The Boy Friend

1

WOMAN:
I COULD BE HAPPY

WITH YOU:

IF YOU COULD BE HAPPY

WITH ME:

I'D BE CONTENTED...

- HERE YOU ARE, POLL.

- OH, OH!

OH, HOLD ON, OH.

HERE YOU ARE.

YOU LOOK AFTER HER.

BUT WHAT ABOU MY MONEY?

HEY!

WHERE'S MY BABY?

SHE'S OVER THERE.

PUT IT ON THE SLATE.

I'LL GET THE SACK

IF THEY'RE LATE AGAIN.

WOMAN:
HURRY UP, THEN.

JUST ALONG THERE.

GOOD AFTERNOON,

MR. AND MRS. PARKHILL.

GOOD AFTERNOON,

LEN.

ALL FOR MRS. P, I'M AFRAID.

MUST BE BILLS, THEN.

THANK YOU, DARLING.

HAS MY OLD MAN SENT ME

MAINTENANCE ORDER, LEN?

I'LL HAVE

A LOOK, LUV.

OH, DEAR OLD PALS,

ENJOY YOUR COMPANY

DISGUSTING!

ALL FOR YOU, DEAR.

ARE YOU SENDING BY POS NOW, LUV?

BETTER THAN:

GIVING IT AWAY!

HELLO, GORGEOUS.

I SUPPOSE I SHOULD BE THANKFUL

FOR SMALL MERCIES. ANYTHING?

NOTHING FOR YOU:

THIS MORNING...

THEY ALL IN YET,

LEN?

ALL IN EXCEP RITA AND TOMMY.

HE WON'T BE LONG. YOU CAN HEAR

HIM COMING A MILE OFF.

PRACTICING, PRACTICING.

DON'T YOU EVER STOP DANCING?

CAN'T, TOOTS. I'M IN TRAINING

FOR MY SECOND BIG BREAK.

SECOND? YOU'RE KIDDING.

WHAT WAS THE FIRST?

DIDN'T YOU EVER HEAR

OF THE BABY TOAST OF BROADWAY?

TINY TOM,

THE TAPPING TOT?

(HUMMING)

HA HA! GREW UP,

DIDN'T YOU?

HA HA! OVERNIGHT.

AND WHO CAN USE A TINY

TOT WHO'S 10 FEET TALL?

HOW ABOU BARNUM & BAILEY?

(LAUGHING)

THEY ALREADY HAD ONE,

AND HE WAS A BEARDED

LADY TO BOOT.

SO I BOOKED:

A ONE-WAY TICKE ON A CATTLE BOA TO MERRY OLD ENGLAND.

BLIMEY! FROM BROADWAY

TO PORTSMOUTH?

BIT OF A COMEDOWN,

ISN'T IT?

A STEPPING STONE,

TOOTS...

A MERE STEPPING STONE

TO STARDOM.

HEY, NOT BAD.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

HERE'S YOUR

STOUT, LUV.

TA.

CHEESE AND CHUTNEY,

RIGHT?

OH, THANKS, POLL. PU IT ON THE SLATE.

TA.

I SEEM TO...

WHO SENT ME THE FLOWERS?

OH, l...

I FORGET.

I BOUGHT ONE APPLE

TOO MANY.

WOULD YOU LIKE IT?

NO, THANKS.

I HAD ONE ALREADY.

MAN:
DEE DEE DEE DA

DEE DEE DEE:

POLL...

I'LL HAVE IT IF

IT'S GOING BEGGING.

RIGHT, LUV.

HERE. YOU HAVE IT.

OH, TA.

5 MINUTES, EVERYONE.

MAN:
DEE DA

DEE DA DEE DAH:

DEE DEE DEE:

AFTERNOON.

HERE'S YOUR GIN.

DON'T YOU KNOCK WHEN YOU ENTER

THE STARS' DRESSING ROOM?

SORRY. THEY DIDN' HAVE SMOKED SALMON.

SO I GOT SALMON:

SHRIMP, ALRIGHT?

PASTE! SURELY YOU DON'T EXPEC MRS. P. TO EAT PASTE, DO YOU?

I'M SORRY, BUT IT WAS

THE NEAREST THEY HAD.

NEAREST THEY HAD!

OH, HARK AT THAT!

TAKE OFF, WILL YOU?

DON'T MIND, POLLY. I JUST NEED

A LITTLE SOMETHING TO SETTLE ME

BEFORE I GO ON.

ANYTHING WILL DO.

BUT IT WAS THE BEST THEY

HAD, MRS. P.

SHIPHAM'S.

BY APPOINTMENT.

THEY HAVE IT A BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

WHEN THEY'RE ENTERTAINING

THEIR COCKNEY HIGHNESSES,

IT'S THE PEARLY KING AND

QUEEN, I SUPPOSE.

HOW LONG WE GOT?

OH, 5 MINUTES, PLEASE.

THERE'LL BE SOME

CHANGE, THEN?

CRIKEY. I FORGOT. I OWE YOU

2 AND 11 PLUS 3 FARTHINGS.

IF I GIVE YOU A FARTHING,

YOU COULD GIVE ME 3 BOB, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH.

- POLLY!

- HMM?

OH, TA, MRS. P.

YOU SHOULDN'T.

WHY DO YOU:

ENCOURAGE HER?

OVERTURE,

BEGINNERS, PLEASE.

MY HATBOX RIBBON CAME

UNDONE YESTERDAY, POLLY.

OH, IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN,

MISS MAISIE.

OH, POLLY, HELP ME WITH

MY HOOKS.

HELLO, ROSIE.

OH, LOOK, I DO LIKE ME

FEATHER DUSTER:

HANGING OUT BESIDE ME DISMAL

DESMOND, POLLY.

DO TRY AND REMEMBER.

GOT A FAG, POLL?

OOH. AIN'T HE LOVELY?

(WHISTLE)

OH, POLLY, DON'T WHISTLE IN THE

DRESSING ROOM!

- WHY NOT?

- BECAUSE IT'S UNLUCKY,

THAT'S WHY. NOW GO OUTSIDE,

TURN AROUND 3 TIMES

AND KNOCK ON THE DOOR.

WHAT DO NURSING:

MOTHERS NEED?

EVERYONE:

MY-ROSE!

COME IN!

- NOW SWEAR.

- DAMN!

WHERE'S THA LAZY LADY?

SHE'LL TURN UP.

DON'T WORRY.

SHE'LL BE LATE FOR HER

OWN FUNERAL, THAT ONE.

HERE.

WHERE IS RITA?

OH, ISN'T SHE

HERE YET?

WELL, I DON'T EXPEC SHE'LL BE MISSED.

WELL, SHE IS THE STAR

OF THE SHOW.

DO YOU REALLY:

THINK SO?

SHE'LL BE FINED AGAIN

IF SHE AIN'T CAREFUL.

(FLORID PIANO INTRO)

THEY'RE ALL CALLED,

MR. MAX, EXCEPT RITA.

SHE AIN'T HERE YET.

NOT HERE?

PUT HER DOWN FOR A FINE!

IF YOU FINE HER AGAIN,

SHE'LL BE OWING YOU MONEY.

WITH THIS HOUSE,

I NEED IT.

WHY MUST THESE WRETCHED GARDEN

FETES ALWAYS COINCIDE

WITH OUR MATINEES?

NOT A CLOUD:

IN THE SKY!

LET ME KNOW THE MINUTE

SHE ARRIVES!

YES, MR. MAX.

BLIMEY! THERE'S

MORE ON THE STAGE

THAN IN:

THE BLOOMING AUDIENCE.

(BABY CRIES)

DOWN THERE.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

ALLO? ALLO?

IS THAT GASTON,

THE COSTUMIER?

OH. IT IS

MADAME DUBONNET'S MAID.

DUBONNET.

DAY-OOH-BAY-OH-

ENNY-ENNY-EE-TEE.

MADAME DUBONNET OF THE

VILLA CAPRICE!

MR. MAX:

ACCENT!

ACCENT!

OH. HA HA HA!

(IN FORMAL FRENCH ACCENT)

ZEE SCHOOL FOR YOUNG LADIES.

I WISH TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE READY

THE COSTUME:

FOR MISS POLLY BROWNE.

B-L-O-DOUBLE D-N-A-AHVE-EE.

ACCENT!

WITH AN E. SHE WISHES I FOR ZEE CARNIVAL BALL CE SOIR.

HA HA HA.

YOU DO NOT COMPREHEND?

THEN GET ME:

MONSIEUR GASTON HIMSELF!

MMPH! MONSIEUR GASTON?

OH.

ALLO.

NO, NO, NO.

SHE'S NO MORE

FRENCH THAN I AM.

- RITA NOT HERE?

- NO, MR. MAX. NAUGHTY!

NOBODY ASKED:

FOR YOUR OPINION.

SHE WAS HAVING HIJINKS

IN THE HIGH STREE WITH A SAILOR

AROUND LUNCHTIME.

OPENING TIME, YOU MEAN,

DEAR. LET'S BE HONEST.

FINE PUBLICITY!

WELL, SHE'S NEVER

MISSED AN ENTRANCE YET.

MIND YOUR:

HATBOX, DULCIE.

MAID:
MADAME DUBONNE OF VILLA CAPRICE!

SHE'S NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE

I PROMOTED HER TO STAR BILLING.

WENT TO HER HEAD, TOTALLY. NO...

TELEPHONE, MR. MAX.

TELL THEM TO:

RING AGAIN!

HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO SPEAK

AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

BUT THEY MUST SPEAK

TO YOU PERSONALLY!

IT'S NOT C.B. COCHRAN

FROM LONDON, IS IT?

NO, IT AIN'T.

IT'S THE HOSPITAL.

HA HA HA. BON.

THEN YOU WILL DELIVER

IT STRAIGHT-AWAY?

MERCI!

(ALL CHATTERING AMONGST SELVES)

S'IL VOUS PLAIT,

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN

WHO YOU ARE?

ALL:
FORGOTTEN

WHO WE ARE?

OF COURSE NOT!

WE'RE PERFECT YOUNG LADIES

PREPARING TO TAKE

OUR PLACES AMONG

THE NOBLESSE:

WE'RE PERFECT YOUNG LADIES

PREPARING TO MAKE

THE MOST OF:

THE CHARM WE POSSESS

YOU'RE BEING FINISHED,

AND YOUR FAMILIES' WEALTH

MAY BE DIMINISHED, BUT...

AT LEAST YOU ALL

HAVE PERFECT HEALTH

AND MAKING THE GRADE

IS OUR DUTY, YOU SEE

FOR PERFECT YOUNG

LADIES ARE WE:

WE'RE PERFECT YOUNG LADIES

WE HOPE TO ATTRACT

A HUSBAND WHOSE:

CREDIT IS GOOD:

YOU MAY BE:

YOUNG LADIES:

BUT WHY:

DON'T YOU ACT

THE WAY THA A YOUNG LADY SHOULD?

I'VE OFTEN

TOLD YOU:

PLEASE DON' TELL US AGAIN

I OUGH TO SCOLD YOU

BUT...

YOU KNOW I WILL BE QUITE IN VAIN

FOR BEING OUR MAID

IS YOUR DUTY, YOU SEE

FOR PERFEC YOUNG LADIES ARE WE

OH!

OH!

PERFECT YOUNG:

LADIES ARE:

PERFECT YOUNG:

LADIES ARE:

PERFECT YOUNG:

LADIES ARE WE:

TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE!

NOT RITA.

TRAPPED HER HIGH HEEL

IN A TRAM LINE.

HER FOOT.

OOH, IT AIN'T OFF?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

MILD FRACTURE, BUT SHE'S

LAID UP JUST THE SAME.

WE'RE RUINED!

NO, WE'RE NOT.

YOU WILL HAVE:

TO GO ON.

GET READY!

WHAT, ME?

BUT I'M ONLY

THE A.S.M.!

L...l CAN'T GO ON.

IT'S THE ASSISTANT STAGE

MANAGER'S JOB

TO UNDERSTUDY EVERYBODY'S PART.

NOW I TOLD YOU THA WHEN I TOOK YOU ON.

NOW HURRY UP:

AND DON'T ARGUE.

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