The Boys in the Band Page #4

and some take drugs.

Yeah, well,

I read.

And read

and read and read.

It's a wonder your eyes

don't turn back in your head

at the sight of

a dust jacket.

Well, at least he's

a constructive escapist.

Yeah. What do I do?

Take planes.

No. I don't

do that anymore.

I don't have the money

to do that anymore.

I go to the baths.

That's about it.

I'm about to do both.

I'm flying to the West Coast.

You still have that act

with a donkey in Tijuana?

I'm going to San Francisco

on a well-earned vacation.

I'm going to the club baths,

and I'm not coming out

till they announce the departure

of TWA one week later.

You'll never learn to stay

out of the baths, will you?

The last time "Emily"

was taking the vapors,

this big hairy number

strolls in.

So Emily says,

"I'm just resting."

And the big, hairy number

says, "I'm just arresting."

It was the Vice.

You have to tell everything,

don't you?

Emory, here.

Thanks, sonny.

You live with your parents?

Yeah, but it's

all right. They're gay.

What happened to Alan?

Oh, he got terrible icks

about having broken down

on the telephone.

He kept apologizing

over and over and over.

He did a big about-face

and turned into the old Alan

right in front of

my very eyes.

Ears.

Ears.

'Scuse me.

Well, obviously the cracked

crab did not work out.

Just put that down, if you

don't want your hand slapped.

I'm about to

have some.

I just wanna pour off

the melted ice.

You know, sometimes

you remind me

of the Chinese

water torture.

No, no, no.

I take that back.

Sometimes you remind me

of the relentless

Chinese water

torture.

B*tch.

Hey, I wonder where

Harold is.

Yeah, where is

the frozen fruit?

Emory refers to Harold as the frozen fruit

because of his former profession

as an ice skater.

She used to be the Vera Hruba

Ralston of the borscht circuit.

Time for your

rhythm injection.

Now, how did you guess I didn't

want to lie down, Bernard?

You know, if your mother

could see you now,

she'd have a stroke.

You got a camera

on you?

All right, Emily,

up here right now.

Look

out.

Look at those

twinkle toes. Heh.

Oh, my God, it's Lilly Law.

Everyone

three feet apart.

Quiet. Quiet!

It may be Harold.

No, it's the delivery boy

from the bakery.

Ask him if he's got

any hot-crossed buns.

Come on, Emory.

Knock it off, will you?

You can take her

anywhere but out.

You remind me of

an old maid schoolteacher.

You remind me of a chicken wing.

I'm sure you meant that

as a compliment.

Um, thank you.

Good night.

Hey, Bernard? Do you

remember that dance

we used to do

at Fire Island?

Man, that was in so far back,

I think I've forgotten it.

I remember it.

One, two.

One, two.

Oh, Christ.

Single, single.

Dance.

All right.

Whoo!

Wait a minute.

One, two, three, four.

It's the geriatrics

Rockettes.

Get 'em up there,

huh, babe. Whoo!

One, two.

Who dreamed this up?

Emory.

It's the sensational

Menstruations.

Come on, Donald.

Get in here.

Ah!

Get your hand

off my ass.

Very funny.

Whoa!

Look, baby.

Is Mike in?

Like a heat wave

Burning in my heart

Like a heat wave

Michael!

Michael!

Michael.

Heat wave

Um-- I, uh--

I thought you weren't coming.

I'm sorry.

Um. We were-- We were

just acting silly.

Actually, when

I called,

I-- I was in a phone booth

just around the corner.

My dinner party's

not far from here.

Um, Emory was just showing us--

When I walked past,

the downstairs door

was open,

so I just--

Oh, excuse me. This is Emory.

Hello.

Everybody, this is

Alan McCarthy.

Alan, um--

Counterclockwise.

Larry and Emory,

and Bernard...

How are you?

...Donald and Hank.

Hello, it's nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Uh, well, can I get you

a drink?

Uh, Scotch, please.

Fine.

Uh-- I'll get it.

Oh. Thank you,

Donald.

Well, I guess I'm the only

beer drinker here tonight.

Whose, uh--

Whose birthday is it?

Oh, it's--

Harold's.

Harold.

He's not here yet.

She's never been on time--

He's never been on time

in his life.

Uh, H-Hank.

Alan is from Washington.

Washington.

We went to college together.

Georgetown.

Isn't that

fascinating?

Here. If that's too strong,

I'll put some

water in it.

No. It's fine, thanks.

Fine.

Well, Alan, are you in the government then--?

No, I'm a lawyer.

What do you do?

Oh, I teach

school.

Oh, I would've taken you for

an athlete of some sort.

You look like you might

play sports of some sort.

Well, I'm

no professional.

I was on the basketball team in

college, and I do play tennis.

Well, I play tennis too.

It's a great game.

Yeah, that's great.

Uh, yeah, it's a great game.

What, uh... W-- What do

you teach?

Math.

Math?

Yeah.

Math, well...

Makes you wanna rush out and buy

a slide rule, doesn't it?

Uh, excuse me, Alan,

I'll be right back.

Come on, Emory. I'm gonna need

some help in the kitchen.

You're elected.

I'm always elected.

You're a natural-born domestic.

Said the African

queen.

You come on too. You can fan me

while I make the salad dressing.

Right this way,

Emory. Come on.

Oh, hey,

look, uh...

why don't we all

sit down over here?

Sure.

I, uh... I really feel terrible

about barging in

on you fellows

this way.

Well, that's perfectly

all right, Alan.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey, you're married?

What?

I see you're married.

Oh. Yes.

Yes, Hank's married.

Donald.

Come up with some ice.

Excuse me.

Oh!

Do you, uh--

Do you have any kids?

Yes. Yes, I have two.

I have a boy, nine,

and a girl, seven.

They're great kids too.

You should see my boy

play tennis.

He really puts

his dad to shame.

I've got two kids too.

Both girls.

Hey, that's great.

How are the girls, Alan?

Oh, they're just sensational.

They're...

really something, those kids.

God, I'm--

I'm nuts

about them.

Well, Alan, um, how long have

you been married, then?

Nine years.

Mm-hm.

Can you believe it, Mickey?

No.

Mickey used to go with my wife

when we were all in school.

Can you believe that?

Do you, uh...

Do you live

in the city?

Uh, yes, we do.

I'm in the process

of getting a divorce. Uh...

Larry and I are roommates

for the moment.

Yes.

I'm sorry, I-I--

I didn't mean to--

No, no, it's perfectly

all right. I understand.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here. Let--

Oh. Can I

help you, Alan?

I can't seem to find

the Scotch. Uh...

Well, you've got it

in your hand.

Oh, where the hell

could Harold be?

He's always

late.

But why does it take Harold

hours to get ready

before he can go out?

Because she's a sick lady,

that's why.

Alan, we can go

to my bedroom and talk.

I'm just gonna

finish this and go.

Come on, bring

your drink.

I've finished it.

Oh.

Excuse us. We'll be down

in just a minute.

Sure. Sure.

Oh, um...he'll still

be here.

This way, Alan.

Now, just what was that

supposed to mean?

What was what

supposed to mean?

You know, that little--

Hey, you want another beer?

Hey. You're jealous,

aren't you?

No.

I'm Larry.

You're jealous.

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