The Better Half Page #5

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And I see the dragon head.

- That was fun, huh?

- It's called parenting,

and I hear that it really sucks

when you're doing it right.

I wouldn't know.

[phone beeps]

Uh-oh.

Um.

Would you excuse me

for just one sec?

Don't go anywhere.

- What?

- We have a problem,

Jeff's cell phone.

Uh, what are you doing

in here?

I got to get back to work.

Are you sure you can't stay?

I'll make it worth your while.

Well, I wish I could,

but I'll see you tomorrow.

- Don't forget your phone.

- Thanks.

Okay, so Dalton

is getting beat on,

Emily is getting scammed on,

and Jeff's getting lured away.

I'd say we've

completely failed.

Have a cookie.

[beeping]

Why not?

We'll be in hell soon anyway.

Give me two.

Hey, we are not there yet,

and remember,

I'm the quitter, not you.

I don't think there's much

we can do, not after the mess

I've created.

No, let... let's go to

the firehouse, fight for Jeff.

I mean, the kids are home.

They're safe until

at least tomorrow.

Yeah, you're right.

Let's do it.

- Yeah, okay...

- I'm not doing that.

Uh-uh, you're not gonna

do that.

Let's do this.

[clang]

- So everyone's sleeping?

- Mm-hmm.

They're all resting up

for the big day tomorrow.

They told me to wake them

before you got back.

- But you didn't.

- No, I didn't.

I thought let them rest,

you know?

We've all been working so hard.

Besides, how often do

I get to spend

one-on-one time

with the captain?

Well, I like to think I keep

my doors open to all my crew.

Well, that's good to know.

But, uh, Laurie, um,

I need a few minutes alone time

just to, you know, get my head

straight before tomorrow night.

Oh, yes,

yes, of course, Captain.

I will, uh... I'll be inside

if you need me.

All right.

[door closes]

Calista.

She's not here.

Trade you a cookie

for your hat.

What are we gonna do?

He can't find us together.

I'll talk to Jeff.

- You sneak out.

- Okay.

- What are you doing here?

- I was, uh...

I just... oh.

I'm trying to make sure you

don't run off with that girl.

And why do you think

I would do that?

Because she's young and hot

and appreciates you.

Well, those are

pretty good reasons.

Jeff, I'm serious.

You have been

so distant and cold.

- I'm distant and cold?

- Yeah.

Well, try snuggling up

to someone

with an axe behind their back.

Okay, fine, we're not exactly

setting records in the bedroom.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize

that was the goal,

or I would have been

a willing participant.

It's not just that.

I, um... look,

I became the take-charge woman

that I thought you needed,

but somehow

the rest of me got lost,

and now I'm just this

angry, needy b*tch.

- I wouldn't call you needy.

- Oh.

I'm sorry.

Look, I can see that you're

really trying,

but, um,

I... I can handle you treating me

like the enemy, but the kids...

I know, I know.

I never meant to make

any of you feel like that.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

I love you, Jeff.

Please at least know that.

I do, I do.

And I love you too.

Ooh...

Cali.

What did you call me?

Ugh, this is

making me nauseous.

Let's check in

on the mayor, shall we?

[click]

[chuckles]

Oh-ho, looks like

he has a new friend.

I don't think I can get that

money for the building you want.

It's just not in the budget.

But we're counting

on that money, Mr. Mayor.

Is there anything I can do

to change your mind?

I... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, what... what am I

supposed to say again?

Would you please

stay in character?

Ask me how far I'm willing

to go to get what I want.

Oh, you're dirty.

[laughter]

You were amazing.

Was I good?

Oh, you were.

You were an animal.

[growls]

So you think

you can take away

my son-in-law's firehouse,

do you?

Ooh, look at you.

No wonder she liked you.

You've lost weight.

Look at that.

[chuckles]

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Ooh.

- Let's get this party started.

- Yeah.

Mm, your finishing touch.

God, you're hot.

Oh, you're too beautiful.

[chuckles]

Ahh!

Ahh!

Boo, are you dead, baby?

[laughter]

Looks like the mayor

slipped up.

That's a good one.

[alarm ringing]

What's happening?

That's us.

[alarm ringing]

Oh.

Injury accident, Captain,

some VIP, Mayfair Hotel.

I got to get going, but

I'll... I will see you at home.

[siren blaring]

- Is that the mayor?

- Yup.

Boy, he's got a big head.

Mm, just how

I like it, honey.

How did he get

stuck like that?

Is that bra Victoria's

Secret?

It's not a secret anymore.

You know I can

hear you, right?

We're gonna need

to remove that toilet.

Blasting tools

coming up, Captain.

No, no, no, no, no!

[laughs]

So you don't

knock anymore, Daniel?

- Are you responsible for this?

- Do you know over 40%

of household injuries

occur in the bathroom?

The pokes are meant to be used

for connecting,

for making amends,

not as weapons

of mass destruction.

[screams]

[shattering]

[laughs]

Could have fooled me.

- Oh!

- Hey, Calista.

Hey, baby.

What... what hap...

what happened to you?

Oh, I'll tell you all

about it in a minute.

First I'm gonna go

take a shower.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, baby, I stink.

No, um...

both:
Mm.

- Mm, mm, mm.

- Mm.

- I like you all dirty.

- Whoa.

Is this the good Calista

or the bad Calista talking?

Oh, which one do you

- want me to be?

- Well.

[giggles]

[giggles]

Oh, Jeff.

Ooh.

[giggling]

Ooh.

[giggles]

- Mm, mm.

- [chuckles]

Kinky.

She's spying on

herself having sex.

No, I don't want to see that.

[giggles]

[sighs]

Was it good for you?

Yes, it was.

That's my husband you

just slept with, you whore.

He's my husband too.

Yeah, well, let me just

show you how it's done.

Wow, you changed fast.

Ready for round two?

[growls]

I sure hope so.

- Mm.

- Ooh.

Not that I'm complaining,

but, um, what's gotten

into you?

You're about to find out.

Hey, your son-in-law

just scored himself a threesome.

Well, technically, I think

he can only check off twins.

No, leave me out of this.

Hi, there.

Hi.

Morning.

Hello?

I...

Hey.

Emily, oh.

I think there's a problem.

- What are you doing?

- What do you think I'm doing?

I have to get back

to the firehouse.

Yeah.

Of course.

I'll see you later, babe.

I'll see you tonight.

[chuckles]

Ooh.

Hello?

Good morning.

I love you!

Has anyone seen my keys?

Wait.

Stupid folder.

Never mind.

Bye.

[gasps]

[gasps]

Oh.

both:
Bye, Dad.

Hey, kids.

Good morning!

- Get out of here.

- No one can see me but you.

Why?

How?

I don't know, but maybe we

could use this to our advantage.

- You okay, Mom?

- Huh?

- Who are you talking to?

- No one.

Just, uh... you know, just... just

talking, you know, to myself.

To myself, yup, to myself.

Yeah, have a good day.

[rap music]

Get all the hands

on deck

Everybody to the brig

Get the money, testimony

All hands on deck

Put your money

where your mouth is, man

All hands on deck

Ain't nothing about this

very funny, man

All hands on deck,

hands on deck

All hands on deck

Hey.

- Oh, look at you.

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