The Big Kahuna Page #3

"must certainly have the right line of

industrial lubricants for my plant in Gary.

"What would it take to get you guys

to sell me everything you could make?

"How much can I pay you

personally,

as a bribe?"

-He's gonna say all that, is he?

-Word for word.

You know what I'm gonna say to him?

"Mr. Fuller, you are absolutely right.

"We do have the right line of industrial

lubricants for your application,

"and I personally would be proud

to handle the account myself.

"But there is one thing

I ask of you... as a favor,

to help us

get better acquainted."

-What's that?

-That you take me as your concubine.

Or Phil, if you think

he's better looking.

You really think

he's gonna go for us?

-He has to, Phil.

-What if he doesn't?

-If he doesn't go for us?

-Yeah.

What we do is we get up tomorrow morning,

pack our bags, catch the breakfast flight home,

wander into the office

around half past 2:00,

and then we hang ourselves

in the bathroom by our ties.

You... Do you know

what he looks like?

-No. You?

-I haven't the foggiest.

-What about Bob?

-Bob.

-How's Bob gonna know what he looks like?

-Oh, yeah.

It doesn't matter. That's one of

the great things about conventions.

All God's "chillen" wear name tags,

especially a guy like this.

He probably had one especially made in neon.

"Dick Fuller, President.

Nickname:

El Kahuna Grande."

I'm only hoping

he's wearing a ring I can kiss.

-Phil, what is that?

-It's a coat rack.

-I know it's a coat rack! What's it doing in here?

-It's for coats.

Who the hell's gonna bring a coat?

We're all in the same damn hotel.

Get it out of here. There's little

enough room in here as it is.

I wanted to be prepared.

If I don't have a coat rack, you're gonna

say, "Phil, where's the coat rack?"

Now we know where it is.

It's out in the hall.

Is he all right

in there?

-I don't think he's feeling very well.

-Really? How come?

Maybe it's nerves.

-Or maybe he just couldn't take the likes of you.

-What?

Especially when you come at him

with both barrels like that.

What, me? Nah.

I was just talkin' to him.

-He's a good kid.

-'Course he's a good kid.

I wouldn't waste my time

with him if he wasn't.

The last thing I need to do is grease

another a**hole for the lubricant industry.

Besides, he reminds me

of you in a lot of ways.

-He reminds you of yourself.

-But I take after you, so it all works out.

I don't want any of these bozos

making long-distance calls.

Well, take it

off the bill.

Or who knows? Maybe he's just basking

in the experience.

-Going to the bathroom?

-Yeah. Have you been in there yet?

-No. Why?

-It's terrific, man.

It's the only thing I like about this place.

They got a spotlight over the john.

That and there's mirrors

on three sides,

so you can actually watch yourself

wiping your own ass.

Is that a major goal

of yours?

It's something everybody should experience

at least once in their lifetime.

Do you realize what the ancient

kings of Egypt would have given...

if they'd been able to watch themselves

wiping their own asses?

Plenty, but they couldn't because

the technology was unavailable.

-They had mirrors.

-Oh, hand mirrors, Phil.

Little bitty jobs.

You try watching yourself

wiping your own ass with a hand mirror.

You might...

You can't see anything.

You might as well

be watching somebody else.

No, no, to do it right you need

the full-fledged wall-to-wall mirrors.

Then you get

the total picture.

Reminds you you're not much different

than anybody else when it comes down to it.

-Gives you a sense of humility.

-Whatever you say.

Oh!

The door is jammed.

-I put a call in.

-Oh, Christ.

Hey, you feelin'

any better, Bob?

Yeah, just, uh,

Just a little queasy is all.

-Did Phil have you working on the floor all day?

-Some of it.

-Workin' the booth?

-Uh, yeah.

No wonder. You should've told him

to go f*** himself.

I hate workin'

the booth.

-I thought it was kind of interesting.

-There's no closet in here.

That's why I got

the coat rack.

Anything's interesting

for a while, Bob.

Dental surgery is interesting

for a while,

but some things

get old in a hurry.

-It's somethin' that has to be done.

-Ah. Well.

There you are, Bob.

Words handed down from on high.

"It's something

that has to be done."

Larry, let me bum

a cigarette off you.

You could ordinarily,

but not anymore.

-I gave it up.

-You did not.

-I swear to God.

-When?

Couple of months ago. And you would, too,

if you knew what was good for you.

F*** you, Larry.

You're not my wife.

You're right, Phil.

I'm not your wife.

And it's good of you

to point that out...

because, as close as we are,

I sometimes forget.

Bob's got more sense

than the two of us put together.

-You've never smoked a cigarette

in your life, have you? -No, I haven't.

-I bet you don't drink either.

-An occasional beer now and then.

-Yeah, but nothin' hard.

-No.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm willing

to bet... I'd even lay money...

that never in your life have you walked

into a strip joint, walked up on the stage,

grabbed the dancer and f***ed her brains out

in front of everybody.

-I never what?

-Jesus Christ, Larry.

Just answer the question,

yes or no.

Just answer the question,

yes or no.

No. I... I've never even been near

a place like that.

See, that's what I'm saying.

You oughta apply for sainthood.

Competition's not as stiff as it used to be.

You got a good chance of gettin' in.

-You Catholic? Episcopalian?

-No.

-Well, what then?

-Uh, Baptist.

Well, that is a problem.

They must have something for people who go

through their lives without doing anything.

-Not as far as I know.

-Damn it. Then it's time to change religions.

Go someplace you're appreciated,

where there's a chance to move up.

-You let me know if it happens.

-You'll be the first.

Remember it was my idea. I get dibs

on the concessions... little plastic statues.

-Where are you going?

-I'm gonna run down to the bar. I'll be right back.

I'll go with you.

Uh, no, no.

You better stay here.

I have to have somebody keep their eye on Larry,

make sure he doesn't sublet the joint.

When you're there, stop on 15, see what it's like

with people who know what they're doing.

That is, if you can live

with the shame.

And bring me back

some shrimp!

What a nut.

-Him or you?

-Him.

The guy cracks me up.

He's not the one I would

call a nut around here.

That's just because you don't know him.

You want a carrot stick?

-How long have you and he worked together?

-Depends on what you mean.

-Do you want a carrot stick?

-No, thanks.

Well, in geologic time,

we just met.

However, in dog years,

we go way back.

How 'bout human years?

-Human years?

-Yeah.

We've known each other a while.

Why do you ask?

-He just strikes me as an interesting guy.

-That's one hell of a guy.

If you're looking for somebody to admire,

pick Phil,

not that a**hole

Jim Young.

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