The Big Kahuna Page #5

hasn't any idea

what his soul looks like...

until he gazes into the eyes of the woman

that he's married to.

And then, if he's any kind

of decent human being,

he spends the next

couple days throwin' up.

Because no man...

no honest man...

can stand that image.

Go ahead, take your shoes off and

be comfortable. Everybody's gone.

I thought you said you

didn't like being married.

Well, I didn't,

but that doesn't mean

I don't recommend it.

There's a lot of things in this life, Bob,

that are good for you...

that are not

necessarily pleasant.

Like circumcision.

Well, it's about time.

Where the hell have you been?

What do you mean,

where the hell have I been?

While you've been sittin' here, strokin' every

swingin' dick that walked through that door,

I've been in search

of the Grand Kahuna!

-The what?

-The savior, Bob.

El presidente.

The man who, with one small utterance,

one tiny ejaculation of sound,

could make this company

big with child.

Did you find him?

Phil, use your intuition

here for a second.

Use that God-given gift you have

for smelling out the truth of a situation.

-Do I look as though I found him?

-No.

Good.

You still have it.

Who are you guys

talking about?

We're talking about the Grand Kahuna, Bob.

The Great White Wha...

-Did you ever read The Old Man and the Sea?

-No.

Then forget about it.

We're talking about a man

who represents, as an entity,

the largest single account this company has

or probably ever would have seen.

-Potential account.

-It's good of you to point that out.

Potential.

What could have been.

Because it was our job,

compadres,

to turn that potentiality

into reality,

to have it show up in the coffers,

to court this gentleman,

to promise him favors, if necessary,

to get him on our side.

But did we succeed in this regard or

did we fail? Let's see a show of hands.

-We'll be all right.

-Yeah, of course we'll be all right.

Once they drag our bodies from the river

and send our spirits to the moon.

Then, sure.

It's the intermediate stuff.

It's the actual process of being

skinned alive and set fire to.

That's the difficult part.

The rest is duck soup.

You had to go searching

for this guy?

We had to, Bob.

We weren't supposed to.

But yes, we had to.

He was supposed to

have shown up here tonight.

Someone was supposed to have

lured him up here for a drink.

What are you lookin'

at me for?

I done my job.

-You phoned him?

-You're goddamned right I phoned him.

And you spoke to him

direct?

I talked to his secretary.

He was on

a long-distance call.

-She assured me that he'd be here.

-She assured you?

Guess what.

She was joking!

She probably had her secretary friends gathered

around the speaker phone, saying,

"Watch this."

-I bet she does stand-up on the side.

-Something probably happened.

I think it's rather obvious

that something "happened."

-Maybe he just pulled up sick at the last minute.

-Oh, no, he's here.

No, I've heard his name bandied about

all night long in the present tense.

He's here, my friends.

He just isn't here!

If you get

my subtle nuance.

Well...

we just have to...

figure out some other way,

is all.

Phil, are you deaf?

We lost the man.

He was invited, but he did not come.

We're like the dinosaurs

when the climate changed.

There is no longer any reason

for us to roam the Earth.

Why can't you just

schedule an appointment...

and go and see him?

You don't schedule

an appointment with this guy.

He's the president.

He refers you to his people.

-Why not go see his people?

-Because they're all d*ldos, every single one of them.

Sometimes you have to

go past the smaller minds.

You have to cozy up to someone

a little higher on the ladder who says,

"I would really like to try

some of this new product.

Either buy some and try it

or get the f*** out because you're fired!"

Gonna put another call

into his secretary in the morning.

Phil, are you not hearing

a word I'm saying?

I realize it's human nature to think we stand

another chance with this guy, but it's fantasy.

We're gonna go back to Chicago tomorrow,

and Evans is gonna say,

"Hey, Phil, Larry, Bob,

"come into my office.

"I have something

for you.

Bend over."

So what do you think, Bob?

Do you wanna do this for a living?

-I don't know. I thought it was kind of interesting.

-Oh, yeah? How so?

-You get to hear a lot of interesting stories.

-That you do.

They're far outweighed by the horseshit

that flies across the room all night,

but they're there

to listen for if you want.

Are there always

this many people?

It just looked like a lot of people

'cause the room's so damn small.

-Larry.

-Sorry, the carrot stick's gone to my head.

I met a guy who started

talking to me about dogs.

What about dogs?

Just that he's

always owned one.

He told me that one way or the other,

he's owned a dog his entire life,

most of them

German Shepherds.

That's not that unusual.

A lot of people have dogs.

Oh, I know, but that got us started

on all sorts of things.

Turns out he had to have his last one

put to sleep 'cause it bit someone.

So then he started telling me about

the one before that...

and the one before that.

And before we knew it, we traced

his entire life in this series of dogs.

Mostly German Shepherds.

I wish to hell

Murdoch was here.

Who's Murdoch?

Dale Murdoch.

The best damn marketing rep

this company has ever seen.

God, Jesus,

what a talent.

-Successful?

-More than just successful.

This guy,

he had the gift.

You know how, like, when you're watching

athletes do what they're doing.

They're remembering something they've always

known, instead of something they had to learn.

That's what it was like with Murdoch,

except only with people.

-Where is he now?

-Who, Murdoch?

-Yeah.

-He's gone on to his great reward.

Yeah, I heard he was down

in Florida somewhere.

Last I heard, somebody had said that

he had a whole chain of Burger Kings.

I wouldn't doubt it if it was the biggest

goddamn chain in the state.

But the days of Murdoch

are behind us.

Now it's the days

of Larry and Phil.

Phil and Larry

and Bob,

three guys who are about

to be royally f***ed up the ass.

We'll be all right.

Oh, you think so, huh?

-Sure.

-Well, I hope you're right, for our sake,

because letting Mr. Fuller slip through

our fingers could be construed...

as an act of incompetence.

It makes us look

pretty damn bad.

-Did you say Fuller?

-Yeah.

-Dick Fuller?

-Yeah. Dick, Richard.

-Why, you know him?

-That was the guy I was talking to.

What are you...

What?

-The guy with the dogs! That was Dick Fuller.

-Oh, get out of here.

I'm serious.

Look, he even gave me his card.

-Oh, you son of a b*tch!

-Let me see it.

-I thought you checked everybody's name tag.

-I did.

Anybody that wasn't wearing a name tag,

I came right out and said, "What's your name?"

-He wasn't wearing his name tag.

-What?

He wasn't wearing his own.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote