The Bonfire of the Vanities

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Fallow arriving, area A. Do you copy?

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Hi, Mr. Fallow. Welcome.

3

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Hi, so nice to see you!

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Careful with that!

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We're in a bit of a rush...

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so let's hop on the cart and get going.

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There are a lot of people waiting.

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We're so honored to have you.

9

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This is really

an historic occasion, Peter.

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Mr. Fallow, I'd like

to take this private moment...

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to tell you how much I admire your book.

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When Faulkner was asked

to recommend three novels, he said:

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"Anna Karenina, Anna Karenina,

Anna Karenina."

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Today, he'd say:

"The Real McCoy and the Forgotten Lamb.

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"The Real McCoy and the Forgotten Lamb,

The Real McCoy and..."

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I know you've heard it a million times...

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but the scene where the mayor is hit

in the head with the mayonnaise jar...

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Well, to be continued.

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Right this way.

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I've got Mr. Fallow.

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Get away!

This should never have happened.

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I'm so sorry.

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Right this way, Mr. Fallow.

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We're just going through these two doors.

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We're on our way.

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But I must say, if I may quote you...

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Look at all the busy bees.

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If I may quote you...

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"How in the name of God...

Who in the name of God...

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"would bring a half-eaten jar

of mayonnaise to a public meeting?"

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Ambassador!

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I'm Charles Buchanan. This is my wife,

Stephanie, and my daughter.

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Mr. Fallow, I read your book 15 times.

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Next year, next year I'm going

to take a course in it.

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We're going to go up by ourselves.

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Are you hungry?

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That's salmon, but I don't think

you should touch that.

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Mr. Fallow, it's such an honor

to finally meet you.

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Oh, my God!

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Oh, my God!

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We are running a bit late.

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I don't know what to say. Let me see...

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-What's your name?

-Suzanne.

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Are you married?

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Excuse me!

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Excuse me!

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Animals!

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Someone needs deodorant.

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All right, all right, here we go.

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Everything is under control.

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Nothing to worry about.

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Excuse me. I haven't

introduced myself, have I?

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My name is Peter Fallow.

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I am a writer.

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But you know that already.

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Unless you haven't read a newspaper

or seen a TV recently...

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you know exactly who I am.

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I am the man of the moment.

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The hero of the evening.

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Me and a book I happened to write.

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The real hero of the evening

is not even with us tonight.

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We'll come to him in a minute.

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For now, indulge yourself

in the extravagance of the moment...

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and remember, ifyou will,

a phrase from another little best-seller.

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"What does it profit a man if he gains

the whole world and loses his soul?"

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They're waiting.

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This is a story about such a man.

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There he is!

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And it begins on a rainy night

a little over a year ago.

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Our hero, Sherman McCoy,

was about to make a simple phone call.

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But despite the existence of 11 phones

and seven different lines...

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in the 14 rooms

of his $6-million-plus apartment...

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this was a phone call

he could not make at home.

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Gotcha!

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What on earth are you doing?

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I'm taking the dog for a walk.

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You're not taking "the dog" for a walk,

you're taking "Marshall."

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Marshall has a name. He's family.

And, anyway...

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it's raining.

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I know that.

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So does Marshall.

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He doesn't want to go.

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Do you, Marshall?

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Judy...

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All right. Have a nice time.

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He's not happy about it, Mr. McCoy.

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Neither am I, Bill.

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Tony, sir. My name is Tony.

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Well, whatever.

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Let's be men about this.

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Hello, Sherman.

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Good evening, Pollard.

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It's raining, you know.

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I did notice, yes.

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Ah, Sherman, a true friend

to man's best friend.

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Pollard, you old phrase-maker.

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I beg your pardon?

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Is that the best you can do?

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Is that as witty as we get?

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I don't know what you're talking about.

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Furthermore, if you're wet

when you return, take the service elevator.

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