The Big Kahuna

No answer?

-Must be out shopping.

-God forbid.

-Why do you say that?

-No reason.

It's just something men say

when they talk about their wives.

One guy says,

"She must be out shopping."

The other guys says,

"God forbid."

-It's a joke.

-Oh.

So what do you make

of all this, Bob?

-What do you mean?

-How does it feel to be out on the road?

Well, uh, I can see

where it could be tiring.

Yeah, there's a lot

to this job.

You'd never know it,

but there's a lot to it.

You seem to have been

at this a long time.

Tell you the truth,

Bob,

I feel like I've been shaking somebody's

hand one way or another my entire life.

-You're very good at it.

-Well, thank you, Bob.

-I mean, judging from what I hear.

-Don't qualify it, Bob.

-What time you got?

-Quarter to 5:
00.

-Hmm. Wonder if Larry got in.

-Don't you carry a watch?

The world is full

of clocks, Bob.

Clocks and mirrors.

It's a damn conspiracy.

Not that it matters

to me anymore.

All my chances have come and gone

a long time ago.

Why do you say that?

I'm not complainin'.

Everybody peaks somewhere.

People find their niche.

It's nothing

to be ashamed of.

Uh, how old are you?

If you don't mind me asking.

I'm 52.

-Your secretary said you looked distinguished.

-She did?

She said your face

had character.

I will give her

the benefit of the doubt...

and assume she meant that

in a favorable vein.

Sometimes I wonder what I'll look like

when I get to be your age.

Tear my heart out, Bob.

-Oh, no. That's not what I meant.

-That's okay.

I've heard tell of people

living well into their 60s.

I only hope it's true.

A-All I mean is,

I wonder how a person attains character.

Whether it's something that you're born with

that kind of reveals itself over time,

or whether you have to

go through certain things.

I never think about it.

For all I know, I could have a face

full of character and not even know it.

You think?

It's a two-edged sword,

Bob.

-So how long you been with the company?

-Six months.

-Straight out of school?

-Yeah.

Well, a word of advice:

It's never too early to start thinking

about where you want to end up.

-It's a lot to think about.

-Yes, it is.

Pretty soon somebody's gonna be handing you

a cake with 40 candles on it,

maybe 50.

A bunch of people are gonna jump

out of a closet and yell, "Surprise!"

like it's something you haven't been

thinking about every waking moment.

-What's that you're reading?

-Penthouse.

Oh.

-Wanna borrow it when I'm done?

-No, thanks.

-You don't want it?

-No, I don't read magazines like that.

Oh.

Are you one of those that believe that

magazines like this shouldn't be published?

I'm one of those who believes

they shouldn't be purchased.

That was a very clever

answer, Bob.

I just said

what I thought.

That's what I mean.

You did it without thinking.

Which leads me to believe

you could have a career in marketing.

What's your wife say about you

reading magazines like that?

It's not

my wife's concern.

-It's not?

-No.

We're divorced.

Mind if I ask you

what the problem was?

Maybe you better try

your wife again, Bob.

S-Sure.

I just have a real hard time imagining

what it must be like to get a divorce.

The picture

becomes perfectly clear...

after a very short

period of time.

Believe me, Bob.

Oh. Excuse me.

-How're you doin'?

-Pretty good. How 'bout yourself?

Can't complain.

What floor?

-Depends on where you're headed with all this food.

-Fifteen.

-Hospitality suite.

-Yeah.

Hmm. Me too.

On 16.

Oh. Yeah.

-This is it?

-Hi, Larry.

This is f***ing it?

What do you mean, "This is f***ing it"?

Of course it's it.

-What'd you expect?

-Phil, buddy, the operative word was "suite."

Hospitality suite,

not hospitality closet.

There's no room in here.

It's the best

I could do.

Where do you expect people

to stand, out in the hall?

What are you bitching about?

It's on the 16th floor. Look at the view.

Phil, man, we're

in Wichita, Kansas.

What does it matter whether we're on

the first floor or the 500th floor?

It all looks the same.

Next time you make

the arrangements.

-Murdoch would have had a room four times this size.

-Oh, yeah?

-Murdoch's not here, is he?

-You can say that again.

At least we have something

to jump off of when nobody shows.

-F*** you, Larry.

-See? That's what I get for having aesthetic values.

Foul language

thrown in my face.

You know Bob

from Research?

-Sure, I know Bob. How you doing there, Bob?

-Hi.

He's on the phone

to his wife.

I only hope his wife

does most of the talking.

We've got to conserve

what little oxygen we have.

-What is this?

-What does it look like?

-You tell me.

-It's hors d'oeuvres.

-You call these hors d'oeuvres?

-Don't start with me, Larry.

Phil, buddy, these

are not hors d'oeuvres.

I don't know what that is.

Carrot sticks, celery sticks,

cup of ranch dressing...

and an overgrown

cheese ball?

This-This whole thing was

spur-of-the-moment. You know it.

-Do you know what the tool and dye outfit is serving?

-I don't wanna know.

Shrimp, my friend.

Jumbo shrimp on ice.

Oysters on the half shell.

All these weird kind of French cheeses.

These little puff pastries. That's hors

d'oeuvres, Phil, my friend of many years.

Downstairs they wouldn't let a celery stick

near the place. They'd check it at the door.

-Then go eat downstairs.

-I just might have to.

Jesus Christ!

Bob, can you believe this?

-It looks okay to me.

-That's exactly my point. You don't know anything.

No offense, but how many of these

things have you been to?

-Just one.

-This one, right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, that's what I thought.

Who knows, Phil?

Maybe we'll get lucky...

and everyone that walks through the door

tonight will be a first-timer like Bob.

Is there a problem?

No.

There's no problem.

Oh, catching up on your technical

reading there, Phil?

Mind your own business,

Larry.

I'm not condemning.

I'm just saying I noticed.

You should have seen the girl

that sat next to me on the plane.

-Pretty?

-I should say so. And built.

And... wearing

a business suit.

That's right. You like 'em

in business suits.

There's something about a woman

in a business suit that drives me wild.

It's as if they'rev all tied up

in this neat little package...

Just waiting for someone to come along

and pull the cord that sets everything free.

A woman in a business suit

is my idea of art.

What about you, Bob? What kind of

woman's attire gets your motor running?

-I'm sure I couldn't tell you.

-No favorites, huh?

Uh, I try not

to think about it.

You try not?

I- I'm married.

Of course you're married. We're all

married. Even Phil was married at one time.

I'm just asking you in which direction

your tastes run.

I... I don't know.

Oh.

Let me, uh, ask you a question there, Bob,

seriously.

-What's that?

-Are you gay?

-Larry!

-What? I'm just asking.

He seems to be missing one of the fundamental

characteristics of the American male,

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