The Big Green

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1

I still don't see why we

just don't eat the Cheetos?

Because this is like an annual

thing that we do every week

once we get our

allowance. -But I'm hungry.

You ate breakfast.

OK, but I'm still hungry.

We'll get you something later.

Hit the dirt.

Do the honors.

All right, guys. Be still. And no

Cheeto fights this week, all right?

Come on, just dump the bag!

-Just dump the bag, dodo brain.

Beautiful! -Save

some for yourself.

OK, that's it.

Why are you guys

always picking on me?

Everybody get Evan!

All right. They're coming now.

-They won't come if you're not still.

Who farted?

Here they come!

Oh, one of 'em

just pooped on me.

Oh, man!

Oh! Oh, man!

I mean, this could be bad for our

health. I think I'm getting a fever.

Oh, my God!

Aah!

Get 'em off!

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought

you were in trouble.

So you hosed us? -No,

actually, I was trying to help.

Well, thanks.

I'm so sorry. What on

earth were you doing?

Feeding the birds.

There's not much

to do in Elma. -Oh.

Who are you anyway?

-I'm the new teacher.

No way!

I'm here from England for a

semester on a teaching exchange.

I guess they didn't tell you.

-Nobody tells us anything.

There's two classes. Little

kids... -And big kids.

Oh, I'm teaching the

big kids. -No way!

My name is Anna

Montgomery. I'm from England

and I will be your teacher for

the first half of the school year.

Uh, before you get all sweaty, don't

waste your time with us. We're losers.

You're not losers.

Yeah, we are. You just

don't know us very good.

Didn't anybody tell you?

We had the worst test

scores in the state.

So you all had a bad test day.

Four years in a row

we had bad test days?

Let's all get to know

each other, shall we?

Someone tell me something

that makes you feel special.

Why?

Right. I, uh...

I believe that you're all special

because you live here in America.

And America is a place where you

can be anything you want to be.

I think that was before

Reaganomics, ma'am.

I look out here today and

I see ten special faces.

That'll change once

you get used to us.

Let's think of this a

different way, shall we?

What makes you different from

the kid sitting next to you?

We have asthma!

-That's different.

All right. All

right, guys, um...

What about the rest of you,

huh? What makes you different?

Yes. Tak.

Well, I can burp the whole ABCs.

-Well, that's a skill, isn't it?

OK, all right. -Larry,

your burps stink.

Larry, what makes you special?

My dad has a job. -Yeah, that's

very special for this town.

Yes, I suppose so.

Kate... What about you?

My parents are divorced.

Thanks for bringing it up.

Shut up!

What's that? -First recess!

We've only just got here.

We have another hour.

Hello! Come back!

How many times do I have to tell

you to keep away from my car!

How many times have you

told us today, Deputy Dawg!

Go on, go on. Move it, move

it, move it! Move it, baby!

Come on, come on, off the car.

Out of my way, I got things to do.

Hey, you may think you know

everything, but here's a news flash.

Something radical finally

happened in this town.

Nothing radical ever

happens in this town.

Wrong! -Yeah. We

met our new teacher.

You get a new teacher every year.

-But this one's different, Deputy Dawg.

Really different!

Oh, guys, let's go.

-Bye, Deputy Dawg!

? Well. L"m hopin" and l"m prayin"

and l"m searchin" and l"m lookin"

? A nd I'm deatln'

and I'm thlnmkln'

? That it"s just a matter

of time before you"re a pearl

? And l"m gonna getcha.

My little old girl

Bingo! That's a code red.

Excuse me, ma'am. Deputy

Sheriff Tom Palmer, Lane County.

We got an APB outta Austin.

Bank robbers headed this way.

Driving a Chevy. You seen 'em?

Only car I've seen is

yours, Sheriff Tom Palmer.

You can call me Tom.

You can call me Anna

Montgomery, Sheriff Tom.

Oh, no, you can drop that sheriff

part. -Right. Sorry, can't help you.

Where are you from?

-Surrey, England.

Oh, I'm planning a trip

to England real soon.

Been very interested

in English things.

And I've always been very

interested in America.

Not a whole lot worth

seeing around here.

Of course, there are a few

local points of interest.

Elma Armadillos was at one

time a football powerhouse,

back in the days when I

played. -Like she cares!

Oh, the children are

so cute, aren't they?

See ya, Deputy Dawg!

-Anyways, as I was saying...

This town at one time

was a football dynasty.

There's a billboard off of Main Street,

documents some of the achievements.

You might want to take a look at

it. That's me on the left side.

Of course, big twister last

year took off the top of my head,

but you can still see the resemblance

if you're coming in on Route 49.

Kind of like... But

with... you know. -Uh-huh.

Aren't you worried about those

bank robbers, Sheriff Tom?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah,

yeah. I gotta get on that.

Welcome to America.

"Welcome to America"?

The car kinda acts

funny sometimes. Bye.

Well, I think she likes me.

OK.

Stop it. You're

supposed to read it.

Kate, tell her to

turn this thing on.

My dad wants

gas. -Sorry, Kate.

Brenda, get this

thing going! -Yeah.

What is your problem?

My problem is you owe me too much money

for any more gas to go in this truck.

I'll pay. I don't

have the money now.

What? -I said, I just

don't have it right now!

You won't have it

tomorrow or the next day.

I gotta draw the line, Ed.

-So I'm a little short on cash.

I mean, big deal. Maybe you haven't

heard, but the factory closed.

Yeah, and Darius hasn't

worked a day since.

How dare you act like I don't know

what the plant's closing means.

And how come you're willing to

turn against your own kind, huh?

I mean, people who

are hurting. -Look...

I got my own bills to pay, Ed.

I got my own mouths to feed.

Oh! All my beautiful

stuff. Days of collecting!

Aw, little kids' class

has show-and-tell again?

Right. Kate, would you like

to come and show the class

where Columbus first

landed in the New World?

You mean get up? -Yes.

I don't get up for anybody.

Right.

Excuse me. May I come

in? -Of course. Please.

Miss Montgomery, class.

Class!

I said, class!

Thank you. -You're welcome.

Um, this young man

is Ju-an Morales.

And he's new in our town and

will be joining your class.

Howdy, Ju-an.

Welcome to Elma, Ju-an.

Hello, Ju-an. Gica

Montgomery. -It's Juan.

Juan. You may take a seat.

Don't trip.

-Hey, Ju-an.

Class, let's all make our new

student feel at home, shall we?

Pull up a cot and get a pillow.

We're in the middle of geology.

That's geography, Larry.

-Whatever. Same thing.

Right. Can we all please

focus our attention up here.

Juan, we're learning

world geography.

Can someone please tell me

what's wrong with this globe?

You just broke it.

-Yes, that's true, but

since you all have

absolutely no interest

in learning anything

about anything

I'm talking about,

such as this globe...

Well, why don't we just

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