The Big Noise

---

- What's the matter?

- Hartley again.

That fellow from Los Angeles

wants to register another invention.

- What is it this time?

- It's an explosive.

Says it'll make a 2000-pound

blockbuster...

...sound like a popgun.

- Well, that's more sensible...

...than most of his ideas.

- Yes.

Take a look at these.

All Hartley inventions.

And we practically have a whole room

in the storehouse devoted to his models.

This is the first one. A mask to be used

while eating grapefruit.

And get this one.

This is a dilly.

A motorized toothbrush,

guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Oh, you're taking him too seriously.

Well, I'm going to take

his bomb idea...

...up with the chief

of the Ordnance Department.

What have you got that fan on for?

- Turn it off.

- Oh, I'm feeling fine.

The fan. Turn it off.

The...

Now you've ruined

a whole morning's work.

- I'm sorry, son. What's eating you?

- lf you want to know the truth, Father...

...I'm annoyed.

I haven't heard from the government.

Maybe Washington's tired

of hearing from Hartley.

- There's a war on.

But that's just the point.

My invention would shorten the war

by months, maybe years.

The government should welcome it

with open arms.

I'm 4-F, this is the only way

that I can contribute to the war effort...

...and do something for my country.

- My boy, I honor you for it.

Well do I remember the charge

up San Juan Hill.

Into the Valley of Death

go the 600.

- My sacroiliac.

- Oh, you should be more careful.

And your history is bad.

That's my private phone.

I wonder who that can be.

- Hello.

Western Union calling.

Western Union?

We have a message

for Mr. Alva P. Hartley.

- Is he there?

- Yes?

The message is from Washington...

...and is signed,

"Paterson, director of Patent Office."

Yes, yes, go on.

Very much interested

in your invention.

War Department says

it has great possibilities.

Guard it with your life.

Forward all details and formula...

...and samples,

as soon as tests are completed.

Well, thank you.

Thank you very much.

My explosive. They've even taken

the matter up...

...with the War Department.

Probably chief of Ordnance.

- Spies, enemy spies.

- Yes.

And they said I was to protect

this invention with my very life.

Detectives, that's the ticket. I must have

someone to guard this every minute...

...until I can get it off to Washington.

Let me see, detective agency...

- Come in.

- It's the telephone.

Never mind, I'll answer it.

Hello. Jones Detective Agency.

What?

I'm sorry, sir,

but I can't understand a word you...

Will you stop that noise?

- I never said a word.

- Well, cut that machine off.

- Not you, sir. No, sir.

- I have something of great importance...

...in my possession

which must be guarded night and day.

- I want two of your best men at once.

- I'm sorry sir, that will be impossible.

You see, our manager's in Sacramento

with a habeas corpus.

And all of our best detectives,

who are not in the armed forces...

...are busy guarding

government property.

But this is a government matter. In fact,

it has been suggested by Washington...

...that I take these precautions.

It will only be for a few days.

Money is no object.

And the men will be treated

like members of the family.

Pleasant surroundings, best of food.

Well, sir, you're in luck.

I'm happy to inform you

that two of our best detectives...

...have just entered the office.

And I'll send them right over.

- Where to?

- 32 Elm Road.

32 Elm Road.

I'll send them over immediately.

Goodbye.

- What two detectives entered the office?

- You and me.

Stanley, this is our opportunity.

We took this job as janitors...

...to become detectives, didn't we?

We've been going to night school...

...studying for eight months

to be detectives, haven't we?

- You wanna be a detective, don't you?

- Sure, but I don't think I'll make it.

- Why not?

- Well, you see, l...

I don't know what that word,

"habeas corpus" means.

Habeas cor...

Why, Habeas Corpus is a name

of a town in Texas.

In Texas? Well, what's the boss doing

up in Sacramento...

...when Habeas Corpus is in Texas?

Oh, now, don't bother about that.

You run over to the room...

...and pack some of our things.

- We're gonna be on this job a long time.

- That ought to settle things.

That's the biggest agency in town.

Oh, Aunt Sophie...

...the smartest detectives

are coming to guard my invention.

They'll stay here,

so make all the arrangements.

- Are they young and good-looking?

- How the dickens should I know?

Men. That's all you ever think about.

A person would think...

...a woman who had had five husbands

would take a little rest.

- And they were good husbands too.

- Yes, and they're all dead.

- What did he say the address was?

- 32 Elm Road.

Are you sure we're on the right street?

All you've gotta do

is read the street sign.

- What does it say?

- I can't read it. I haven't got my glasses.

- Here, hold this. I'll climb up and I'll see.

- Never mind, I'll climb up.

You couldn't read it if you got up there,

glasses or no glasses.

Give me a lift.

Hey, Ollie,

you don't have to bother now.

This is the right street, all right.

It says so on the curb.

- What happened?

- We won't go into that.

Oh, well, if you don't want to tell me,

we'll just skip it.

I don't c...

Oh, look, there's 32.

We were right here.

Isn't that silly?

You don't just walk

into places like this.

They can't hear you knocking.

Here, you talk into this.

- Hello.

- Oh, you've got to blow into it first.

Beware.

Disaster befalls all who enter

these dread portals.

- What did you say?

- I didn't say anything.

Why, I'm positive

I heard you say something.

- Maybe I was talking to myself.

- Well, shut up and come on.

Come on.

I'll ring.

- Why can't I ring?

- All right, go ahead and ring.

You never think I can do anything.

- Doesn't ring.

- Well, knock.

Come in.

When you knock,

you don't say, "Come in."

- The man inside says, "Come in."

- But I didn't knock.

What do you mean you didn't knock?

I distinctly heard you knock.

- l...

- Oh, get out of the way, I'll do it.

- See?

- Don't point, it's rude.

How do you do, sir?

I'm Mr. Hardy,

from the Jones Detective Agency...

...and this is my colleague, Mr. Laurel.

Hey.

Oh, yes, yes, certainly.

Come on in.

Thank you. Come, Stanley.

- Sorry.

- Thank you.

- What happened?

- Why, I tripped over the valise...

...coming through the door.

- What for?

Well, I couldn't get my foot...

Oh, never mind what for.

- Well, here we are.

- At your service.

I was just hanging a picture.

I'll explain your duties...

...to you later, gentlemen. Excuse me.

- Yes, sir.

Come in.

- My, what a beautiful picture.

- Yes, that cost a lot of money.

- It's a Van Dyck.

- A what?

Van Dyck.

You know what a Van Dyck is?

Oh, yeah, my uncle had one,

but he had to have it shaved off.

- You see it got...

- Shh.

- What?

- Van Dyck was a painter, not a beard.

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