The Brand New Testament

---

In the beginning

you don't know it's the beginning;

that things are just starting.

Then all of a sudden they're off.

Things become altogether

different than you thought.

At first there were only

twelve apostles.

That was before I found my six apostles.

Before the world got better.

I should tell you the story from the

beginning, when I still lived with my parents.

THE BRAND NEW:

TESTAMEN God exists. He lives in Brussels.

He's an a**hole. He's horrible

to his wife and daughter.

There's a lot of talk about his son,

but very little about his daughter.

His daughter is me.

That is my father. He's God.

Even before the creation of the world

my father was already bored.

So, he made Brussels.

[GENESIS]

- Voila.

He'd made a few things;

a few other creations,

but they didn't work out.

Something's not right.

So, he created man in his image.

With him, he could do as he pleased.

Ah, much better! Much better.

Enoch begat Irad.

Irad begat Mehujael.

Mehujael begat Metuskael

Metuskael begat Lamech.

Et cetera, et cetera...

That's when it all started.

He set one against the other.

In his name.

For God!

For Allah!

For Baal!

Voila, now you know exactly

how it came about.

That's me. I'm called Ea.

This is where I was born,

and where I was stuck for ten years.

It has no entrance

and no exit.

Three room apartment,

fully equipped kitchen and laundry.

And my father's office,

where no one is allowed.

It's forbidden to watch anything

but sports on TV.

This is my mother, a pitiful woman,

100% certified browbeaten.

She never says anything.

When she's not embroidering flowers,

she looks at her baseball card collection.

...and that makes eighteen.

It's complete.

Ea, we eat at the table

and as a family.

Do as you're told!

You're in MY house, here!

What? I'm your father.

Put that fourth plate away,

it won't bring him back.

You never know.

Not at my right hand.

I told you before, it bugs me.

Stop that.

Stop! You're not your brother.

Just because you can't do it...

Because I don't need to be able to.

My father lived in a crappy place,

which he never left.

He had a crappy life,

had never loved his wife

and couldn't make things

with his hands.

SILENCE! I'm working!

He needed something to relax

and forget all that.

That's when he got

the idea of humanity:

All his toys, that he could

watch suffer and struggle.

A lot of misery and a little

happiness, to give them false hope.

It took him 8 years, but

after all, it worked pretty well.

My father attained a certain

degree of virtuosity.

Since then, he spent his days

inventing new Laws of

Universal Pain-in-the-assness.

I need to formulate this right.

Law 2127:

The quantity of sleep, needed,

is always ten more minutes.

Law 2129:

When a body is submerged in a bathtub

the telephone rings.

2125:

A slice of bread always falls

jam side down,

otherwise the jam is on

the wrong side.

Law 2126:
dishes never break

until after they've been washed.

Law 2218:

The next line always moves faster.

Law 2231:

pains in the ass

never come one at a time.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Lower your eyes.

It's disgusting what you do to people.

What?

You don't even know them, you just

amuse yourself by harming them.

- You've been in my office?

- Anybody could do better.

I've forbidden you to go in my office.

- You got nothing to say to me.

- C'mere!

See what I have to say to you? Look!

See how furious you make me, huh?

That's no good!

Just at that moment I decided

to do something.

Maybe ten years, is the limit

of what one can put up with, I dunno.

Anyway, I knew exactly

what I wanted:

to do better than my father.

But first I wanted to hurt him.

I wanted to make him suffer.

To wreck his life like he wrecked mine.

You could call it, anger.

But once I'd done it...

I'd have to leave.

EXODUS:

Psst! Hey, J.C.

- Hi, sis. - Hey, J.C. I need

your help getting outta here.

- I hear you. What did mama say?

- Nothing for fear of getting smacked.

It's about time she woke up.

I wanna do like you; split this joint.

Find some Apostles to give me a hand.

Apostles are a good idea,

I tried 12, but it got a bit messy.

I thought 12 was a good number,

like a hockey team.

Mama's number is 18.

She says you can play baseball with 18.

How many apostles should I get?

Try six. With my 12, it makes 18,

like mama's baseball players.

How should I choose the apostles?

Go with your feeling.

You don't have to justify it.

Choose any six from papa's archive,

give'em a little miracle, and you're set.

I can't make miracles.

Just a small miracle,

something you can handle.

Then with your 6 apostles,

write a Brand New Testament.

- I don't want'em talking about me.

- Make it about them.

A Brand New Testament in which

the apostles talk about themselves.

- That'd be so totally new!

- You know, I can't write well.

Delegate to someone who can.

You think I wrote mine by myself?

To escape,

I hacked the washing machine.

Set it on 'synthetic fibers'

40 degrees, 1,200 rpm spin cycle.

It'll open a passage.

In a few hours you're out.

Thanks, J.C. you're cool.

Don't forget, without his computer

papa's nothing.

(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Births / Deaths

LAWS:

DISASTERS:

MEN / WOMEN

.

do not open

Death Dates

DO NOT OPEN:

Births ........... Deaths

Send death dates?

Benoit, you have

14 years, 6 months, 4 days to live.

Robert, you have 0 days to live.

Willy, you have 54 days to live.

Jean-Claude, you have

12 years, 9 months, 5 days to live.

Aurlie, you have

11 years, 6 months, 27 days to live.

Marc, you have 83 days to live.

Francois, you have

25 years, 3 months, 8 days to live.

Martine, you have

5 years, 2 months, 17 days to live.

- Psst! Hey, J.C...

- You got the files?

Yeah, I sent everybody

their death date.

Papa's gonna lose all credibility.

He'll be hopping mad.

Super idea!

Giving men knowledge of their own death...

Crazy!

It's still impossible to say

if it's a hoax

or if these death dates

will prove correct.

Who could know when people die?

It's impossible. I don't believe it.

And yet there are troubling coincidences.

For example a fridge fell from a cargo plane

at the precise moment

of the victim's predicted demise.

Andre, you have 2 minutes to live.

It's a special day for this

janitorial technician.

Overnight he's become the

longest lived man in the world.

102 years to live! It's a record!

From the social networks

we have this.

Hi, I'm Kevin. 62 years to live. 62!

Test!

- Sh*t!

- Darling... darling!

Even if cellular regeneration

is programmed,

length of life depends on

unforeseeable factors. It's random.

It's impossible for it

to be predetermined.

12 years, 4 months.

And you?

64 days.

It's not fair!

I've been taking care of you for years,

and you'll live longer than me.

Ea.

Since this morning's announcements

many people did not show up to work.

"What'll we do with the rest of our lives?"

is the most frequently asked

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes