The Boondock Saints Page #13

They laugh.

INT. PRECINCT OFFICE MORNING

Connor cradles the receiver of a pay phone between his cheek

and shoulder. He pockets the pager. As the phone rings, he

readies his pen. The other end of the line picks up and a

thick Russian accent instantly begins speaking. Connor

responds by speaking a few words in Russian before he realizes

it's a recorded message. He begins writing. He hangs up the

phone and smiles as he lights up a cigarette.

INT. POPPA JOE YAKAVETTA'S OFFICE DAY. A.K.A. THE JOKE.

Rocco, still sporting a shiner, enters an office. There are

papers everywhere and it is a cluttered mess of telephones,

filing cabinets, lamps and chairs. Rocco clutches a brown

paper bag as if it is made of gold. POPPA JOE YAKAVETTA,

Rocco's boss, is on the phone. He is in his late forties.

He's always comfortably dressed; sleeves rolled up, collar

unbuttoned.

VINCENZO LIPAZZI swaggers across the office to Rocco. He is

in his late thirties. He goes out of his way to look like

Elvis; open shirt, gold chains and medallions. He is

overweight and has a bouffant hairdo, accompanied by Elvis

shades. Vincenzo flips a half dollar in his hand constantly.

Rocco and Vincenzo hate each other. Yakavetta talks on the

phone.

VINCENZO:

(hushed)

Well, it's the funny man. Give it

here, package boy.

ROCCO:

(a bit defiant)

Joey Bevo said it was important.

Said I had to give it to him myself.

VINCENZO:

(snatching the package)

Gimme the f***in' thing. Now sit the

f*** down!

Rocco obeys like an angry child. Vincenzo puts it in front

of Yakavetta. He sits on a filing cabinet and flips his coin.

Vincenzo giggles and whispers as he pokes fun at Rocco.

The two of them resemble kids behind the teacher's back.

VINCENZO:

(hushed)

I'm Rocco. I'm the funny man. Heee

Hee. I'm so f***in' funny. Hee Hee.

ROCCO:

F*** you Vincenzo.

VINCENZO:

(hushed)

Tell me a joke funny man. Hee Hee.

ROCCO:

I caught your show down at the velvet

room at the Holiday Inn, loved it

when you busted into Viva Las Vegas.

Vincenzo's face drops he gets up and starts walking toward

Rocco. Roc points at him from a seated position. He's scared.

ROCCO:

Hey, hey, hey...

Suddenly Yakavetta jumps to a standing position. He yells.

YAKAVETTA:

F*** you! I could snap my fingers

and have you dead in four hours,

rotting in a truck off of Boyleston!

You insignificant little f***! I

always get my f***in' money!

He slams the phone down. Rocco and Vincenzo are shocked but

try to look composed.

YAKAVETTA:

F***in' 90's are killin' me. I

shouldn't a done that. You're not

supposed to tell a guy you're gonna

kill him anymore. I gotta tip-toe

through the tulips with these

a**holes. I prance. I'm a prancer.

It's what I do... sucked all the fun

right out of this job.

As he speaks he unwraps the wax paper in the bag. Rocco looks

over his shoulder. It's a sandwich. He's embarrassed.

Vincenzo smirks at him.

ROCCO:

Poppa Joe, you want me to go now?

YAKAVETTA:

Yeah. Thanks, Rocco. See ya.

Rocco starts for the door. Vincenzo begins whispering in

Yakavetta's ear.

YAKAVETTA:

Hey, Rocco, wait. Come back here.

ROCCO:

Yeah boss?

Vincenzo continues whispering for a few more seconds, long

enough for Rocco to see. Vincenzo's lips are tight. His teeth

grind.

YAKAVETTA:

I always see you talking to the boys

and making them laugh. They always

come around telling me what a crack

up you are. What is it they call

you?

ROCCO:

(totally intimidated)

The... The funny man.

YAKAVETTA:

The funny man. Well, I got a new job

for you, just for now. Roc, I'm having

a real shitty day. I'm depressed.

Tell me a funny story or a joke.

ROCCO:

(terrified)

Uh. Okay... um... you hear the one

about the, no f*** that one... uh...

oh! oh! Well... sh*t. Okay, there's

a white guy. He's walkin' along the

beach and he finds a, a pot, y'know

and ah, he rubs it and this genie

pops out. But this genie, he's a

ni... he's a black guy.

YAKAVETTA:

He's a n*gger.

ROCCO:

Yeah. And uh, he's pissed off. He

says, "Why you crackers always gotta

find my mother f***in' pot? And he

tells him he's gonna grant all his

three wishes but he's gonna give all

the black guys...

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