The Blackout Page #4

with my grandmother.

She used to keep a big bottle

of vodka in her closet, and I'd--

I'd sneak in there

and watch her drink it...

and wonder what her fascination

with that bottle was.

There's lots

of opportunities to--

- Thanks.

- use...

forbidden illegal substances

on motion picture movie sets.

Because of their

availability and...

acceptance

that it was sort of...

something that was okay to do,

I started to do that myself.

I didn't think I ever

recognized it as a problem...

until I started finding it hard

to look at myself in the mirror...

'cause I didn't know who

I was lookin'at anymore.

So how'd it go?

Where's the water?

I'll go back out.

I'll go get it.

- Let me go back.

- You only bought stuff for yourself.

Well, I forgot. I'm sorry.

I'll go back out and get it now.

All right. Stay here first.

Get the coin or not?

- You did?

- They tell you everything?

No, not everything.

How do you know

that I got a coin?

Well, it's one year, right?

Here you go.

- That's it?

- Yeah.

- My Olympic medal.

- That's one year sober.

Like this.

- It's real, right?

- Yeah.

- That's really cool.

- ''To thine own self be true.''

So, you proud of yourself?

- Yeah, I'm proud, yeah.

- Yeah.

So, you gonna be good

when I'm gone?

Where you goin'?

You know, I gotta go on this trip

tomorrow for three days.

You gonna be good?

Three days?

Of course, I'll be good.

- Promise?

- I promise.

Did you ever think about

seein' a psychiatrist?

Maybe after I'm through

with your therapy.

You got an office

down here in a bunker.

I think I could find Hitler

hidin' around here someplace.

Have you ever declared

your love to her?

Yeah. It's funny that I should

send her letters and try to--

I've tried to let her

off the hook...

so that she doesn't have to feel

responsible for the things she did.

We can get on with our life,

but she--

How old is your mother?

She doesn't write me back.

She doesn't call me.

She doesn't--

She's not willing to--

So, she's like Annie?

Now that you mention it,

she is a bit like her.

- How old is your mom?

- Sixty-four.

Have you had thoughts about the day

when she would die?

Absolutely.

How do you feel about that?

I feel like it would be a relief...

that she'd finally be off the hook.

What was different about

your relationship with Annie...

than your relationship with Susan?

Susan doesn't get high.

Susan doesn't drink.

Susan doesn't-- Susan doesn't--

She's like a health food store.

She's like a health food store.

So what do you think about that?

It's healthy.

So you don't think

very much of it?

You dismiss her?

I don't dismiss her.

I appreciate her.

But you're sarcastic

when you refer to her.

Yeah.

So there's a part of you that

wants to bury Annie once and for all?

Yeah.

How do you want to do that?

I want her to say good-bye.

I want her to--

I want her to cut that cord.

I want her to cut

that umbilical cord.

So she's got to do it, not you?

- You're the passive one here.

- Well, yeah.

- What?

- Yeah.

Do you consider yourself

a passive person?

A baby doesn't cut

his own cord, does he?

You're the helpless baby?

- Yeah, I guess so.

- Yeah?

So you don't want

to take charge of your life?

- I can't--

- I can't?

I don't have the tools

to cut the cord.

Annie has the tools?

What is it?

What is it?

Honey, what is it?

When I was a little girl,

I also had bad dreams.

My grandmother

took me to church.

It was really scary,

because it was really dark...

and there was a priest

with a long beard.

He really scared me.

And he put his big, black robe

around me, you know.

And he read the Bible to me,

and all my bad dreams went away.

You think I should go

to see a priest?

Well, you could tell me.

Maybe it'll help.

Tell me.

Tell me. You can tell me.

Yes, you can.

Please, Matty. Tell me.

Come on.

Why did you come?

Why are you here?

'Cause I'm having bad dreams.

What are those dreams like?

They're dreams of death.

Dreams of--

Very violent dreams.

When you say violent,

in what way are they violent?

I say and do things in the dreams...

that I know I wouldn't do,

that I know I'm not capable of doing.

But they're so real

and so vivid that...

they feel as though

I've actually done them.

Can you give me an example

of a dream like that?

What's the last dream you've had

that was upsetting?

That Annie was pregnant...

and I--

that I...

took my hands and...

choked her to death.

So, in your mind

you're a murderer.

Not in my mind.

In my nightmares.

In your nightmares.

If I could just speak to her--

If you could get her to call here--

- She doesn't want to speak to you.

- Why?

I don't know, but it's obvious.

So she's out of your life.

But you're hanging onto

this painful thought.

Not only are you missing her

and feeling the pain of that...

but you're going yourself

one better--

you're telling yourself

that you killed her.

Maybe that's what I want to do.

That's a nice intellectualization.

That way I could get her

out of my life.

If I could just kill the b*tch,

then she'd be gone.

You already think you did.

Where are you gonna find Annie?

Miami.

Is that a question or an answer?

Miami is an answer.

Maybe she's still down there.

What prevents you

from going to Miami?

Nothing.

What do you mean, 90 percent of my work

is seen on television?

What do you mean, 90 percent of my work

is seen on television?

Yeah, after it comes out on video

and the ABC, NBC, CBS bullshit.

I'm flattered that he came to me first,

but I don't give a sh*t.

When was the last time

one of his movies made any money?

And now you're trying to push me into

a TV series so I don't have a career.

Look at the people I've worked with.

Have I ever cared about money?

Why would I start being interested

in money at this point in my life?

Seventy-five grand a week?

Just a minute. What?

Did he say 7 5,000?

He said $7 5,000 a week.

Wow, that's a lot of money.

Susan thinks that $7 5,000 a week

is a lot of money.

Well, $7 5,000 is a lot of money...

if I wanted to be

a television actor.

Yeah, thank you.

- Tell him that. Schmuck.

- What did he say?

What did he say, Matty?

It's not really

any of your business.

It's,just, you know--

What do you mean ?

- It's none of my business?

- How much did this painting cost?

- Why?

- Let's talk about this, not that.

Because this is your business,

and that is my business.

And you're talking

about my business?

What is this, a basin people used

to wash their faces in?

- I mean, who cares?

- Great. Yeah. Thanks.

Come on.

What did he say?

He said to mind

your own f***ing business.

- You have to go back to work sometime.

- I know I have to go back to work!

I know that. I know that.

You don't think that I know that

I have to go back to work sometime?

- Let's go.

- Don't be like this.

Like what? Stop treating me

like you're some prison warden.

I don't want to leave it

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