you now.

- What?

You're not driving anywhere

with those girls.

They're drunk.

We're not driving.

We're walking to Eric's house

to work on the float.

You just got home

from working on the float.

Yeah, but some freak ran off

with our dragon head,

and now we got to fix it...

- Everything okay?

- Wow, what happened to you?

Huh?

Dad, Mom is

acting crazy again.

- I am not.

- It's only 8:
00.

I'm not going to a party.

Please, this is my chance

to really fit in.

Emily, I'm saying no

for your own good.

Your mom's right, Em.

It's not happening tonight.

Sorry, um, I can't go.

Apparently my mom

suddenly cares about me.

Whatever.

Tell Trey that

I'm thinking about him.

Like Trey'll be thinking

about her after tonight.

Thanks, mom, always helping.

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