The Big Kahuna Page #2

which I could understand if you were...

you know... but you're not.

Aren't you married?

I just see no reason to let my eyes

go wandering when God's...

given me a wonderful woman

to be my wife.

Oh, I see.

You're a spiritual man.

-That's a part of it.

-So do they blind you when you get saved?

Jesus said if you look at a woman with lust,

it's the same as committing adultery.

He did?

He must have never seen a woman in

a business suit. If He had, who knows?

We might have a different kind of religion,

one where lusting is a sacrament.

Hey! I thought you weren't interested

in my hors d'oeuvres.

I'm just tasting, Phil.

I'm not actually partaking.

I'm just gonna make sure

that nobody's gonna gag.

Well, don't eat

the whole thing up.

-You know why you're here, don't you, Bob?

-No. Not exactly.

Jesus Christ. No wonder this company

is spiralling into the sh*t can.

-You're here for cosmetic purposes.

-What do you mean?

You're here

to represent research.

Technical support.

The brains of the company.

-Me?

-Absolutely.

-But I don't have that much experience.

-That doesn't matter.

You, as a person, don't really matter.

It's what you represent.

Am I supposed to

be doing anything?

Nope. Just stand there and look wise,

or sit. It's entirely up to you.

You'll do fine, Bob.

Jeez, I hope so.

You know, when you think about it,

to tell the truth,

nobody's really here.

You think you see people walkin' around

those hallways? You don't.

What you see is functions.

That's the nature of a convention.

What Larry means is, um,

if you look at it in the standpoint

of why we're here,

what we are is more important

than who we are.

Well, that seems

kind of impersonal.

Of course

it's impersonal, Bob.

Why do you think they hold conventions

in places like this?

Is there anything about this place

that smacks of personality to you?

Still,

it seems a shame.

It's not a shame, Bob.

-So who do they have you working for these days?

-Uh, Professor Young.

-Jim Young?

-Yeah. You know him?

We've met.

-Tremendous guy.

-Oh, really?

How so?

He's got...

what, 20, 30 patents?

I think he's even

a deacon in his church.

And all that

makes him tremendous?

Well, the patents alone.

Listen, Bob, no offense. I can see

that you admire the man and all.

But let me tell you a little something

about Jim Young.

-What's that?

-He's an idiot!

-What?

-He's a moron, Bob.

-I wouldn't trust the guy to wax my car.

-How can you say that?

I've met him, remember? I've gotten an

earful of Jim on more than one occasion.

I can tell you for a fact

the guy is full of sh*t.

I don't think so.

I work with him every day.

Maybe you just don't know

what to look for.

Maybe I just have

different standards.

Listen, Bob. You got a minute?

I wanna tell you something.

Sure.

There are people

in this world, Bob,

who look very official

while they're doing what they're doing.

-And do you know why?

-Why?

Because they don't know

what they're doing.

If you know what you're doing, you don't have to

look like you know what you're doing.

-It comes naturally. You follow me?

-Sure.

Okay. So now, do you know how you

can tell the difference?

No.

All right,

the way you tell is...

a little voice pops up

in the back of your mind...

to say that this guy

who's sitting before me, or she,

is lying through his teeth

and telling me stories.

Now, once you get

that little piece of information,

what do you do?

Uh... Uh, I don't know.

Here's what I would do.

I would say, "Buddy, I've heard a lot

of horseshit in my time,

"'cause God knows

I'm a salesman...

"and we all have to wade through our

share of the snow to get to the cabin,

"but you...

take the cake.

"I don't believe you have the first idea

what you're talking about.

"Your children admire you,

I'm sure,

"as we all hope they do,

"and maybe your wife

doesn't know,

"but I know,

"and my knowledge forces me

to call you on the fact...

that you are a goddamn cocksucking liar

from the word go!"

And then I would sit down

and finish my soup.

You would not.

Phil, have you or have you not ever heard

or seen me doing what we were just talking about?

Yes.

There.

Do you see?

That's why there's hope, Bob,

because there's people like me who listen.

-When was this?

-What do you mean, "when"?

Are you doubting a man that sits reading

Penthouse to expand his mind?

Are you gonna

question that?

It was a couple years ago. We were

having lunch with a purchasing agent.

You see?

-You actually said that?

-Word for word.

It was not word for word.

In principle, Phil.

I'm speaking to the boy

in principle because, after all,

he's a bright young man and he understands

the meaning of a concept.

So what happened?

Well, what do you think

happened?

What would you expect

to have happened?

Well, the guy got angry.

The guy got furious.

He just sat there through the rest of the meal,

fuming, not saying a word.

D-Did you lose

the account?

Of course we lost

the account.

You can't speak to a man like that

and expect to keep the account.

And if you do,

if you say that to a man

and he puts down his fork...

and he says, "Bob,

"you are absolutely right.

"I have been faking like I know what I'm

talking about from the moment I sat down,

"and I'm sorry.

"Not to you, because I don't owe you

anything, but to myself.

"Because I want to be the best

human being I can possibly be,

and I want to be honest

above all else."

Then you forget about the account,

about everything.

You shave your head,

put on a saffron robe,

you sell pictures of this guy

at the airport,

because he has no fear

and he's just proved it.

He deserves

to be worshipped.

Wow.

"Wow" is right, Bob.

"Wow" sums it up quite nicely.

I mean, I can't believe

you actually said that.

I mean, I can't believe

you actually said that.

-Do yourself a favor, Bob.

-What's that?

-Don't ever become one of those people.

-No, I wouldn't.

I don't want to have to confront you

one day like I did that other guy,

but I will, for your own good,

because I like you.

Sure.

-You all right, Bob?

-Yeah. I just need to use the restroom.

-Want me to fix you something while you're

on the throne? -No. I just need to go.

-Who wound you up?

-Nobody wound me up.

I'm just excited, that's all.

We're gonna do some business tonight, Phil.

There's business in the air.

Do you smell it?

It's the kind of air that makes

account ledgers grow.

There's only one account ledger

that matters to us tonight.

We're gonna get that one too.

You watch.

Fuller's gonna come

walking through that door.

He's gonna take

one look around.

He will be

so overwhelmed...

with the fact that he's

on the 16th floor overlooking...

all of Wichita like some ancient king

surveying his fiefdom,

Larry predicts, that he will say,

"You talk to me about moxie?

"Anybody with

the aesthetic wherewithal...

"to pick this, of all places,

for a hospitality suite...

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