The Brass Teapot
You want me to make you breakfast?
With what? There's nothing
in the fridge.
I'll go to the store when you get paid.
We can crash dinner at my mom's tonight.
I'd rather starve.
If I had a million dollars,
I'd stay in bed with you all day.
I'm gonna be late for work, wife.
You know I'm quick, husband.
Hey, Pete.
Whoops.
Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, fellas.
Good morning.
Good morning. I have a great
new offer for you today.
Uh-huh.
- Good morning. Hi, Donna.
- Hi, John.
Okay, let's do this. Let's sell some...
Television warranties.
No, um,
I have not had experience supervising others.
But I am a confident leader,
And I respond very well to stress and deadlines.
No, um, I have not had, uh,
experience supervising others.
But I am a confident leader,
And I respond well-- very well--
to stress and deadlines.
Hi, good morning, Mr. Sandveg.
Hope I didn't wake you.
Hi, auntie.
Are you there?
Uh, no, my name is John Macy.
Um, sir, would you be interested by any chance,
what happened is, we've suddenly started
to hit real well.
What's that? But our pitching
is just terrible.
Hello? Hello? Mr. Sandveg?
Hey, what went wrong on that sale there, John?
Um, this sale.
Dementia.
Okay. Think about
what we talked about.
Productivity, performance, punctuality,
The three main pivot points to you recapturing
your optimal performance level.
Why is this a problem?
Oh, I just think it's honestly
a pretty bad economy right now.
Don't tell me economy.
Everyone's blaming the economy.
You gonna blame somebody?
Blame--
The damn republicans?
What? Don't sass me.
And don't sass my party.
I-- make some calls.
Focus up.
Get rid of those
dumb-ass toys.
First I'm here
Then I'm there
And I know it's a drag
And I know it's a drag but I'm here
I've spent the last three years
finishing my undergraduate degree.
It's been tight, but worth it...
So I could sit here today,
fully qualified for my dream job.
I'm ahead of the pack for once.
We have a lot of applicants,
All of whom have master's degrees...
Or ten years' experience.
Okay.
Flower power, minishirts
In the big city
What do you want?
Came by for the rent check.
It's not due for another three days, Arnie.
Well, then I saved you a stamp.
Ow.
Here. You can't
cash that until Friday.
Weren't you, uh, voted most likely
to succeed in high school, Alice?
Yeah. Why?
Just wondering what
happened. Oh.
Oopsies.
Oh, yeah, that guy.
Mmm. You know,
he's getting promoted.
And I'm considering several
job offers right now.
Oh, that's good.
That's nice. Yeah.
Arnie.
Yard's a little shaggy.
Oh.
Bang!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Hello, darling wife.
Hello, husband.
So, this is the part where you tell
me you got a promotion at work...
And a huge bonus.
You tell me to go get sexy
because you're taking me out.
I, uh, found a hoagie time coupon
in the men's room.
It's a bogo.
Ooh.
Love when you spoil me.
Get inside.
It's hoagie time.
Yes! You die.
I think I should just become
a navy seal or something.
'Cause I'm a tactical genius.
Why is it that real blood makes you pass out,
but this is entertainment?
Because I'm killing drug dealers and pimps.
It's god's work.
Hey, which credit card has
no interest until next year?
Um, citibank in July.
Oh! I died, baby.
So, when Arnie cashes our check,
We will be left with--
Why do you care so much about
Because they're our friends, John,
and we went to high school together.
These people tortured me in high school.
Hi, um, Alice and John Macy.
I see you're on the list. Yeah.
Yeah, come on in.
Thank you.
Oh, my god.
Honey, was there anything about
a dress code in the invitation?
I wanna die right now.
Yeah.
Seven years ago, she was copying
my trig and banging all the jocks.
Her father gave her a bullshit
six-figure desk job...
While holding a solid "c" average in
communications after seven years of college.
Her degree is as authentic
as her bouncy new tits.
Shall we go see some of our good friends now?
Two whiskeys, neat.
Sure.
Hey, Ricky, what do you say?
Hey... Guy.
High five.
It's getting hot outside, right?
- Real hot around here.
- Here you go.
Walked outside yesterday
my whole--
My whole dick was out just swingin' around.
Louise!
Hi. I'm so glad
that you're here.
Yes. Hey.
How are you?
Good. How are you?
You'll have to excuse me.
I'm gonna go to the bar and
drink enough to kill a horse.
- You want anything?
- Yes, two beers please.
Got it.
Immediately.
Hi. So, I guess I didn't get the memo
to wear something short and shiny.
Hey!
What's up, man?
I'm so happy you're here.
I'm so glad you're here.
Thought I was gonna have to spend the
whole night hiding in the bathroom.
Yeah. Yeah, I tried that one out.
At the vegan barbecue.
Oh, that was you?
That was me.
Dude, I spent 45 minutes shittin' kale
into a hat in the backyard.
My mom got sick again.
So, it's like-- it's okay.
It's just that we had to pay for
all the hospital bills,
And I didn't get the scholarship.
So it's like--
it's a lot.
I'm really depressed now.
Tell me about it.
But good people win out in the end.
Let's go do shots.
Yes, please.
It's a nice theme they've got going on.
Yeah. Nice theme. Pink.
Looks like a f***in' a**hole in here.
breakin' rocks in the hot sun
I fought the law and the law won
she's the best girl that I ever had
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the law won
I fought the law and the--
Why did we drink so much?
Because it was free.
We need to go shopping if we want to eat today.
How did your, um, interview go the other day?
If anything,
I was over-qualified.
Well, maybe you should just, you know...
Set your sights a little lower.
I have a $40,000 degree in art history.
I really don't want to work at the mall.
Baby, I'm not worried. You're gonna
have an amazing job one day.
I know. Things will get better.
Mmm.
Oh! Son of a b*tch.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
You're sure?
Yeah, I think so. Look at me.
You're okay.
Yeah, looks like someone
sawed this thing clear off.
Honestly, we could've been killed very easily.
That was intentional.
Yeah.
That's been happening a lot
in this neighborhood lately.
People comin' around sawin' off stop signs.
- I can't pay for that. - We can't be
held accountable for any of this.
Neither of you are gonna be
paying anything today.
- I been here 30 years--
- I feel like shopping.
Alice! Hey!
Jesus Christ.
- Slow down!
- You're speedin' here!
Hello.
Can I help you?
No, thank you.
I'm just browsing right now.
- Hey, Alice?
- I'm back here.
I, uh, I don't think the axle's bent
or anything so--
You wanna get out of here and get some food?
Well, the antiques roadshow
is coming this weekend.
Why don't we look around? See if
we can find something, get on TV.
Yeah.
Um, excuse me.
Hi. Do you have any, like, old-fashioned
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"The Brass Teapot" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 23 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_brass_teapot_4605>.
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