The Big Kahuna Page #4

How long has he been divorced?

I don't think he is officially, but don't

quote me 'cause I don't really know.

I think it's a shame

he has to get divorced.

Well, he doesn't

have to, Bob.

I mean, he's making a choice

to gain something.

-Like what?

-His freedom, I guess.

Still, it seems like

an awful lot to give up.

Sometimes, Bob, you gotta chew your leg off

to get out of life's traps.

I guess.

Phil's gone through a lot of changes

in the last couple of years,

and I don't just mean

the divorce.

Really? How so?

Well, he used to be a...

I don't know.

One day he'd be ridin' the clouds,

the world was a beautiful place,

and he was just happy

to be in it,

and the next day, you wouldn't even know

you were talkin' to the same person.

It was like somebody

let the air out of him.

You got the impression that at any moment

he could pull out a gun and shoot himself.

And even then,

he was real personable.

He just...

I got the feeling that something

inside of him had kind of... collapsed.

-What can I get you?

-Change for the cigarette machine.

Crown Royal on the house.

Poured one too many.

-No, thanks.

-It's all right, really.

No, no, thank you.

Just the change. Thanks.

Hmm. Things you don't know

about a person.

That's why God gave us eyes

and ears, to find out,

except for some things

that are none of our goddamn business.

Sure.

Ask me whatever you want

about Phil.

I'll be glad to tell you,

if I think you're being sincere.

But don't ask him.

He's been through a lot.

He doesn't need to be pressed.

-How long have you been married, Bob?

-Six months.

-You love your wife?

-Do I love my wife?

Why wouldn't I?

Well, people get married

for a lot of different reasons.

You seem like

a real principled guy to me.

So?

Well, I've known people.

I'm not saying you're one of them.

It's just I've known them

who were real principled,

and then they met somebody else

who was real principled,

and then the two of them

got married,

only to find out one day...

it was their principles

that got married.

The two of them

Just kind of came along for the ride.

Oh.

Love has a lot of counterfeits,

Bob, not to get too deep.

Sure.

Hey, speak of the devil,

where's my shrimp?

Eat a carrot if you're

so goddamned hungry.

Have a cheese ball.

I don't want any cheese ball.

I want some shrimp.

Then call room service

and get some.

I would, but I don't want to embarrass you...

in front of the boy.

Believe me, Larry,

as long as I've known you,

nothing you could possibly say or do

could ever embarrass me in the least.

You see what I have to put up with?

Twelve years now.

But one day, no more.

I'm comin'to work with an Uzi!

You're gonna read about us

in the newspapers the next day.

-You sure I can't fix you something, Bob?

-Maybe just a cola.

-Give me an ashtray.

-All righty.

How 'bout you, Phil? What'll you have,

a Black Russian, martini with a twist?

-I'll have a Seven-Up.

-A Seven-Up?

Seven-Up

with a twist of lime.

You feelin' all right

there, Phil?

-I quit drinking.

-You did? When?

Recently.

Well, I'll be

a son of a b*tch.

I don't smoke, you don't drink, and Bob

wouldn't think of lusting after a woman.

Between the three of us,

we're practically Jesus.

Which reminds me,

who's gonna bar tend tonight?

-I figured Bob would.

-Me?

-Yeah. You mind?

-Like I said, I'm not accustomed to drinking hard liquor.

Nobody's asking you

to drink it, Bob.

-We're asking you to serve it.

-I won't know what I'm doing.

It doesn't matter. You pour stuff

in a glass. Now you know bartending.

What about the formulas?

Formulas?

They're called recipes.

We'll send out for a book.

That's all.

What if somebody

wants something exotic?

The only reason people order exotic drinks

is to show how sophisticated they are.

If they have to tell you how to mix it,

it's all the better. It makes them feel like experts.

Plus Larry and I are gonna

have our hands full.

The brains of the company

will try.

That's all we ask for, Bob,

is that you try.

Gentlemen, here's to the profound,

religious experience...

that comes

from doing a job well...

-and being grossly underpaid.

-Happy days.

-Happy Jesus.

-Happy...

Amen.

-What time is this thing

supposed to start tonight? -7:00.

You hungry?

-I could probably eat, I guess.

-What do you feel like?

Maybe we oughta go

on downstairs.

Yeah, that's exactly

what we'll do.

We'll go downstairs,

fill our bellies full of hotel food.

We'll "oogle" the waitresses

a little... or not.

And then we'll come back up here

and we'll show Bob the ropes.

We'll teach him what it's like

to do business.

-I'm looking forward to it.

-You think you're ready for the big time, Bob?

I guess there's only

one way to find out,

and that's to throw me in the water,

see if I can swim.

You're missing the point. We're about to

throw you off a cliff and see if you can fly.

-You got a tag on your pants.

-I just bought it.

-Take the little strings off.

-Jesus Christ. You got any scissors?

The brains of the company

will try.

You are saved!

You are saved!

There you go!

We save with Jesus!

Drinks for everyone.

Line 'em up. Line 'em up,

boys and girls.

You need a light?

-So...

-Yeah, you want a gin fixer.

Did you say gin buck

or gin fix?

It's...

What did you want?

Uh... I'll give you this,

some of this.

Phil?

Phil, Phil, Phil!

Do you know what time it is?

-I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

-It's 9:
30!

-So what?

-We started at 7:00. He's not coming!

-He said he'd be here.

-Well, he's kidding, because he's not here.

-What do you want me to do?

-Act a little concerned.

-I'm concerned.

-Really? Because you hide it really well.

Well...

Just... have faith,

would ya?

Just once.

Have fa... Ha...

Have faith?

Have faith.

Hey, thanks a lot,

buddy.

This is the finest champagne.

That son of a b*tch...

That son of a b*tch...

talked to me about basketball

for nearly two hours.

All he did was exhibit...

that he doesn't know

the first thing about the game.

What? You think you can get me

a smaller glass?

-How 'bout a little thimble or somethin'?

-They're all dirty.

Give me that bottle.

That's what I love

about these things...

it kills me

about these things...

is that you get a guy away

from his wife for a couple days.

You pour a couple

drinks into him,

he, all of a sudden, becomes

the world's foremost expert on sports.

That's why God

created wives, Bob.

So that they could show men

when they're bein' a**holes.

You get a guy away

from his wife...

for any length of time,

and he hasn't the first idea

how to behave.

Take it from me.

The Bible said God created Eve

as a helpmate.

-As a what?

-A helper...

suitable

to meet his needs.

I don't know anything about that, Bob,

but what I do know is this:

God created women

to be mirrors...

so a man could see

what an ass he is.

I mean, you talk to me

about souls?

A man does not know

what his soul looks like,

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote