The Big Noise Page #2

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By the way, what happened to you?

Oh, I had a slight accident

with some paint on our way over.

- I can't get it off.

- Oh, that's nothing.

I'll have that off for you in a jiffy.

- Stand over there, please.

- Yes, sir.

The Hartley Little-Gem Paint-Remover.

One of my many inventions.

I was getting it ready

to send to Washington.

Now, let's see, this knob. That's it.

- Now, don't be frightened.

- No.

Now, there, you'd hardly know

there had been a spot on it.

Gee, that's swell.

That's a wonderful machine.

- Yes, it works both ways.

- Is that so?

You know, necessity is the mo...

My Van Dyck.

Turn it off.

My Van Dyck.

Do you realize

you've ruined my beautiful picture?

The Height of Spring.

Oh, what am I going to do?

You could change the name on it.

You could call it The Depth of Winter.

- That would be a good...

- Mr. Hartley, just what are our duties?

- Come with me.

- Yes, sir.

Bring the bag.

This is my prize possession.

Gentlemen, you are looking

at what I consider...

...the most powerful explosive

in the world today.

- I call it the Big Noise.

- Why?

Because, properly detonated,

it would blow up this entire city.

What do you want us to do with it?

I don't want you to do anything with it,

except to guard it with your lives.

The utmost secrecy must be observed.

If the wrong people learned

what I have in mind...

...and it was discovered, it might

alter the whole course of the war.

Don't worry, Mr. Hartley...

...we'll guard it, even with his life.

- We certainly will.

Good. Now that you gentlemen

know your duties...

...I'll show you to your quarters.

- Thank you.

What's the matter, don't you feel well?

Oh, just another one of my dizzy spells.

Excuse me.

That did it.

I feel much better now.

This is another one of my inventions.

- You know what?

- What?

I've got a clue.

I think Mr. Hartley

is just a little bit cracked.

Well, I ought to know.

All inventors are like that,

they are eccentric.

They're not like you and me.

They're different.

- How do you mean?

- They are just a little bit twisted.

Twisted?

This way, gentlemen.

Now, this is where you sleep.

On the floor?

Oh, I forgot to explain.

This is another one of my inventions.

This is the house of tomorrow.

Five rooms in one,

with every modern convenience.

Your beds.

Step back, gentlemen.

Your washbasin.

Your shower.

And last, but not least...

...your table.

There you are, gentlemen.

All the comforts of home

in a minimum of space.

Very ingenious.

This is your entrance,

and here's your key.

Be sure and keep it locked at all times.

- Oh, oh, Mr. Hartley.

- Yes?

In case you should need us at any time...

...you just blow this whistle...

...and we'll be at your service.

Thank you.

Well, make yourselves at home, boys.

If you care to wash and brush up,

dinner won't be ready for 20 minutes.

Say, there's no soap.

Oh, yes, there is.

The soap is in the water.

- Where you been?

- I got tired of sitting around...

...so I went over.

- Over there?

Wait until I tell you.

The old lady's jewels are peanuts.

That guy's got an explosive

worth a million bucks.

- What do we want with an explosive?

- lf we got ahold of it...

...we could sell it

to some foreign government.

Hey, wait a minute, haven't you guys

got any patriotism?

- That's right, honey.

- So what?

All I'm interested in

is the necklace the old dame bought...

...in New York two years ago.

- The sparklers, that's another 50 grand.

All we've gotta do

is figure some way to get in.

We've been sitting around for a week,

spend a lot of dough...

...but how far are we along now?

- Nowhere.

- I'm tired of this racket.

- We gotta make Hartley's acquaintance...

...in legitimate fashion. That's the only

way we'll get into the place.

- Who's that?

- How should I know?

Go into your butler act,

answer the door.

- Yes?

- Telegram for Miss Charlton.

- Sign here, please.

- Yes.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- It's for you, Mayme.

- For me?

Yeah, your creditors are catching up

with you.

- Holy mackerel.

- What?

My niece. She's coming for a visit and

wants to know if she can stay with us.

I've gotta head her off. I can't let her

walk into a layout like this.

- The kid's on the level.

- Hey, wait a minute.

- She's a pretty girl, isn't she?

- She's the beauty of the family.

This is our card of introduction.

Hartley's a cinch

to fall for a pretty girl.

- Let her come.

- No, I'm not gonna get her...

...mixed-up in this.

- There's no reason...

...why the girl should ever get wise.

Go ahead, wire her to come.

- Oh, well, go ahead, shake it up.

- Oh, all right.

And when the kid does get here,

I want you two to mind your language.

- I don't think it's such a good idea.

- What have you got to think with?

And Mrs. Sophie Manners...

...sister of my deceased wife.

- How do you do?

Well, now that we all know

one another...

...shall we have something to eat?

- That's a very good idea, I'm famished.

- I'm hungry too.

- Good.

We'll start with the turkey.

This is one of my own little inventions,

everything desiccated and dehydrated.

No standing over a hot stove

for hours, no spoilage of food...

...no dirty pots and pans...

No washing dishes all evening long.

A housekeeper's paradise.

Will you have white meat

or dark meat?

- I'd like white meat, please.

- Fine.

Pardon me, I said, white meat.

Oh, how stupid.

Brussels sprouts...

...carrots, mashed potatoes.

- No gravy, please.

Very well, here we are.

Now, Mr. Laurel, what will you have,

white meat or dark meat?

- I'll go for the whole works.

- Splendid.

Don't be so greedy.

Could...? Could I have a second joint?

Oh, of course, of course.

There we are. Brussels sprouts,

carrots, mashed potatoes.

There we are.

What, no cranberry sauce?

Oh, how forgetful of me.

I suppose you'll have hash

tomorrow night.

Oh, that's already taken care of.

Won't you please sit down, gentlemen,

and eat the turkey before it gets cold.

Thank you.

There we are. Brussels sprouts...

...carrots, mashed potatoes.

Could I have a napkin?

Brussels sprouts, carrots,

mashed potatoes.

Here you are, Junior.

- Gee, a neck, as usual.

- You must have your vitamins.

Are you kidding?

I'm capsule-happy now.

Don't wipe your gravy on me.

I don't like sprouts.

The mashed potatoes are good.

Idaho.

- Do you mind if I sit with you, boys?

- Why, it's our pleasure.

Move over, Stanley.

Move over.

Sit right down.

- Are you on a diet?

- I have to watch my girlish figure.

I got a bone stuck in my throat.

You should be more careful.

Don't bolt your food, Grandpa.

Good thing it wasn't the drumstick.

He always does that,

especially when we have fish.

Could I have another second front...?

Joint?

Don't eat too much,

better leave room for dessert.

- Have one, Stanley.

- What are they?

- Bicarbonate.

- Thank you, Ollie.

- Excuse me.

- Not at all.

- That's quite all right, Stanley.

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