The Better Half Page #6

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- Yeah.

From hospital to hostess

in 48 hours.

[beeping]

No, it's only been 43 hours.

- Okay.

- Hey, hey.

- Yeah?

- How goes the fundraising?

Uh, good, just not

good enough yet.

Oh.

Don't worry, Captain.

I can get things juiced up.

That's concerning.

I can't wait for your great

mystery entertainment to arrive.

Yeah.

My great mystery entertainment?

What is he talking about?

I don't know.

This place looks like

an Irish wake in a dry county.

I'll do my part

to help spice things up.

- Mr. Mayor.

- Captain.

Mrs. Mayor, so glad

you both could come.

Never did get a chance

to thank you

and your department

for your assistance.

- All part of the job.

- Yes, yes, of course it is.

All hands on deck

Put your money

where your mouth is, man

All hands on deck

They'll know we're out here

making money, man

All hands on deck

What?

[grunts]

[groans]

Why does Jeff think I have

some great mystery entertainment

planned for tonight?

Oh, because I told

him you did.

What did you do, Cali?

Okay, I called your friend

Sam from the gym.

I know, right?

You're welcome.

You sh... f... hi.

Hello.

Let's... enjoying yourself?

Good, good.

Good evening.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome

Sam the Super Mime

and her classy clown posse!

[circus music]

Oh, no.

Is this the great mystery

gift your wife

had planned for you, Captain?

Um, I guess it is.

- Yay.

- Let's get this party started!

Dance, dance

to the sound

Shake it down,

shake it down

Down, shake it down,

down, down, shake it

[phone beeps]

Down, shake it down,

down, down, shake it

- Great entertainment, Mom.

- Shut it, Dalton.

Down, shake it down,

down, down, shake it down

Thanks for hiring us.

I knew the first time

I saw you at the gym

we were gonna be good friends.

I can't believe

this is happening.

Oh, just point out

the big donors and the VIPs.

My clown posse

will take care of them.

Mimes aren't supposed to

talk.

Dance, dance, dance, dance

Dance to the sound,

shake it down

Shake it down

Hey, Em.

I'm outside.

[beep]

Oh, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no.

Emily, you can't.

He's bad.

He's just using you.

Don't get in!

Down, down, down,

shake it down

- That was fast.

- Couldn't wait.

This party's gonna be

a game-changer for you.

[tires squeal]

Down, shake it down,

down, down, shake it

I think I put a little too

much alcohol in the drinks.

Which drinks?

- All of them.

- You spiked the drinks?

No way.

I did too.

[laughter]

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Calista, Emily's gone.

- Gone where?

- Uh, Trey just picked her up

and took her to some party.

You know what

he's planning to do.

Oh, no.

Dalton, do you know

which party Trey Thompson

would go to tonight?

Yeah, his own.

All the cool kids

are gonna be there.

Why?

Because he just

picked up Emily,

and he's about to do something

that will destroy her.

I tried to tell her

about his porn star

of the month program, but...

You knew about that?

How?

Well, why do you think

he's been beating on me?

I found his secret videos online

and told him to take them down

or else I'd narc on him,

so he decided to go after Emily.

I tried talking to her about it,

but she thinks

he actually likes her.

Dalton, I am so sorry

I wasn't here

for either of you,

but we have to go

get your sister now.

But Trey lives on

the other side of town.

We'll never make it in time.

[tires squeal, siren blares]

Go, Mom!

[sirens blaring]

Thunder, thunder,

thunder, thunder

Thunder, thunder, thunder,

thunder, thunder

Thunder, thunder,

thunder, thunder

Just shake it

Just shake it

I never got a chance

to thank you for fighting

so hard for our jobs, Captain.

Laurie, I was just, um...

I know, just doing your job.

Yes, exactly.

You're so good at it.

Well, uh, pretty sure

that tomorrow

we're all about

to be out of a job.

Yeah, well,

then I definitely better

thank you properly tonight.

Uh, Laurie,

what are you doing?

Courtesy of our entertainment.

Ah, uh, oh, boy.

Oh, my God.

All eyes on me,

drinks on me

[siren wails]

[knocking]

Mrs. Ryan, and nerd boy?

We're here for Emily.

I don't think Emily's here.

[glass shatters]

Eric, you have three seconds

to tell me where my sister is.

Oh, big threats

from such a little dude.

Hey, don't talk

to my son like that.

Mom, I got this.

Eric, tell me where Emily is,

and if Trey's with her,

I'm gonna kick his ass.

Seriously?

I would pay to see that.

Mommy or no Mommy, Trey's gonna

pound your face in.

Upstairs, first door

on the left.

Um, oh, no, no, no.

Oh, boy.

Oh, yeah, about that.

Ooh, don't, Laurie.

Please don't.

Laurie, stop.

As unbelievable as you look,

I really do love my wife.

Yeah.

Your wife?

You mean the one that just left

on the most important night

of your career?

What?

Why?

I don't know.

She just started talking

to herself before running off.

Your daughter and son left too.

There must be some mistake.

They know how important tonight

is to me.

Well, I definitely know

how important tonight is.

This is... this is wrong.

Stop!

Laurie, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Captain.

Must be the alcohol

in the punch.

[knocking]

Occupied.

[knocking]

Come on!

Dingus, what are you doing here?

Open the door!

Ladies, what do you say

we give my grandson a hand?

Hmm.

[ping]

[grunting]

Dalton?

What are you doing?

Get out of here!

Emily, Trey's trying

to secretly record you

having sex with him.

What the hell

are you talking about?

Your mommy isn't here

to protect you this time.

Now, ladies.

[ping]

[ping]

Ah!

Stop it!

Stop it!

[ping]

[grunts]

[ping]

[grunts]

[ping]

Oh!

[ping]

[thud]

Emily, look.

You a**hole.

Oh!

Ooh.

[groans]

[groans]

Smile for the camera, Trey.

The Internet's gonna have

something new to watch,

me kicking your ass.

all:
Yeah!

Emily, are you okay?

Mom?

I am so proud of you.

Emily?

[crying]

- Emily.

- I really thought he liked me.

I know.

- I'm such a loser.

- No.

No, Em, he is the loser.

You have to know that,

don't you?

You were right all along.

I'm just a fat, ugly girl.

No, no!

Emily, you are an amazing,

beautiful young woman.

I'm so sorry I was so busy

trying to make everything

and everyone look

just so perfect

that I never realized

that I have the most

beautiful family possible.

My mother did

the same thing to me,

but I was a fat, unhappy kid.

But I'm neither

of those things.

You just make me feel like I am!

I know, I know

that now, Em...

Did you ever consider

that maybe I don't need

to be a stick figure

to be happy?

You turn me sideways

in every family photo.

Who does that?

A mother who has completely

lost track of who she is

and what's important to her.

You and Dalton are

my greatest treasures.

And no matter where I am,

I... I will never

forget that again.

I promise.

I need to know

that you forgive me.

Please?

- I guess.

- Yeah?

You did shoot Trey in the face

with pepper spray.

That's classic

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